Auntie ag & uncle ony

The other night I saw my ex-boyfriend at a party and accidentally stabbed him with a kitchen knife. I left soon afterwards, and no one has mentioned it since, but ought I write a note to the hostess?

Bella, London

Uncle Ony: This is one of the most disturbing letters I have received for some time. You seem to consider a stabbing to be a minor gaffe rather than an assault. I suggest you contact a psychiatrist immediately.

Auntie Ag: (Oh don't be silly, Ony. It's the sort of thing that could happen to anyone and I'm sure the ghastly boy deserved it.) Do send a thank-you note, darling, or perhaps a box of Belgian chocolates, but don't mention it. There's nothing like a minor domestic to get a party talked about and I'm sure your hostess was delighted.

I am about to get married. Obviously it is absolutely de rigueur this autumn / winter to carry cabbages in the bouquet but my fiance refuses to go ahead with the celebrations if I walk down the aisle holding vegetables.

Tara, Kensington

Uncle Ony: Yes, this clearly goes much deeper than vegetables and bouquets. Your fiance is concerned that you are putting the more outlandish vagaries of fashion before the dignified symbolism of the marriage ceremony. What is more important: a cabbage or your king?

Auntie Ag: Darling, I've had an idea. Sneak just one ornamental cabbage into the bouquet, wait till the moment when you promise to obey, feign a moment of guilty realisation, pluck out the cabbage and hand it to the vicar. (And in future don't bother your husband with too much detail.) A turnip might have been going too far, but he'd never have known a cabbage from a carnation.

I've started going out with a beautiful girl. All my mates are impressed, but the trouble is the more I get to know her the more she gets on my nerves. There's another girl whom I like much more and really fancy but she's not very pretty. I see her a lot as a friend. I know I'd be happier with her, but everyone would think I was mad if I chucked my girlfriend for her.

David, Leicester.

Uncle Ony: I sympathise, David. Physical beauty is a difficult thing for we men to resist. What you really need is a girl who combines the qualities of both your girlfriend and your friend. Why not keep them both on the go until you find her?

Auntie Ag: Ugh. You don't deserve either of them you silly, superficial boy. I hope they both dump you.

I have been following your advice about the man I fancy in the cafe and I must say Ag's seems better. This week, after the debacle of going to sit with him, as advised by Ony, I did what Ag said, stayed at my table and smiled. After four days he came over with his Private Eye and showed me this cartoon. Now it has got into a thing where he sits with me every morning and we giggle about things in the paper. However, this morning he was there already, giggling with another girl over Private Eye. Now I don't feel like going to the cafe anymore.

Rachel, Manchester

Uncle Ony: Blame, Rachel, is a negative force. If you are going to deal with the events of your life by blaming the advice you are given whenever things don't go your way, then I am afraid that no one can, or will want to help you.

Auntie Ag: Well, darling, he may turn out to be a pointless flirt, but remember, you're only on cappuccino terms so talking to someone else isn't a war crime, and she might be his sister. Be unavailable. Don't go in for a couple of days, then make sure you get in early, ahead of the witch. If he doesn't sit with you then it might be time to change cafes. But I bet you he does.