Wednesday 3 April

Have bought marvellous recipe book by Marco Pierre White. At last understand the simple difference between home cooking and restaurant food. As Marco says, it is all to do with concentration of taste. The secret of sauces, of course, apart from taste concentration, lies in stock. One must boil up large pans of fish bones, cow carcasses etc, then freeze them. Then cooking to Michelin star standard becomes as easy as shepherd's pie. Easier in fact as do not need to peel the potatoes. Merely confit them in goose fat. Cannot believe have not realised this before.

Thursday 5 April

Am going to hold gracious dinner party on Easter Sunday to show off new- found Michelin star skills. This will be the menu:

Veloute of Celery (v simple and cheap when have made stock).

Char-grilled Tuna on Veloute of Cherry Tomatoes Coulis with Confit of Garlic and Fondant Potatoes.

Confit of Oranges. Grand Marnier Creme Anglaise.

Will be marvellous. Will become known as brilliant but apparently effortless cook.

People will flock to my dinner parties, enthusing "Oh it's marvellous to be going to Bridget's for dinner, one gets Michelin star-style food in a bohemian setting."

Saturday 6 April

7pm Just returned from hideous middle-class singleton guilt experience at supermarket, standing at checkout next to functional adults with children buying beans, fish fingers, organic jelly etc, when had 20 heads of garlic in trolley, tin of goose fat, bottle of Grand Marnier, eight tuna steaks, three pints of double cream and four vanilla pods at pounds 1. 39 each.

Anyway have to start preparations tonight as working tomorrow on Wake Up Britain Easter Special. Hopefully will get off early to complete the preparations.

8pm Ugh, do not feel like cooking. Especially dealing with a grotesque bag of chicken carcasses: completely disgusting.

10pm Have got chicken carcasses in pan now. Trouble is, supposed to tie flavour enhancing leek and celery together with string but only string have got is blue. Oh well, Expect it will be OK.

11pm God, stock took bloody ages to do but worth it as will end up with over two gallons frozen in ice cube form and only cost pounds 1.70. Mmm, confit of oranges will be delicious also. Now all have got to do is finely slice 36 oranges and grate zest. Shouldn't take too long.

12.30am Too tired to stay awake now but stock is supposed to cook for another 2 hours and oranges need another hour in oven. I know. Will leave the stock on v low heat overnight, also oranges on lowest oven setting, so will become v tender in manner of stew.

Sunday 7 April

9.30am Aargh aargh. Just opened pan. Hoped for two gallon stock taste explosion has turned into burnt chicken carcasses coated in bright blue jelly. Orange confit looks fantastic though, just like in picture only darker. Must go to work. Am going to leave by 4 then will think of answer.

5.30pm Damn. Cannot get away from work as Richard Finch obsessed with new male contraceptive story wants giant studio set of weighing scales with male contraceptives on one side and female ones on the other. Surrounded by piles of condoms, sponges, caps and tubes of jelly in manner of disastrous blue stock. Feel sick. Male injection contraceptive stupid anyway, as women will not believe them so everyone will be trying to have sex through layers of hormones, rubber and goo when sperm counts practically non-existent now anyway.

7pm Hurrah! Just got home. Right. Soup will be absolutely fine. Will simply cook and puree vegetables as instructed and then - to give concentration of flavour - rinse blue jelly off chicken carcasses and boil them up with cream in the soup.

8.30pm Aargh aargh, just took lid off casserole to remove carcasses. Soup is bright blue. And have not even started veloute of cherry tomatoes. And fondant potatoes should have been ready 10 minutes ago and are rock hard.

9pm Love the lovely friends. Were more than sporting about the blue soup, Jude and Tom even making lengthy argument for less colour prejudice in the world of food. Why after all - just because one cannot readily think of a blue vegetable - should one object to blue soup?

Aargh aargh. Just looked in fridge and tuna is not there. What has become of tuna? What? what?

9.30pm Thank God. Magda come in kitchen and helped me make big omelette and mashed up half-done fondant potatoes and fried them in the frying pan in manner of hash browns. Tom put the recipe book on the table so we can all look at the pictures of what char-grilled tuna would have been like. At least confit will be good. Looks fantastic. Magda said not to bother with Grand Marnier creme anglaise but merely drink Grand Marnier.

10pm V sad. Looked expectantly round table as everyone took first mouthful of confit. There was an embarrassed silence.

"What's this, hon?" said Tom eventually. "Is it marmalade?" Horror-struck, took mouthful myself. It was, as he said, marmalade. Realise after all effort and expense have served my guests:

Blue soup.

Omelette.

Marmalade.

Am disastrous failure. As Tom remarked, "Michelin-style cookery? Kwik- Fit, more like."

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