Another popular theme was that of cementing relationships - "for helping couples to stick together", as John and Fiona Earle put it. Steph and Paul see it as "kissing tape to trap a reluctant loved one". Nicholas E Gough advocates embracing after covering ample portions of both bodies with double-sided sticky tape. Jill Warner says that extra-strength tape would make marriages endure far longer than the traditional "tying the knot". Alan McMurray even provides us with the liturgy for the double- sided sticky wedding: "I, [name], tape thee [name], to my wedded husband/wife, to stick with thee from this day forward ... until our adhesive doth run out." Later unsticky moments, he says, could be referred for mediation to the DSS (Double-Sided Stickytape).
More ideas: flycatcher (almost everyone); to keep dentures or wigs in place (several); on underside of dog's paws to pick up garden leaves (Jill Warner); on paws of hyperactive kangaroos (Frank Card); on back while driving, to eliminate discomfort of a seat belt (Norman Foster); tape yourself to travelling companion to eliminate the need for strap-hanging in tube trains (Richard Kemp); tape hamster to back of cage to save it the effort of compulsive nocturnal exercise (Annemarie Cooper); tape to shins to stop socks from slipping (Andrew McCloy); to stick corkscrews to floor and ceiling as novelty stalagmites and stalactites (AJ Brewer); interleaved in party manifestos to avoid post-electoral disappointment (R Wickstead); to stop heavily-filled floury baps from falling apart as soon as you bite into them, or chop into small pieces to mend last week's broken clocks (Keith Burnett); to gag gangster and moll simultaneously (Ann Phillips); to keep bums on seats (Maguy Higgs); to stick ears to head (RJ Pickles, who also suggests wrapping yourself in it at night so you don't slip out of bed on nylon sheets).
Sian Cole sticks it exiguously to her rude bits, then sprinkles chocolate flakes and banana slices to hide the tape. Frank Card offers to use some "to remove both fluff and chewing gum from Sian Cole's lovely navel".
We come to the medical uses. Between the lips as a diet aid, or between knees as birth control, says Norman Foster. Temporary cure for flatulence, says CA Nixon. "For closure of surgical wounds, thus saving on suture materials (hospital budget) and suture removal (community nursing budget) in line with government policy," says Jill Wheatcroft. For surgeons separating organs from Siamese twins, says P Bear, who also suggests a filing system for doubles entendres. Rollo Wicksteed recommends sticking single-entendres together with double-sided tape. He also points out that you can make single-sided tape by sticking single-sided tape to double-sided tape. Mike Peart points out that single-sided tape is known in France as "Scotch". Double-sided must therefore be double scotch.
John Dolan hangs a strip in his room to remind him when dusting is needed. Alex Harley covers her floor with it, then lets the dog moult - "a good- sized carpet within five to six days in winter". She recommends it on the inside of condom rims for security, too.
Prizes to Rollo Wicksteed, Alex Harley, Keith Burnett. Next week, cuckoos. Meanwhile, we seek things to do with Filofaxes. Ideas welcome at: Creativity, The Independent, 1 Canada Square, Canary Wharf, London E14 5DL. Chambers Dictionary prizes for those we like best.Reuse content