Confessions of a Labour virgin

Under a Labour government, I am to become very fat. When we woke up on the Friday, the first thing Mum said was, "Well, it's your first experience of life without the Tories. You can do whatever you like." Eager to think of the best demand we could, my sister and I conferred. "We would like chocolate and Coca-Cola for breakfast." This is the same request I made when I passed my 11-plus. "Fine," agreed Mum. And we have eaten am Coke and chocolate ever since, as if a radical revamp of old- style British breakfasts was one of the policies Peter Mandelson had been hushing up until Blair got in.

Swept up by electoral excitement, I had returned to the parental home. It's like Christmas: I didn't want to be on my own in the flat on this glorious family occasion. Dad was at the polling station at ten to seven in the morning, anxious to put a cross in the box while the pencil was still sharp. Two years ago he even put Hughie the Hat - a visitor from Independent Scotland, who was sleeping in his office doorway - on the electoral roll. Hughie had had his first few tinnies when I dragged him to the poll. He can't remember who he voted for. With each shaky step he veered from "PADDY'S MA BOY" to "TONY'S THE ONE".

Every time the Tories lost a seat, Dad did an Indian war dance around the living room and shrieked, "Wipe Out!" as if he were auditioning for a Dances with Wolves sequel featuring The Beach Boys. At seven the next day, Mum ordered him to bed. "It's not fair," he sulked. "The Dimblebys haven't been to sleep yet."

Our favourite moment was when youthful beauty Stephen Twigg, an open homosexual, unseated known heterosexual Michael Portillo. When Twigg won, he had a look on his face suggesting he had won a toffee apple at the school tombola. He rolled his eyes. My sister, Dad, and I are eager to move to Enfield to be closer to him. Mum has yet to succumb. In the meantime we are planning a Stephen Twigg Web page.

To be honest, I feel torn, for I love Michael Denzil Xavier. I love him like I loved the very meanest teacher at school, who spat when he shouted and made you cry and blush at the same time. I can't be doing with that nice boy, Blair. Or so I thought, until passing Buckingham Palace 15 minutes before he was due to be sworn in, I decided to wait for him to arrive. Shunting aside babies and old ladies, I came home cooing, "He waved at me!" Such was my excitement, I persuaded my best friend, Barbara, that we are to stop lusting after actors and pop stars and become political groupies instead.

"Pop stars are always surrounded by beautiful 14-year-olds. Whenever politicians have affairs it's always with some weird 40-year-old prostitute. They'd be thrilled to go out with us."

"Great," she grinned. "I bagsy Gordon Brown."

"You can't bagsy Gordon Brown."

"Why not?"

"Well what if he doesn't want to be bagsied?"

"I bagsy Gordon Brown or I'm not playing."

I put it to Barbara that she was the child at school who bagsied Joe Strummer, Paul Weller and Hans Solo."

"That's it! Gordon Brown is Hans Solo to Blair's Luke Skywalker. Blair's the perennial blond virgin and Brown's the moody loner. I definitely bagsy him."

"You used to love John Prescott."

"Gone off him. He looks like he's been stuffed."

Dad overhears us and tells us to stop judging politicians on their looks. So we quickly say "Twigg" and his eyes glaze over and he has to sit down and gasp "Oh little Twiggie, he's so cute."

The next day, skimming through a report about Martin Bell, he suddenly announces: "If I ever see Neil Hamilton, I shall throw a pot of yoghurt at him."

Intrigued by his choice of weapon, I look up from my breakfast of fudge cake and Cola. "Why yoghurt?"

He doesn't answer. Instead, for the millionth time that weekend, he points to the photo in the paper, where my Michael Denzil looks ready to melt in defeat like Dorothy's witch. Dorothy's friend, Stephen, beams, out of focus. Dad pats the blur and burbles: "Look at sweet little Twiggie. He's so cute," until I snatch it out of his hand and turn to the TV listingsn

