Comment: Confessions of a TV hoaxer

FOLLOWING ALL the recent revelations about fake TV documentaries, I have a confession to make: I am not really a woman trapped in a man's body awaiting surgery and masquerading as a boy while dating a lesbian. I am an ordinary bloke, and I'm sorry that I misled you, Vanessa. I shouldn't have done it, but I was upset when your researchers turned me down for the necrophilia thing, after I'd lugged that coffin all the way up on the train from Bristol.

I should also say that I don't really think that Slovakian gypsies are all thieving scum hellbent on taking over this country. I just happened to be shopping in Dover with my mother when Newsroom South East had a camera set up in the Tesco car park. At first I only went over to watch, but, well, let's just say I have a knack of telling people what they want to hear. My sincere apologies to Slovakian gypsies everywhere. I'm a quarter Irish, so I know what it's like.

Let's talk about what I'm not: I'm not a bricklayer, I am not married, I do not live in Victoria Close in Solihull, and the man that you will see me punching repeatedly in an upcoming edition of Changing Rooms is not my neighbour. He's my nephew, Frank, and he was unhurt. My sincerest apologies to Carol and the crew. I actually really liked that lamp made of breeze blocks, in spite of what I said at the time. Sadly it wasn't my house, so I didn't get to keep it.

I am not, nor have I ever been, a Satanist. I did once attend a Halloween Party dressed as Ozzy Osbourne, so when I heard that Anglia News was doing a devil worship special, I dug my old costume out of the attic. I am very sorry about defacing the village church, but the programme-makers were putting a lot of pressure on me to "be more evil". If it makes any difference, the thing I drew on the altar is not a mystical incantation designed to invoke the power of the Dark Lord. It is the quadratic formula.

I am also not the Governor of the Bank of England, but I can do his voice, and you know what? Not that many people know what he looks like. I would like to apologise to all those who were upset or inconvenienced by my announcement of a 4 per cent reduction in interest rates on BBC News 24 early the other morning. I didn't realise how much that was. It sounded about right to me.

Note to Rick Stein: remember those fish you bought off me in Billingsgate? It turns out they weren't mackerel; they were small sea bass and they cost something like seven quid a pound! Sorry about that. The guy I borrowed the stall from only gave me a quick rundown the night before, and I got all muddled after you came along and started shining lights in my face. All I can say is, you got a real bargain there, mate, and yours truly paid the difference.

Which reminds me, to anyone who caught my wise old woodsman act on that Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall programme on Channel 4, a word of warning: DO NOT eat those small brown mushrooms that I pointed out to Hugh. They are not mushrooms. They are deer poo.

Who saw me on the Late Review, filling in for Tony Parsons? It was always a dream of mine to be on that programme. I really thought I was rumbled when they all started talking about that Shakespeare In Love, which I hadn't even seen, but my little tirade about it being a load of rubbish seemed to go down well. Let me just say that I've seen it since, and I thought it was very clever. Also my comment about Gwyneth Paltrow being a talentless fat pig was, in retrospect, somewhat wide of the mark. I think I must have had her mixed up with someone else. There was no real harm done, although a PA called me the next day to say that I broke a chair. If that's true, I'm sorry.

I am also sorry for driving in a reckless zig-zag fashion, at 110 miles per hour on a slip road alongside the M4 while chucking so-called "stolen" goods out the window. I was only attempting to attract the attention of a police vehicle, which I noticed had a camera mounted on its dashboard. I would like to add that I bought those CDs with my own money at a boot sale near Devizes, and I have a receipt to prove it.

I wish to apologise to all the programme-makers and broadcasters whom I have deceived over the years, and also to the viewers, who deserve better. I hope people can understand why I did what I did. I wanted to be on television, same as everyone else. If anyone would like to interview me in greater depth about this, I am available.

