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Dear Selina Scott

Sweetie darling, whatever have you done to incur the wrath of The Donald? Could it perhaps be that the megalomillionaire has fallen head over heels?
So, you're obnoxious, boring and unattractive. It's not me who says so, it's Donald Trump, and he doesn't stop there. He says you have "little talent", ask "foolish" questions, are "uptight and insecure" and are - wait for it - "very sleazy".

When you recovered from the shock of this tirade, I hope you managed at least a small smile. To be labelled unattractive and sleazy by Trump ... not until you get calls from Olly Reed and Jeffrey Bernard saying you drink too much and Sharon from EastEnders accusing you of being a brassy little bottle blonde will you receive another insult to savour like this.

It was your interview with Trump on ITV last month that caused the trouble. He says that it was "edited in such a manner as to be outright false ... the piece was mean-spirited, snide and in many respects, totally inaccurate". According to him, you fluffed up because one of your cameras wasn't working and begged him to redo the interview, which he found very inconvenient but agreed to because he felt sorry for you, "in that you are obviously a woman who has seen better days".

What on earth is going on here? What can you have done to provoke this furious stream of personal insults? My memory may be failing me, but as I recall it, your interview with Trump might have been sponsored by Hello! magazine, such was the level of ingratiation you stooped to. Your every giggle, blush and flirtatious come-on was faithfully recorded, and it's a toss-up as to whether you or he hogged the most minutes on screen. After a quarter of an hour of your toadying, I had to reach for a Remegel to keep my dinner down.

Now I am supposed to believe that your "mischievous" (your word) portrait of Trump reduced a man who has been savagely lampooned by Americans for a decade to such a state that he sat down to compose a 500-word letter to you, and then leaked its vitriol to the world's media a day before posting it? Come, come. There's something else going on here, and I think we both know what it is.

Selina, the man's obsessed with you, patently smitten, and this is simply the first step in an elaborate courtship ritual. No one who wasn't hooked could possibly find so much to say about you. And given his wealth and influence, his is a game you'd be well advised to play. Your interview with Trump was, it seems, fixed up by ex-King Constantine of Greece (and Donald's mad with him, too, he says). But if you thought King Con and your other royal pals were useful contacts, wait till you see what the Trump empire can do for you.

The truth is, you belong with people like Donald now. You've signed as a chatshow host with NBC Super Channel - the days of News at Ten and Scott Free are long gone. You're out of our league now; you're a star. The only sensible advice I can give you is to go with Donald wherever he wants to take you.

God speed and good luck. I'd like to say I'll miss you, but I'm afraid I don't think I'd mean it.