Creativity

Readers have not been generous in their suggestions for the creative redeployment of former MPs. "String 'em up; it's the only language they understand," says Michael Rubinstein. "They should be taken out and shot," says Eric Brown, "preferably by the returning officer." He describes this as both an act of kindness and the ultimate voice of democracy. "Grind them into Euro-sausage," suggests Alex Harley.

More positively, Susan Tomes thinks they would make good vagrants, because they are used to sleeping on the benches. Or, she says, "give them auburn wigs and lead them to the Italian Masters rooms at the National Gallery, to be displayed as poly-Titians."

Several readers suggested combining MPs with the As from misspelt Independents that we had left over from a couple of weeks ago. Then they'd have maps to chart their future careers, or amps to boost the power supply. "Send them to Branson to help fill hot air balloons," says RJ Pickles.

Martin Brown sees their expertise at cheering and booing put to good use among live audiences of TV shows. Geoffrey Langley hopes to use their expertise in order-paper waving for a career as professional taxi-hailers or Mexican wave warmer-uppers.

"They can give 'Best Way to Lose Your Seat' lectures to members of Weightwatchers," says Brian Penson. TJ Stone points out that removing an MP can be an iortant matter of great iact. He iresses on us the iortance of putting them back in order to make Britain grempat agampin.

Robert Irving thinks they should be cast as Brutus in Julius Caesar, or employed as bricklayers to build more prisons. "I place my ex-MPs in a large container and boil them for some considerable time," begins Norman Foster. He uses the grease that rises to the top to oil the wheels of democracy, while the least attractive carcasses serve as sleeping policemen.

Sian Cole thinks they might help cultivate her "completely undeveloped steamy side". Other readers, however, believe that Ms Cole might be disappointed now that they have lost the whip.

Pauline Fleming has supplied a personal service with a specific list of ex-MPs and jobs she thinks they would suit. Malcolm Rifkind as a bagpipe tuner and Edwina Currie as the speaking clock seemed peculiarly appropriate. Maguy Higgs does it in verse, beginning:

Make them stand by their beds

with their caps on their heads,

Teach them discipline and

following of rules:

No more scandals, no more

sleaze,

Spartan sandals, bread and

cheese,

In the manner of their one-time

public schools.

C Douglas has them as traffic bollards or tailors' dummies. David Hare thinks that six of them could form a drinks cabinet. Luela Palmer says that their recent experience in losing would make them natural selections for the England cricket team. "Put them in brown envelopes and sell them under the counter at Harrods," says Francis Pilkington. Mike Peart thinks they might be good at teaching people to give up their seats on public transport.

In the end, perhaps," concludes John Donnelly, "they will just have to get on their bike and look for a job, I'm afraid." Prizes to Francis Pilkington, TJ Stone and Susan Tomes. Next week, things to do with buttonholes. Meanwhile, we seek uses for dust. Ideas will be welcome at: Creativity, The Independent, 1 Canada Square, Canary Wharf, London E14 5DL. Chambers Dictionary prizes for those we like best.

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
Sport
The Queen and the letter sent to Charlie
football
Arts and Entertainment
Eurovision Song Contest 2015
EurovisionGoogle marks the 2015 show
News
Two lesbians hold hands at a gay pride parade.
peopleIrish journalist shares moving story on day of referendum
Arts and Entertainment
<p>
<b>Kathryn Williams</b>
</p>
<p>
When I was supporting Ray La Montagne I was six months pregnant. He had been touring for a year and he was exhausted and full of the cold. I was feeling motherly, so I would leave presents for him and his band: Tunnock's Tea Cakes, cold remedies and proper tea. Ray seemed painfully shy. He hardly spoke, hardly looked at you in the face. I felt like a dick speaking to him, but said "hi" every day. </p>
<p>
He was being courted by the same record company who had signed me and subsequently let me go, and I wanted him to know that there were people around who didn't want anything from him. At the Shepherds Bush Empire in London, on the last night of the tour, Ray stopped in his set to thank me for doing the support. He said I was a really good songwriter and people should buy my stuff. I was taken aback and felt emotionally overwhelmed. Later that year, just before I had my boy Louis, I was l asleep in bed with Radio 4 on when Louis moved around in my belly and woke me up. Ray was doing a session on the World Service. </p>
<p>
I really believe that Louis recognised the music from the tour, and when I gave birth to him at home I played Ray's record as something that he would recognise to come into the world with. </p>
booksKathryn Williams explores the works and influences of Sylvia Plath
News
Liz Kendall played a key role in the introduction of the smoking ban
newsLiz Kendall: profile
Life and Style
techPatent specifies 'anthropomorphic device' to control media devices
Voices
The PM proposed 'commonsense restrictions' on migrant benefits
voicesAndrew Grice: Prime Minister can talk 'one nation Conservatism' but putting it into action will be tougher
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Guru Careers: Software Developer / C# Developer

