Bridget Jones's Diary

Feel glad it is not necessary to turn into wrinkly old bag and doom of future nightmare upkeep years

Friday 11 July

9st 1 vg, alcohol units 3 (excellent) cigarettes 12 (worrying as against spirit of New Labour) calories 2,242 (g).

12.30pm. Everything v. bad especially love life, finances, family, and career. At least, though, have support of friends, in manner of urban telephonically connected surrogate family. Last week things looked up at work as Richard Finch finally noticing my intelligent seriousness put me on heavyweight item about Jonathan Dimbleby's Chris Patten book . Had to go to meeting with Richard and Tory huffer puffer guys about dissembling the Chinese or similar. Was a few minutes late,and when I took my coat off they all just stared.

After a weird pause Richard said, "I do apologise, gentlemen," then hissed, "Go and sort out your ar**ing skirt." Turned out the skirt - which was not that short - had ridden itself up under my leather coat so seemed was merely wearing pants tights and sash. Honestly. Was not exactly my fault, was it? But now he has demoted me to lightweight woman-type item about needing to start plastic surgery at 25 and says this is last chance. V Interesting, though as clearly plastic surgery is on brink of becoming normal instead of something mad old film stars do.

So on top of diet, gym, legwaxing, dry skin brushing, eyebrow plucking etc. etc. we will any second be expected to have TCA peels, double chin microsuction, nose to mouth line fat transplants, undereye CO2 lasers etc. etc. as well. Feel complicated mixture of glad it is not necessary to turn into wrinkly old bag and doom of nightmare future upkeep years and never able to relax into being comfy granny. Ooh telephone.

12.45pm Was Simon.

"Will you come for a drink at lunchtime?."

"No!," I hissed, furtively checking for Richard Finch, "I am doing an interview with a top plastic surgeon at 2.45."

"Please Bridge, it's important."

"No," I said, uncertainly.

I mean you have to be a good friend, don't you, as that is all you have to rely on...

"Please."

"Oh all right then," I said. Interview is all set up. Anyway will just stay for five minutes.

Simon was looking all jumpy. "So ... what?" I said, thinking maybe he was going to say he wanted to go out with me, so I could say I didn't want to spoil our friendship, feeling in a superior position, then change my mind three days later at which he would say he didn't want to spoil our friendship now then we could fall out with each other then make up so it could provide really quite an interesting summer diversion for all our friends.

He fiddled with his drink, "You know you were asking about whether men hated it when women made noise during sex?"

"Yup, yup, yup," I said, nodding nervously.

"What about ... the other way round. Do girls not like it if men make noise during sex?"

I racked my brains frantically trying to remember if Simon had made noise during our accidental incident and what kind of noise so as not to hurt his feelings.

"Ummm, they do but," I began.

At that moment Shazzer burst in from nowhere. I mean how did she know we were there?

"Women want murmurs of appreciation followed by slightly more exaggerated expressions of ecstatic finality but nothing more than that," she said tartly, completely taking over. "A woman does not want histrionics or hysterical loss of control."

At this Simon went all sulky. I looked in bafflement from one to the other. What was going on?

"I think it's a personal thing, isn't it, all this?" I said brightly to smoothe things over.

"Oh just shut up, Bridget," snarled Shazzer.

"No. She's got a perfectly valid point," said Simon.

"Oh she has, has she?" said Shaz.

"Yes," went on Simon in a horrible Anthony Clare voice. "There are all sorts of things in the, the physical world which there's no hard and fast rule about..."

"Oh yeah, like what?" growled Shaz, glaring at me. "Perhaps Bridget can make some suggestions? `Bridget this', `Bridget that'."

I stared down at the table, blinking hard. Why was Shaz suddenly being so horrible?

"Oh I'm going," growled Shaz, jumping to her feet. "I'll leave you two to it." And inexplicably flounced out.

"Look, don't worry, Bridge, I can explain," said Simon then bent down and gave me a peck on the lips. Then he did it again as if he was trying to start something. At which Sharon burst back in.

"l saw that, I saw that," she said. "God, you two really are the pits," then stormed out again. Just then I looked at my watch and shrieked. It was 25 to three.

I shot out and started running towards the office. Sensibly I was modestly dressed in a long white Miss Selfridge virgin outfits dress. Then I felt a drop of rain. Within about one minute it was as if someone was pouring a hose pipe on top of me. I ran with my bag over my head thinking I could get through it, then a white convertible Escort whooshed past close to the kerb and spurted up a wave of puddle and all the gits in it burst out laughing. The dress was now completely see-through.

I got to the office and shot up the stairs thinking I could get Patchouli to swap clothes but suddenly the swing doors opened and Richard Finch came out with the plastic surgeon.

I froze, dripping.

"It's all right dolly droopy drawers," said Richard. "I thought you'd probably turn up stark naked. You can do the interview like that. I wanted you to ask Dr Wilson if he thinks you need liposuction at your age and now we'll all be able to see what the answer is won't we?"

