Charmed Life

You can be sure that the day you wear the eight-year-old knickers and haven't shaved your legs Mr Wonderful is going to make the suggestion that you can't refuse. Knickers are changeable, legs are shaveable, but what can you do about a zap wound?

It is Christmas Party week and this is the week I have finally had my plastic surgery. Very bad timing. The irony of the whole thing is that while I was worried that the bandages on my jaw would detract from my sexy little party frock, the whole job was so neat that the centimetre- square bit of tape is scarcely noticeable.

It's the other thing that is literally an eye- sore. You see, my plastic surgery was necessary - I was not doing the bride of Wildenstein thing (don't want to get graphic about it, but the removal of a mole). So vanity did not enter into the equation. Then, making small talk with my surgeon - boob jobs are apparently the most popular ops at the moment - I suddenly thought, this is one man I don't have to worry about appearing vain in front of. Vanity is after all his bread and butter. So I sort of casually asked his opinion on a tiny red mark below my eye. "We can laser it off," he said. "What do you think nurse? Shall we throw it in as a freebie?" He had a quick look at the rest of my face to see if there was anything else he could laser off while he was at it, and before I knew it, zap, a tingling sensation, a faint smell of burning and it had gone. Apparently this little blast would normally cost about pounds 500, so I was delighted. A sort of facial Christmas Bonus.

By the time I got home the zapped area had turned into an unpleasant scab, and the eye was looking on the "he beats me" side. I'm a single girl going to a party - I cannot look like this. I frantically rooted around my make-up bag, looking for green cream to hide the now beacon- like zap wound, and the phone rang. It was a friend with a bulletin about her Christmas party that night. She went to get changed into her party gear, then noticed she was wearing greying baggy knickers - always a sign that you need to do some laundry. Her gym bag contained a similar example, so she was forced to nip out to make a little purchase. In M&S she selected a suitably lacy g-string and also bought two bottles of champagne to fill up her basket. As she stood at the checkout a middle aged woman behind her announced to the rest of the queue, which includes a guy from her office, "What an interesting combination. Two bottles of champagne and sexy underwear. Someone is in for a good night!"

But you've got to be prepared - you can be sure that the day you wear the eight-year-old knickers and haven't shaved your legs Mr Wonderful is going to make the suggestion that you can't refuse. Knickers are changeable, legs are shaveable, but what can you do about a zap wound? Nothing. Well one thing I suppose.

If you are at a party this week and you see a girl wearing a Marlene Dietrich style eye patch, don't worry, it's not fancy dress, it's just me and my vanity. Are eye patches sexy, I wonder? Watch this space.

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
ebooks
ebookPart of The Independent’s new eBook series The Great Composers
  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Recruitment Genius: Automotive Service Advisor - Franchised Main Dealer

    £18000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This successful, family owned m...

    Ashdown Group: Account Payable Assistant - SW London

    £20000 - £25000 per annum: Ashdown Group: Account Payable Assistant - SW Londo...

    Recruitment Genius: Bathroom Showroom Customer Service / Sales Assistant

    £14560 - £17680 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Even though their premises have...

    Recruitment Genius: Finance Manager

    £44000 - £48000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Marketing company based in cent...

    Day In a Page

    Not even the 'putrid throat' could stop the Ross Poldark swoon-fest'

    Not even the 'putrid throat' could stop the Ross Poldark swoon-fest'

    How a costume drama became a Sunday night staple
    Miliband promises no stamp duty for first-time buyers as he pushes Tories on housing

    Miliband promises no stamp duty for first-time buyers

    Labour leader pushes Tories on housing
    Aviation history is littered with grand failures - from the the Bristol Brabazon to Concorde - but what went wrong with the SuperJumbo?

    Aviation history is littered with grand failures

    But what went wrong with the SuperJumbo?
    Fear of Putin, Islamists and immigration is giving rise to a new generation of Soviet-style 'iron curtains' right across Europe

    Fortress Europe?

    Fear of Putin, Islamists and immigration is giving rise to a new generation of 'iron curtains'
    Never mind what you're wearing, it's what you're reclining on

    Never mind what you're wearing

    It's what you're reclining on that matters
    General Election 2015: Chuka Umunna on the benefits of immigration, humility – and his leader Ed Miliband

    Chuka Umunna: A virus of racism runs through Ukip

    The shadow business secretary on the benefits of immigration, humility – and his leader Ed Miliband
    Yemen crisis: This exotic war will soon become Europe's problem

    Yemen's exotic war will soon affect Europe

    Terrorism and boatloads of desperate migrants will be the outcome of the Saudi air campaign, says Patrick Cockburn
    Marginal Streets project aims to document voters in the run-up to the General Election

    Marginal Streets project documents voters

    Independent photographers Joseph Fox and Orlando Gili are uploading two portraits of constituents to their website for each day of the campaign
    Game of Thrones: Visit the real-life kingdom of Westeros to see where violent history ends and telly tourism begins

    The real-life kingdom of Westeros

    Is there something a little uncomfortable about Game of Thrones shooting in Northern Ireland?
    How to survive a social-media mauling, by the tough women of Twitter

    How to survive a Twitter mauling

    Mary Beard, Caroline Criado-Perez, Louise Mensch, Bunny La Roche and Courtney Barrasford reveal how to trounce the trolls
    Gallipoli centenary: At dawn, the young remember the young who perished in one of the First World War's bloodiest battles

    At dawn, the young remember the young

    A century ago, soldiers of the Empire – many no more than boys – spilt on to Gallipoli’s beaches. On this 100th Anzac Day, there are personal, poetic tributes to their sacrifice
    Dissent is slowly building against the billions spent on presidential campaigns – even among politicians themselves

    Follow the money as never before

    Dissent is slowly building against the billions spent on presidential campaigns – even among politicians themselves, reports Rupert Cornwell
    Samuel West interview: The actor and director on austerity, unionisation, and not mentioning his famous parents

    Samuel West interview

    The actor and director on austerity, unionisation, and not mentioning his famous parents
    General Election 2015: Imagine if the leading political parties were fashion labels

    Imagine if the leading political parties were fashion labels

    Fashion editor, Alexander Fury, on what the leaders' appearances tell us about them
    Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka: Home can be the unsafest place for women

    Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka: Home can be the unsafest place for women

    The architect of the HeForShe movement and head of UN Women on the world's failure to combat domestic violence