Charmed life

`OK, peel off.'

Peel off? Then I realised, horror of horrors, I was not wearing appropriate underwear.

Just as we all swear by our favourite restaurants and reliable minicab companies, the latest thing that everyone seems to be swearing by are people. Their people. The minute you have a sniffle/period pain/stiff neck, they have their mini Filofaxs open and are writing down the number of their aromatherapist/gynaecologist/osteopath. The information is imparted in whispered tones along the lines of "the man is a marvel", and you end up feeling a charlatan if you don't make an appointment.

After a friend had gone into eye-rolling orgasm mode one lunchtime, I decided that I'd have what she was having. I went to see her "person" - the osteopath. I don't know what I thought osteopaths looked like, but this wasn't it. Your man was a dead ringer for Errol from Hot Chocolate, and his clinic shirt, open to the waist, revealed a very large gold medallion. He was from Queens. He was a dude.

He did a preliminary lifestyle analysis re my recent backache: "Sit at a PC?", "Carry a heavy bag?" He lifted my handbag and, shaking his head in disbelief, scribbled some notes. "Which side of the bed do you sleep on - and do you generally face or turn away from your partner?" "N/A", I replied, unless you count Devon, in which case I generally turn away from him (tuna breath).

"OK, peel off." Peel off? Then I realised, horror of horrors, I was not wearing appropriate underwear. I explained to dude that I had forgotten that I was seeing him and was unfortunately wearing a little all-in-one number, which was obviously going to hamper his spine manipulating. I stood there in my problematic lace garment. Dude surveyed it. "Heh, that's a tutu, right?" "No, it's a `body," I explained - "tutus are those frilly things that ballerinas wear." "Riggght". He went on to tell me how over the years he had become a master of ladies' lingerie - nothing he hadn't seen. I wasn't sure whether he was trying to reassure me, or just bragging about it.

"Hop on the bed and we'll start with the vibrators." I had to peel down my tutu (to my waist) and lie face down, so I couldn't see what the vibrators looked like. I began to have flashbacks to a hen-night visit to Ann Summers and had a vision of dude tending to my spine with a 10-inch rotating multi- speed item (in choice of colours). He moved on to his real party trick, called: just relax and I'll wrench your neck so hard I'll think I've pulled your head off. Good trick. At this stage I was tempted to ask that burning question: "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

I think dude was in control, so I'm hanging up my tutu and going back for more. Now I can turn my head like an owl and have heard my back snap like a Christmas cracker. Want his number? The man's a marvel.

Arts and Entertainment
TVShow's twee, safe facade smashed by ice cream melting scandal
Arts and Entertainment
tv
Arts and Entertainment
Lisa Kudrow, Courtney Cox and Jennifer Anniston reunite for a mini Friends sketch on Jimmy Kimmel Live
tv
Life and Style
tech
PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebooksA superb mix of recipes serving up the freshest of local produce in a delicious range of styles
Life and Style
ebooksFrom the lifespan of a slug to the distance to the Sun: answers to 500 questions from readers
News
Actor, model and now record breaker: Jiff the Pomeranian
Video
News
REX/Eye Candy
science
Sport
Alexis Sanchez celebrates after scoring his first goal for Arsenal in the Champions League qualifier against Besiktas
sportChilean's first goal for the club secures place in draw for Champions League group stages
News
i100
News
Down time: an employee of Google uses the slide to get to the canteen
scienceBosses are inventing surprising ways of making us work harder
Independent
Travel Shop
the manor
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on city breaks Find out more
santorini
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on chic beach resorts Find out more
sardina foodie
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on country retreats Find out more
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Teacher

    £130 - £131 per day: Randstad Education Chelmsford: Ks1 teacher required for m...

    Project Manager (infrastructure, upgrades, rollouts)

    £38000 - £45000 Per Annum + excellent benefits package: Clearwater People Solu...

    MI Analyst and SQL Developer (SQL, SSAS, SSRS)

    £28000 - £32500 Per Annum + 28 days holiday, pension, discounts and more: Clea...

    Creative Content Executive (writer, social media, website)

    £30000 - £35000 Per Annum + 25 days holiday and bonus: Clearwater People Solut...

    Day In a Page

    Israel-Gaza conflict: No victory for Israel despite weeks of death and devastation

    Robert Fisk: No victory for Israel despite weeks of devastation

    Palestinians have won: they are still in Gaza, and Hamas is still there
    Mary Beard writes character reference for Twitter troll who called her a 'slut'

    Unlikely friends: Mary Beard and the troll who called her a ‘filthy old slut’

    The Cambridge University classicist even wrote the student a character reference
    America’s new apartheid: Prosperous white districts are choosing to break away from black cities and go it alone

    America’s new apartheid

    Prosperous white districts are choosing to break away from black cities and go it alone
    Amazon is buying Twitch for £600m - but why do people want to watch others playing Xbox?

    What is the appeal of Twitch?

    Amazon is buying the video-game-themed online streaming site for £600m - but why do people want to watch others playing Xbox?
    Tip-tapping typewriters, ripe pongs and slides in the office: Bosses are inventing surprising ways of making us work harder

    How bosses are making us work harder

    As it is revealed that one newspaper office pumps out the sound of typewriters to increase productivity, Gillian Orr explores the other devices designed to motivate staff
    Manufacturers are struggling to keep up with the resurgence in vinyl records

    Hard pressed: Resurgence in vinyl records

    As the resurgence in vinyl records continues, manufacturers and their outdated machinery are struggling to keep up with the demand
    Tony Jordan: 'I turned down the chance to research Charles Dickens for a TV series nine times ... then I found a kindred spirit'

    A tale of two writers

    Offered the chance to research Charles Dickens for a TV series, Tony Jordan turned it down. Nine times. The man behind EastEnders and Life on Mars didn’t feel right for the job. Finally, he gave in - and found an unexpected kindred spirit
    Could a later start to the school day be the most useful educational reform of all?

    Should pupils get a lie in?

    Doctors want a later start to the school day so that pupils can sleep later. Not because teenagers are lazy, explains Simon Usborne - it's all down to their circadian rhythms
    Prepare for Jewish jokes – as Jewish comedians get their own festival

    Prepare for Jewish jokes...

    ... as Jewish comedians get their own festival
    SJ Watson: 'I still can't quite believe that Before I Go to Sleep started in my head'

    A dream come true for SJ Watson

    Watson was working part time in the NHS when his debut novel, Before I Go to Sleep, became a bestseller. Now it's a Hollywood movie, too. Here he recalls the whirlwind journey from children’s ward to A-list film set
    10 best cycling bags for commuters

    10 best cycling bags for commuters

    Gear up for next week’s National Cycle to Work day with one of these practical backpacks and messenger bags
    Paul Scholes: Three at the back isn’t working yet but given time I’m hopeful Louis van Gaal can rebuild Manchester United

    Paul Scholes column

    Three at the back isn’t working yet but given time I’m hopeful Louis van Gaal can rebuild Manchester United
    Kate Bush, Hammersmith Apollo music review: A preamble, then a coup de théâtre - and suddenly the long wait felt worth it

    Kate Bush shows a voice untroubled by time

    A preamble, then a coup de théâtre - and suddenly the long wait felt worth it
    Robot sheepdog technology could be used to save people from burning buildings

    The science of herding is cracked

    Mathematical model would allow robots to be programmed to control crowds and save people from burning buildings
    Tyrant: Is the world ready for a Middle Eastern 'Dallas'?

    This tyrant doesn’t rule

    It’s billed as a Middle Eastern ‘Dallas’, so why does Fox’s new drama have a white British star?