Then you used Gillian's idle boast on the video against her. 'I give good head,' you thundered, 'may be her epitaph.' I was going to be a silly old feminist, George, and throw up at your revolting, sexist attempt to degrade Ms Taylforth. (I was also going to be a nit-picking grammarian and remind you that tombstones don't use the present tense. And three centuries ago Andrew Marvell reminded us that graves were not places for embracing - and probably not for giving head, either).
Then I thought again about the impact of your statement and I decided there's something else here that really needs to be said. What's wrong with a possible future epitaph that states: 'I give good head?' Compared to most of the pious, uninspired carvings in the cemetery, this one is engaging, unpretentious - dare I say succinct? Sure, there are more elegant, stylish ways of phrasing such a talent, but let's not quibble. The real point is 'giving good head' is all about warmth, pleasure and overwhelming intimacy (at least this is what it's about at its best). And, hey George, it benefits men] Often, it's all for men] Maybe you should be giving out medals for good performance, instead of trying to degrade a woman who claims prowess.
Anyway, oral sex (to be clinical about it) is a great national pastime. Did you read the results of the survey, Sexual Behaviour in Britain, published in the Independent on Sunday? Apparently, about three-quarters of British men and more than two-thirds of British women have experienced oral sex. OK, I admit the survey didn't tell us just how good everyone was at it. But in the light of those statistics, the epitaph 'I give good head' is not much different from one that reads 'I was a champion Sunday shopper' or 'I always watched EastEnders.' Normal habits, really. So what?
You're getting it now, George, aren't you? You thought that turning Gillian Taylforth's words back on her would bring her ridicule and shame. But all I, and no doubt many others, feel for the actress is empathy, fondness and understanding. What's so bad about something that's good?
Maybe we should be using this epitaph more, at that. It's nicer and more human than 'I sold council houses for votes' or 'I kept single mothers and their children in dirty bed-and-breakfasts'.
And come to think of it, George, don't you wonder how it all came to this? Does the great British public have nothing more important to agonise over than the private antics of a couple in a Range Rover on a sliproad?
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