News
peopleHowards' Way actress, and former mistress of Jeffrey Archer, was 60
Sport
Romelu Lukaku puts pen to paper
sport
News
Robyn Lawley
people
Arts and Entertainment
Unhappy days: Resistance spy turned Nobel prize winner Samuel Beckett
books
PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookA wonderful selection of salads, starters and mains featuring venison, grouse and other game
News
people
Life and Style
Troy Baker and Ashley Johnson voice the show’s heroes
gamingOnce stilted and melodramatic, Hollywood is giving acting in video games a makeover
News
i100
Life and Style
Phones will be able to monitor your health, from blood pressure to heart rate, and even book a doctor’s appointment for you
techCould our smartphones soon be diagnosing diseases via Health Kit and Google Fit?
News
people
Extras
indybest
Travel
Ryan taming: the Celtic Tiger carrier has been trying to improve its image
travelRyanair has turned on the 'charm offensive' but can we learn to love the cut-price carrier again?
Sport
Usain Bolt confirms he will run in both the heats and the finals of the men's relay at the Commonwealth Games
commonwealth games
Life and Style
Slim pickings: Spanx premium denim collection
fashionBillionaire founder of Spanx launches range of jeans that offers 'thigh-trimming construction'
News
Sabina Altynbekova has said she wants to be famous for playing volleyball, not her looks
people
News
i100
Life and Style
tech'World's first man-made leaves' could use photosynthesis to help astronauts breathe
Independent
Travel Shop
the manor
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on city breaks Find out more
santorini
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on chic beach resorts Find out more
sardina foodie
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on country retreats Find out more
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    SAP Project Manager

    competitive: Progressive Recruitment: SAP PROJECT MANAGER - 3 MONTHS - BERKSHI...

    SAP Project Manager

    competitive: Progressive Recruitment: SAP PROJECT MANAGER - 3 MONTHS - BERKSHI...

    Senior Investment Accounting Change Manager

    £600 - £700 per day + competitive: Orgtel: Senior Investment Accounting Change...

    Microsoft Dynamics AX Functional Consultant

    £65000 - £75000 per annum + benefits: Progressive Recruitment: A rare opportun...

    Day In a Page

    Save the tiger: The day America’s love of backyard tigers led to a horrific bloodbath

    The day America’s love of backyard tigers led to a horrific bloodbath

    With only six per cent of the US population of these amazing big cats held in zoos, the Zanesville incident in 2011 was inevitable
    Samuel Beckett's biographer reveals secrets of the writer's time as a French Resistance spy

    How Samuel Beckett became a French Resistance spy

    As this year's Samuel Beckett festival opens in Enniskillen, James Knowlson, recalls how the Irish writer risked his life for liberty and narrowly escaped capture by the Gestapo
    We will remember them: relatives still honour those who fought in the Great War

    We will remember them

    Relatives still honour those who fought in the Great War
    Star Wars Episode VII is being shot on film - and now Kodak is launching a last-ditch bid to keep celluloid alive

    Kodak's last-ditch bid to keep celluloid alive

    Director J J Abrams and a few digital refuseniks shoot movies on film. Simon Usborne wonders what the fuss is about
    Once stilted and melodramatic, Hollywood is giving acting in video games a makeover

    Acting in video games gets a makeover

    David Crookes meets two of the genre's most popular voices
    Could our smartphones soon be diagnosing diseases via Health Kit and Google Fit?

    Could smartphones soon be diagnosing diseases?

    Health Kit and Google Fit have been described as "the beginning of a health revolution"
    Ryanair has turned on the 'charm offensive' but can we learn to love the cut-price carrier again?

    Can we learn to love Ryanair again?

    Four recent travellers give their verdicts on the carrier's improved customer service
    Billionaire founder of Spanx launches range of jeans that offers

    Spanx launches range of jeans

    The jeans come in two styles, multiple cuts and three washes and will go on sale in the UK in October
    10 best over-ear headphones

    Aural pleasure: 10 best over-ear headphones

    Listen to your favourite tracks with this selection, offering everything from lambskin earmuffs to stainless steel
    Commonwealth Games 2014: David Millar ready to serve up gold for his beloved Scotland in the end

    Commonwealth Games

    David Millar ready to serve up gold for his beloved Scotland in the end
    UCI Mountain Bike World Cup 2014: Downhill all the way to the top for the Atherton siblings

    UCI Mountain Bike World Cup

    Downhill all the way to the top for the Atherton siblings
    Save the tiger: The animals bred for bones on China’s tiger farms

    The animals bred for bones on China’s tiger farms

    The big cats kept in captivity to perform for paying audiences and then, when dead, their bodies used to fortify wine
    A former custard factory, a Midlands bog and a Leeds cemetery all included in top 50 hidden spots in the UK

    A former custard factory, a Midlands bog and a Leeds cemetery

    Introducing the top 50 hidden spots in Britain
    Ebola epidemic: Plagued by fear

    Ebola epidemic: Plagued by fear

    How a disease that has claimed fewer than 2,000 victims in its history has earned a place in the darkest corner of the public's imagination
    Chris Pratt: From 'Parks and Recreation' to 'Guardians of the Galaxy'

    From 'Parks and Recreation' to 'Guardians of the Galaxy'

    He was homeless in Hawaii when he got his big break. Now the comic actor Chris Pratt is Hollywood's new favourite action star