9st 2, cigarettes 0, alcohol units 0. Instants 1 (v.sad)
10am Why am I so fat with no boyfriend all on own on Sunday morning. What is wrong with self? Am just no good. Am going to go down and get paper then have fag.
10.03am Is unbelievable. Like dream or sick newspaper April Fool. Is unbelievable. Diana Dies is just not kind of thing she would do.
10.10am Am going to put on telly and they will say it has been a mistake and she is back then we will see her coming out of the Harbour Club with all the photographers asking her what it was like
11.30am Cannot believe it. Is so scary when is obvious no one in authority knows what to do.
12.00am At least Tony Blair who seemed to say what everyone was thinking instead of repeating "grief and shock" over and over again in manner of parrot.
13.00am Just feel so guilty that she was our national treasure and people were niggardly about her and she did not like being here. Is like great big hand coming down from heaven saying "if you are going to squabble over her nobody is going to have her".
13.30pm. Keep having to look at newspaper headline again to make self believe it.
14.00 Really she was the patron saint of Singleton women because she started off like the archetypal fairytale doing what we all thought we were supposed to do i.e. marry a handsome Prince and she was honest enough to say that life is not like that. Also it made you feel that if someone so beautiful and gorgeous could be treated like shit by stupid men and feel unloved and lonely then it wasn't because you were rubbish if it happened to you. Also she kept re-inventing herself and sorting out her problems. She was always just trying so hard like modern women.
1pm Hmm. Wonder what people would say about me if I died?
2.45 Have just had horrible realisation. Was watching television with the sound down and tabloid front page came up which looked as though it might have had actual pictures of aftermath of the crash in. Realised was horrible part of me which actually wanted to see the pictures. Clearly would not buy said newspaper even if could but.ugh ugh What does this mean about me? Oh God. Am terrible.
3pm. Just keep staring into space. Simply hadn't realised how much Diana was part of consciousness. Is like Jude or Shazzer being there and full of life and giggly jokes and lip gloss then suddenly being something so grown-up and horror-filled and alien as dead.
5.45 Just rang up Magda who has been to the garden centre and bought a tree and planted it for Princess Diana. Maybe could plant something in window box e.g. um basil? Could get from Cullens.
6pm Hmm. Basil does not seem right somehow.
7pm Not sure what think about everyone going to Buckingham Palace with floral tributes. Have people always done this? Is it something naff people do to try and get on the television like camping all night outside sales or good. real thing.Hm ... Feel want to go though.
7.15pm Think going with flowers might be a bit creepy ... but thing is really did like her. Was like having someone in heart of authority who was same as you. Also all huffer puffers criticised her re: landmines etc but if you ask me was bloody intelligent use of mad publicity. Better than doing nothing except huffing at home.
8.45pm What is point of living in capital city it cannot join in great expressions of feeling? Does not seem very English thing to do but maybe everything has changed with the changing weather and Europe and Tony Blair and it is all right to express yourself. Maybe she has changed English stuffiness.
9pm You see she was brilliant on the landmines programme. Just as good as Dimblebys Pilgers etc.
9.15 OK am definitely going to go to Kensington Palace ... Have not got any flowers, though. Will get some from petrol station.
9.30 Petrol station has sold out. Only things like chocolate orange and custard left. Nice but inappropriate.
9.35 Bet she would like them, though.
9.45 Have chosen copy of Vogue, Milk Tray, 1 Instants and packet of Silk Cut. Not perfect but everyone will have bought flowers and know she liked Vogue.
11pm V glad went. Felt a bit shy walking through in Kensington in case people knew where was going and that was on own, but then when think about it Princess Diana was often on own
Inside park was v. dark and gentle with everyone just walking quietly in one direction. Was no histrionics like on News. The bottom of the wall was covered with flowers and candles in the darkness and people relighting the candles that had gone out and reading messages.
Hope that she knows now after all the times she worried about not being good enough, look what everybody felt about her. Really all this should say a message to women who are worried about how they look and being rubbish and expecting so much of themselves just not to worry so much. Felt a bit embarrassed about the Vogue and chocolate and Instants so hid under flowers and looked at the messages which made you think that you do not have to be a spokesman for anything to be able to express things. The best one was copied from the Bible, I think, and it said in wobbly old lady's writing.
"When I was in trouble you cared about me, when I was in danger you tried to stop it, when I was sick you visited me, when people ran away you took my hand. Whatever you did for the poorest and smallest people I felt as if you did it for me"Reuse content