Look I know you're feeling depressed today and I do understand. But can you please just stop going on about the Bobbitts? We're all sick to the back teeth of the subject and, no, a pop-up card last year would not have made any difference.

You also keep blaming yourself about Naomi Campbell and that bloke from U2: one minute they're booked for a reception in the West Indies, next they're flying in to London on different bits of Concorde. Relax, Vally. Supermodels and rock stars go together like beauty and the beast, and if Mick and Jerry can keep it together so can Adam and Naomi.

Prince Edward's fear of commitment is, I know, another thorn in your side - but better safe than sorry when it comes to the Royal Family, don't you think?

Then there's Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett, who split up only months after their surprise marriage. But you can't blame yourself for that, Vally. It could be the curse of Hello] or maybe it's simply that Pretty Woman into Fraserhead doesn't go.

Still your self-chastisement continues: the cancelled school trip to Romeo and Juliet the cricketer who dumped his wife by fax the fact that Daryl Hannah and John Kennedy seem to spend their whole time arguing in Central Park that John McCarthy and Jill Morrell still haven't tied the knot. To make matters worse, some wag has named today - of all days - National Impotence Day. Ha, ha, ha.

First of all, let's get things into perspective: you're a saint not a god. If anyone is to blame for this year's romantic disasters it's Cupid who, as you know, has been too heavy to fly very far since he started hormone therapy on the grounds that he wanted 'to grow up'.

Second, last year was not such a catastrophe. Think about it: Liz Taylor and Larry Fortensky are still together] So are Woody Allen and Soon-Yi] Camille Paglia fell in love] Marco Pierre White is hoping to be third time lucky] Gosh, Jane Seymour went to Kenya to do it for - was it the fifth or sixth time? Kate Capshaw revealed to the world how she finally got her man, Steven Spielberg, even though he was married to someone else.

Hope never dies, even for men nearing their eighties such as Glenn Ford, who has found love with his devoted young nurse. Even Burt Reynolds and Loni Anderson, engaged in a bitter divorce, were so shocked by the LA earthquake that they've resolved to stop squabbling and sign on the dotted line.

So, Happy Valentine's Day, darling.

With love,

That would be telling, wouldn't it?

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