Bridget Jones's Diary

Friday 22 March

9st 2; alcohol units 2 (vg); cigarettes 7 (vg); Instants 1 (vg); beefburgers 5.

8pm: Never having been particularly keen on beef in the past, suddenly find self desperate for beefburgers. Sure one more little quarter pounder can't hurt?

8.30pm: Mum just rang.

"Oh, hello darling, guess what?"


"I've fixed for the Colour Me Beautiful lady to come round on Sunday night. Now don't be sulky, darling. Una says the whole of your Labour Party have had their colour done! Didn't you see Harriet Harman in that shocking pink? Absolutely super! She's a Winter."

Ugh. Whole weekend now ruined by hideous colouring experience hanging over self. Definitely deserve McDonald's now.

9pm: Mmmm. Delicious. If want to rescue farmers, government should simply forbid all children to eat beef so that whippersnappers will immediately run behind the bicycle sheds to guzzle steak tartare and offal sausages. Also should insist all beef adverts and packets carry giant health warnings - "BEEF KILLS" or "EAT THIS AND YOUR BRAIN WILL TURN INTO A SPONGE AND YOU WILL DIE HORRIBLY" - and refuse to let any beef or cows be shown in the adverts so beef advertisers will have to spend millions getting the public used to things that suggest beef - like cat, a fiddle and moon or a bucket with milk pouring into it and an arrow pointing upwards. Also farmers should threaten to shoot all the cows by firing range or hunt them on horseback on Sunday afternoons with packs of vicious dogs, then everyone will be up in arms to save and eat the saintly, well-meaning cows.

Saturday 23 March

9st ( vg); alcohol units 2 ( vg); cigarettes 9 (vg); no of correct lottery numbers 2 (vg); beefburgers 8 ( poor).

Torn between repulsion from papers stuffed with pictures and descriptions of quivering diseased cow interiors and obsessive need to scour papers for any mentions of slaughter of National Herd. Did not even know we had National Herd in first place. Will we be expected to shoot cows on sight? Maybe it will be like in olden days with witch hunts or priest hunts and people hiding the cows in wardrobes or secret Cow's Holes in walls.

2pm: How will they slaughter the National Herd, though? How?

2.15pm: Just rang Tom to discuss, who said that I should shut up about slaughtering the National Herd or I would never get a boyfriend.

3pm: Hmmm, though. Maybe they will make all the cows go on the M1 at dead of night in manner of Iraqis fleeing from Kuwait and gun them down. Remember incident from Far from the Madding Crowd where flock of diseased sheep all jump off cliff into the sea. Wonder if similar plan would be good idea with cows? No. Then they would get into the fish chain, and we would have to slaughter the National Shoal.

Rang Tom again who said shut up.

Sunday 25 March

9st 3; alcohol units 3; cigarettes 3; beefburgers 7 ( better).

11am: Aargh. Horror. McDonald's are not selling any hamburgers any more. Ugh. Will have to go to Burger King.

Noon: Mum just rang. "Oh, hello, darling, have you been to the doctor lately?" "No," I said, with sinking heart, thinking she was going to give me a talk about going on the Pill. "Why?"

"Oh, nothing, darling, nothing!" she sing-songed. "Isn't it terrible about this Mad Cow Disease? Julio says we older women are going to be even more in demand if all the young ones go mad! Apparently, your brain goes like a sponge and your flesh turns to cheese. The way it starts, you know, darling, is mood swings. And people get very unco-ordinated and clumsy. By the way, did you ever replace that blue pottery dolphin Auntie Audrey gave you from the Azores, the one you said you broke when you were washing up?"

"Mother," I exploded. "I have not got Mad Cow Disease."

"Now you see, darling. You're really getting very touchy and changeable. Anyway. The thing was, you see, when we were feeding our youngsters none of us had any idea. We were all terribly busy, whizzing here, whooshing there, and there wasn't always time to cook. I do think it's a good idea to have regular check-ups at the doctor."

A horrible suspicion began to lodge in my brain. "What did you feed me on?" I whispered, dangerously.

"Oh, just the usual things, darling. Ooh, did I tell you Julie Enderby's getting engaged?"

"What. Did. You. Feed. Me. On?"

"Well, you know, darling," she gabbled, "Daddy and I didn't have much money. And you used to love frankfurters and potted meat in jelly and ..." She gave a hysterical, high-pitched laugh.

"And what ... ?"

"... and those chopped liver faggots Donald the butcher used to run up for the kiddies. Anyway, must run, darling."