    £40-50K: Guru Careers: We are seeking an experienced Software / C# Developer w...

    Guru Careers: Software Developer

    £35 - 40k + Benefits: Guru Careers: We are seeking a Software Developer (JavaS...

    SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant / Resourcer

    £18000 - £23000 per annum + Commission: SThree: As a Trainee Recruitment Consu...

    Ashdown Group: UI Developer - (UI, HTML, CSS, JavaScript, AngularJS)

    £25000 - £40000 per annum: Ashdown Group: UI Developer - (UI, JavaScript, HTML...

    Day In a Page

    Sun, sex and an anthropological study: One British academic's summer of hell in Magaluf

    Sun, sex and an anthropological study

    One academic’s summer of hell in Magaluf
    From Shakespeare to Rising Damp... to Vicious

    Frances de la Tour's 50-year triumph

    'Rising Damp' brought De la Tour such recognition that she could be forgiven if she'd never been able to move on. But at 70, she continues to flourish - and to beguile
    'That Whitsun, I was late getting away...'

    Ian McMillan on the Whitsun Weddings

    This weekend is Whitsun, and while the festival may no longer resonate, Larkin's best-loved poem, lives on - along with the train journey at the heart of it
    Kathryn Williams explores the works and influences of Sylvia Plath in a new light

    Songs from the bell jar

    Kathryn Williams explores the works and influences of Sylvia Plath
    How one man's day in high heels showed him that Cannes must change its 'no flats' policy

    One man's day in high heels

    ...showed him that Cannes must change its 'flats' policy
    Is a quiet crusade to reform executive pay bearing fruit?

    Is a quiet crusade to reform executive pay bearing fruit?

    Dominic Rossi of Fidelity says his pressure on business to control rewards is working. But why aren’t other fund managers helping?
    The King David Hotel gives precious work to Palestinians - unless peace talks are on

    King David Hotel: Palestinians not included

    The King David is special to Jerusalem. Nick Kochan checked in and discovered it has some special arrangements, too
    More people moving from Australia to New Zealand than in the other direction for first time in 24 years

    End of the Aussie brain drain

    More people moving from Australia to New Zealand than in the other direction for first time in 24 years
    Meditation is touted as a cure for mental instability but can it actually be bad for you?

    Can meditation be bad for you?

    Researching a mass murder, Dr Miguel Farias discovered that, far from bringing inner peace, meditation can leave devotees in pieces
    Eurovision 2015: Australians will be cheering on their first-ever entrant this Saturday

    Australia's first-ever Eurovision entrant

    Australia, a nation of kitsch-worshippers, has always loved the Eurovision Song Contest. Maggie Alderson says it'll fit in fine
    Letterman's final Late Show: Laughter, but no tears, as David takes his bow after 33 years

    Laughter, but no tears, as Letterman takes his bow after 33 years

    Veteran talkshow host steps down to plaudits from four presidents
    Ivor Novello Awards 2015: Hozier wins with anti-Catholic song 'Take Me To Church' as John Whittingdale leads praise for Black Sabbath

    Hozier's 'blasphemous' song takes Novello award

    Singer joins Ed Sheeran and Clean Bandit in celebration of the best in British and Irish music
    Tequila gold rush: The spirit has gone from a cheap shot to a multi-billion pound product

    Join the tequila gold rush

    The spirit has gone from a cheap shot to a multi-billion pound product
    12 best statement wallpapers

    12 best statement wallpapers

    Make an impact and transform a room with a conversation-starting pattern
    Paul Scholes column: Does David De Gea really want to leave Manchester United to fight it out for the No 1 spot at Real Madrid?

    Paul Scholes column

    Does David De Gea really want to leave Manchester United to fight it out for the No 1 spot at Real Madrid?