Dear Daryl Hannah

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Indy Lifestyle Online
Those of us who worship you from afar on any beach wheresoever are torn apart by the rumours that you might be breaking up with JFK Jr. Or, if it's true, is that a sigh of relief you're hearing?

The uncertainty is bad. I mean, come on, in the past month we've heard you were all lovey-dovey, that you had got married to the guy, then that you'd had a bassinet delivered to your apartment, then that Jackie didn't want her precious boy married to anything so downmarket as a mere actress. Some of us stopped there. This is an obstacle that didn't stop his dad or his grandad, and certainly not his uncle, from taking up with entertainers. Anyway, what's so high class about a Greek tycoon, apart from his money?

It's the idea that you might marry a Kennedy that really bugs your fans. You want to be driven to drink, or over a bridge? Some of us have had your purported future uncle-in-law around with lady senators draped all over him, saying what a wonderful guy he is, and how much he's done for women. For women? Huh. To women is more like it. In the old days, parents used to ask about, you know, a husband's prospects, who his family was; they had a pretty sound idea that genetics had something to do with choosing a mate. I'd say that the Kennedy genetics were long on priapics and short on any notion of women as human beings.

Now you may say that Jack Jr, who is too rich for his own good, and far too famous to lead a private life of any kind, is a different man from his dad and grandad. I'd say three generations is long enough to judge a horse's blood and probably enough for a man. Do you really want to go off to Hollywood and do great pictures - like Fifty Foot Woman is bound to be - and find out in the gossip columns that your guy's been off cycling around with a blonde in black? In Central Park even] It's one thing to smooch for a quarter-hour on your front steps and be on national TV, but what's it going to be like to tune in one night and see him doing the same with some other broad?

Listen, take some advice from an old man. You've been around him for some time. So you don't have to listen to Madonna telling you he's not much in the sack. That you know or you don't. And if you want to keep this JFK Jr thing going for a while because it's free ink and sells tickets, OK. But remember, Jack Jr needed three attempts to pass his law exams: who needs a guy who, until recently, didn't know a tort from a tart?

Jackie lets you off the hook, kiddo. Just say no.