"What time's the Colour Me Beautiful lady coming?""I said weakly, slumping against the wall.

"Ah." There was an embarrassed pause. "Actually, darling, I cancelled her. I thought it would be better to wait till ..."

"Till what?"

"... oh, nothing, Darling. Anyway. Must whizz! Byee!"

I lit a Silk Cut with shaking hands, trying to come to terms with the fact that my mother doesn't want to waste pounds 25 on having me Colour Me Beautifulled because she thinks I've got Mad Cow Disease. Then I bravely picked up the phone and dialled.

"Tom," I said. "If I get Mad Cow Disease will you promise to do euthanasia on me before my mother does?"

"Course I will, Hon," he said. "I'll do it on the M1 if you like, with a cruise missile."

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Guru Careers: Software Developer / C# Developer

    £40-50K: Guru Careers: We are seeking an experienced Software / C# Developer w...

    Guru Careers: Software Developer

    £35 - 40k + Benefits: Guru Careers: We are seeking a Software Developer (JavaS...

    SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant / Resourcer

    £18000 - £23000 per annum + Commission: SThree: As a Trainee Recruitment Consu...

    Ashdown Group: UI Developer - (UI, HTML, CSS, JavaScript, AngularJS)

    £25000 - £40000 per annum: Ashdown Group: UI Developer - (UI, JavaScript, HTML...

    Day In a Page

    Is a quiet crusade to reform executive pay bearing fruit?

    Is a quiet crusade to reform executive pay bearing fruit?

    Dominic Rossi of Fidelity says his pressure on business to control rewards is working. But why aren’t other fund managers helping?
    The King David Hotel gives precious work to Palestinians - unless peace talks are on

    King David Hotel: Palestinians not included

    The King David is special to Jerusalem. Nick Kochan checked in and discovered it has some special arrangements, too
    More people moving from Australia to New Zealand than in the other direction for first time in 24 years

    End of the Aussie brain drain

    More people moving from Australia to New Zealand than in the other direction for first time in 24 years
    Meditation is touted as a cure for mental instability but can it actually be bad for you?

    Can meditation be bad for you?

    Researching a mass murder, Dr Miguel Farias discovered that, far from bringing inner peace, meditation can leave devotees in pieces
    Eurovision 2015: Australians will be cheering on their first-ever entrant this Saturday

    Australia's first-ever Eurovision entrant

    Australia, a nation of kitsch-worshippers, has always loved the Eurovision Song Contest. Maggie Alderson says it'll fit in fine
    Letterman's final Late Show: Laughter, but no tears, as David takes his bow after 33 years

    Laughter, but no tears, as Letterman takes his bow after 33 years

    Veteran talkshow host steps down to plaudits from four presidents
    Ivor Novello Awards 2015: Hozier wins with anti-Catholic song 'Take Me To Church' as John Whittingdale leads praise for Black Sabbath

    Hozier's 'blasphemous' song takes Novello award

    Singer joins Ed Sheeran and Clean Bandit in celebration of the best in British and Irish music
    Tequila gold rush: The spirit has gone from a cheap shot to a multi-billion pound product

    Join the tequila gold rush

    The spirit has gone from a cheap shot to a multi-billion pound product
    12 best statement wallpapers

    12 best statement wallpapers

    Make an impact and transform a room with a conversation-starting pattern
    Paul Scholes column: Does David De Gea really want to leave Manchester United to fight it out for the No 1 spot at Real Madrid?

    Paul Scholes column

    Does David De Gea really want to leave Manchester United to fight it out for the No 1 spot at Real Madrid?
    Season's finale brings the end of an era for top coaches and players across the continent

    The end of an era across the continent

    It's time to say farewell to Klopp, Clement, Casillas and Xavi this weekend as they move on to pastures new, reports Pete Jenson
    Bin Laden documents released: Papers reveal his obsession with attacking the US and how his failure to keep up with modern jihad led to Isis

    'Focus on killing American people'

    Released Bin Laden documents reveal obsession with attacking United States
    Life hacks: The innovations of volunteers and medical workers are helping Medécins Sans Frontières save people around the world

    Medécins Sans Frontières's life hacks

    The innovations of volunteers and medical workers around the world are helping the charity save people
    Ireland's same-sex marriage vote: As date looms, the Irish ask - how would God vote?

    Same-sex marriage

    As date looms, the Irish ask - how would God vote?
    The underworld is going freelance: Why The Godfather's Mafia model is no longer viable

    The Mafia is going freelance

    Why the underworld model depicted in The Godfather is no longer viable