As if that wasn't bad enough, I hear today that you are going to host the ultimate mainstream event, the ITV movie awards. And you've even done the most predictable thing of all - ended up all over the tabloids because of a failed fling with the pop singer Kim Wilde and separation from Carol (your wife, remember?). Carol says the only contact she has with you is when she sees you on TV and it's painful. I know how she feels.
What got into you, Chris? Fame and money turn your head? I expected more of you - or at least that you'd have staved off the naffness of stardom a bit longer.
Only last week I was reminiscing with a fellow mourner about your Saturday morning show. There was the thrill of the 'Billy' slot, in which listeners in cars yelled 'Billy' at unsuspecting pedestrians and it was all broadcast live via their mobile phones. Or 'The Kids Are Alright', a phone-in quiz with a prize of a bottle of Bourbon for children who answered all three questions incorrectly.
Carol, who co-hosted the GLR show, says you grew apart because of the pressures of celebrity. Silly you. Don't you understand that the little insights into your life as an average couple - a flat in Belsize Park, visits to the local, too knackered to have sex most of the time - were all part of the charm. Now it's innuendos about Rachel Tatton-Brown, a production assistant and former model, who follows in the footsteps of Kim Wilde. Kim Wilde? For goodness sake. I suppose the moment you confided the depth of your love to Piers Morgan in the Sun was the kiss of death.
Another thing. Your hair. You've let some designer hairdresser with more gel than sense talk you into teasing it into wavy locks, haven't you? OK, I know you were invisible on GLR, but I'd seen pictures of you with your nerdy ginger short back and sides and Buddy Holly specs. Anyway, that's just what you sounded like. But the goofy persona you projected was brilliant, because underneath was a razor wit ready to slice up conceited celebrities who took you at face value, as it were.
I suppose I shouldn't begrudge you your success, but I am so disappointed in you. Channel 4 was smart enough to hire you because it knows a one-off, an original, when it sees one. Now you're becoming just like all the others.
One of the funniest slots on your GLR show was 'Personality or Person', when you tested the stars on their knowledge of current affairs to see how in touch with reality they were. Would you pass the test now?
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