Emma Forrest

PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
ebooks
ebookPart of The Independent’s new eBook series The Great Composers
Arts and Entertainment
Peter Mayhew as Chewbacca alongside Harrison Ford's Han Solo in 'Star Wars'
film
News
i100
Arts and Entertainment
British actor Idris Elba is also a DJ and rapper who played Ibiza last summer
filmIdris Elba responds to James Bond rumours on Twitter
News
Hackers revealed Oscar-winning actress Lawrence was paid less than her male co-stars in American Hustle
people
Arts and Entertainment
Ellie Levenson’s The Election book demystifies politics for children
bookNew children's book primes the next generation for politics
News
Outspoken: Alexander Fury, John Rentoul, Ellen E Jones and Katy Guest
newsFrom the Scottish referendum to the Ice Bucket Challenge, our writers voice their opinions
Sport
Adnan Januzaj and Gareth Bale
footballManchester United set to loan out Januzaj to make room for Bale - if a move for the Welshman firms up
Arts and Entertainment
Lena Headey as Cersei Lannister in Game of Thrones
film
News
i100
Sport
Yaya Sanogo, Mats Hummels, Troy Deeney and Adnan Januzaj
footballMost Premier League sides are after a striker, but here's a full run down of the ins and outs that could happen over the next month
News
Nigel Farage celebrates with a pint after early local election results in the Hoy and Helmet pub in South Benfleet in Essex
peopleHe has shaped British politics 'for good or ill'
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Recruitment Genius: Panel & Cabinet Wireman

    £20000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Panel Wireman required for small electro...

    Recruitment Genius: Electronics Test Engineer

    £25000 - £27000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: An SME based in East Cheshire, ...

    Recruitment Genius: Marketing Assistant

    £18000 - £22000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Do you have previous experience...

    Recruitment Genius: Accounts Administrator

    £16000 - £18000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

    Day In a Page

    War with Isis: The West needs more than a White Knight

    The West needs more than a White Knight

    Despite billions spent on weapons, the US has not been able to counter Isis's gruesome tactics, says Patrick Cockburn
    Return to Helmand: Private Davey Graham recalls the day he was shot by the Taliban

    'The day I was shot by the Taliban'

    Private Davey Graham was shot five times during an ambush in 2007 - it was the first, controversial photograph to show the dangers our soldiers faced in Helmand province
    Revealed: the best and worst airlines for delays

    Revealed: the best and worst airlines for delays

    Many flyers are failing to claim compensation to which they are entitled, a new survey has found
    The stories that defined 2014: From the Scottish independence referendum to the Ice Bucket Challenge, our writers voice their opinions

    The stories that defined 2014

    From the Scottish independence referendum to the Ice Bucket Challenge, our writers voice their opinions
    Stoke-on-Trent becomes first British city to be classified as 'disaster resilient' by the United Nations

    Disaster looming? Now you know where to head...

    Which British city has become the first to be awarded special 'resilience' status by the UN?
    Finally, a diet that works: Californian pastor's wildly popular Daniel Plan has seen his congregation greatly reduced

    Finally, a diet that works

    Californian pastor's wildly popular Daniel Plan has seen his congregation greatly reduced
    Say it with... lyrics: The power of song was never greater, according to our internet searches

    Say it with... lyrics

    The power of song was never greater, according to our internet searches
    Professor Danielle George: On a mission to bring back the art of 'thinkering'

    The joys of 'thinkering'

    Professor Danielle George on why we have to nurture tomorrow's scientists today
    Monique Roffey: The author on father figures, the nation's narcissism and New Year reflections

    Monique Roffey interview

    The author on father figures, the nation's narcissism and New Year reflections
    Introducing my anti-heroes of 2014

    Introducing my anti-heroes of 2014

    Their outrageousness and originality makes the world a bit more interesting, says Ellen E Jones
    DJ Taylor: Good taste? It's all a matter of timing...

    Good taste? It's all a matter of timing...

    It has been hard to form generally accepted cultural standards since the middle of the 19th century – and the disintegration is only going to accelerate, says DJ Taylor
    Olivia Jacobs & Ben Caplan: 'Ben thought the play was called 'Christian Love'. It was 'Christie in Love' - about a necrophiliac serial killer'

    How we met

    Olivia Jacobs and Ben Caplan
    Bill Granger recipes: Our chef's breakfasts will revitalise you in time for the New Year

    Bill Granger's healthy breakfasts

    Our chef's healthy recipes are perfect if you've overindulged during the festive season
    Transfer guide: From Arsenal to West Ham - what does your club need in the January transfer window?

    Who does your club need in the transfer window?

    Most Premier League sides are after a striker, but here's a full run down of the ins and outs that could happen over the next month
    The Last Word: From aliens at FA to yak’s milk in the Tour, here’s to 2015

    Michael Calvin's Last Word

    From aliens at FA to yak’s milk in the Tour, here’s to 2015