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookA wonderful selection of salads, starters and mains featuring venison, grouse and other game
Travel Shop
the manor
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on city breaks Find out more
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on chic beach resorts Find out more
sardina foodie
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on country retreats Find out more
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    SEN Teacher, Permanent Role in Ashford

    Competitive Salary: Randstad Education Group: Randstad urgently seeks a qualif...


    £55000 - £65000 per annum + Benefits: Progressive Recruitment: SAP BI CONSULTA...

    Infrastructure Manager - Southampton - Up to £45K

    £35000 - £45000 per annum + 36 days holiday and more: Deerfoot IT Resources Li...

    Drama Teacher

    Negotiable: Randstad Education Liverpool: We are looking for someone who can t...

    Day In a Page

    A History of the First World War in 100 Moments: Peace without magnanimity - the summit in a railway siding that ended the fighting

    A History of the First World War in 100 Moments

    Peace without magnanimity - the summit in a railway siding that ended the fighting
    Scottish independence: How the Commonwealth Games could swing the vote

    Scottish independence: How the Commonwealth Games could swing the vote

    In the final part of our series, Chris Green arrives in Glasgow - a host city struggling to keep the politics out of its celebration of sport
    Out in the cold: A writer spends a night on the streets and hears the stories of the homeless

    A writer spends a night on the streets

    Rough sleepers - the homeless, the destitute and the drunk - exist in every city. Will Nicoll meets those whose luck has run out
    Striking new stations, high-speed links and (whisper it) better services - the UK's railways are entering a new golden age

    UK's railways are entering a new golden age

    New stations are opening across the country and our railways appear to be entering an era not seen in Britain since the early 1950s
    Conchita Wurst becomes a 'bride' on the Paris catwalk - and proves there is life after Eurovision

    Conchita becomes a 'bride' on Paris catwalk

    Alexander Fury salutes the Eurovision Song Contest winner's latest triumph
    Pétanque World Championship in Marseilles hit by

    Pétanque 'world cup' hit by death threats

    This year's most acrimonious sporting event took place in France, not Brazil. How did pétanque get so passionate?
    Whelks are healthy, versatile and sustainable - so why did we stop eating them in the UK?

    Why did we stop eating whelks?

    Whelks were the Victorian equivalent of the donor kebab and our stocks are abundant. So why do we now export them all to the Far East?
    10 best women's sunglasses

    In the shade: 10 best women's sunglasses

    From luxury bespoke eyewear to fun festival sunnies, we round up the shades to be seen in this summer
    Germany vs Argentina World Cup 2014: Lionel Messi? Javier Mascherano is key for Argentina...

    World Cup final: Messi? Mascherano is key for Argentina...

    No 10 is always centre of attention but Barça team-mate is just as crucial to finalists’ hopes
    Siobhan-Marie O’Connor: Swimmer knows she needs Glasgow joy on road to Rio

    Siobhan-Marie O’Connor: Swimmer needs Glasgow joy on road to Rio

    18-year-old says this month’s Commonwealth Games are a key staging post in her career before time slips away
    The true Gaza back-story that the Israelis aren’t telling this week

    The true Gaza back-story that the Israelis aren’t telling this week

    A future Palestine state will have no borders and be an enclave within Israel, surrounded on all sides by Israeli-held territory, says Robert Fisk
    A History of the First World War in 100 Moments: The German people demand an end to the fighting

    A History of the First World War in 100 Moments

    The German people demand an end to the fighting
    New play by Oscar Wilde's grandson reveals what the Irish wit said at his trials

    New play reveals what Oscar Wilde said at trials

    For a century, what Wilde actually said at his trials was a mystery. But the recent discovery of shorthand notes changed that. Now his grandson Merlin Holland has turned them into a play
    Can scientists save the world's sea life from

    Can scientists save our sea life?

    By the end of the century, the only living things left in our oceans could be plankton and jellyfish. Alex Renton meets the scientists who are trying to turn the tide
    Richard III, Trafalgar Studios, review: Martin Freeman gives highly intelligent performance

    Richard III review

    Martin Freeman’s psychotic monarch is big on mockery but wanting in malice