Diary of a divorce


We've now got to the stage where Professionals are being called in to dismember the body of our marriage and distribute its various limbs and organs appropriately. It's not like doing a nice neat butchery job, slice it up into hocks and hams, knuckles and trotters, two of each for both of us. No, it's more like a student dissection - pick apart one bit this week then shove the lot in formalin and swot up the next section ready for next week.

We are, to use the proper term, in the financial disclosure stage. This sounds like something vaguely racy: it makes me think of gauzy underwear, slightly soiled. (That could be the five weeks without sex of course.) In fact it's just boring... it means I have to acquaint myself with insurance policies profiles, endowment mortgage reliefs, and financial projectiles. It means knowing exactly how much I spent last month at the garden centre. All things which I thought were the reason for having a conscientious husband who spent Sunday nights doing the bills - so I didn't have to think about them. Like I don't have to think about how to open the bonnet of my car because I know where the garage is.

Of course, as part of my new found freedom, I have to examine all the bills including those for the phone. I realise that, for the last several months, Beloved's bill-paying on Sunday nights has been a secondary activity to calling Bonk .... every 3 minutes from 10pm to midnight in 30 second bursts of passion interrupted by me carrying washing up and down stairs. They did get one phone call that wasn't coitus interruptus ... 93 minutes late one night. He must have hosed down the phone and steam-cleaned the orthopaedic desk chair before I woke up the next morning.

It does of course suggest that we are in the presence of genuine passion here, not just two people colluding with Bob Hoskins. I mean, I've never been on the phone for 93 minutes to anyone, ever. Not even when my mate Jenny used to describe what she'd been doing with her boyfriend in the back of his car, in enormous detail. As I was doing A level biology at the time, I was qualified to tell her whether any of it would make her pregnant. Considering where the sperm went (and how much of it there was) I'm surprised it didn't make his mother pregnant when she sat in the driver's seat the next morning.

Anyway, an hour and a half on the phone tells me that Beloved and Bonk are truly hot. And seeing it there listed on a BT bill made it all terribly real. I thought I'd got over the carpet chewing stage but ,a minute after spotting that little item on the page Bunny, my daughter, was on the phone to our neighbour: "Mummy's lying on the floor making a funny noise.Can you come round?"

The reality factor is the worst bit of all the form-filling involved in this bloody divorce business. Seeing the whole of the last 20 years of my life summarised in a couple of columns of sums and a sheet or two of sparsely-covered A4 is enough to get me right back to winning the Juliet Stevenson Shield for Emotional Expression every time I crawl in through the door of the lawyer's office.

Luckily my lawyer is a tough cookie: an American gal who could whip the nylons off her beautiful legs to mend a puncture and do a tracheotomy with a biro. Sometimes I think I want her babies.

She understands all about endowment profile policy insurance projectiles, (and she now knows how I indulged myself with two new varieties of peony and a chic pair of secateurs). She spots it when Beloved is about to do something sneaky and prevents me from telling him to put his money where the sun won't shine. Because, of course, that's what I want to do ... if I can't have him as my husband I want him and everything to do with him from joint account to hire purchase agreement to be beamed up to Alpha Centauri. Sadly I can't afford the luxury of severing myself from Beloved as if he were a gangrenous limb, because having spent the last several years fitting work between making chocolate cakes with Smarties on top and reading the entire Narnia series out loud, my earning power is somewhat impaired. So I have to think of my erstwhile lover and friend as nothing more than a meal ticket.

Unless of course my current efforts to give my career the kiss of life actually work, and I suddenly become terrifically successful. This is a most cheering fantasy (along with haemorrhoids for Bonk). I take Beloved out to lunch, picking him up in my Saab soft-top convertible, dressed entirely in Nicole Fahri (does she make knickers, I wonder?) I listen sympathetically to the tale of his failed relationship and ruined career. I take him home, drop him at the door and drive off (having discreetly slipped him pounds 20). And without even looking in the mirror I know he is standing in the road, watching longingly as I disappear.

Ah ... I think I may have just found a substitute for sex.

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookA wonderful selection of salads, starters and mains featuring venison, grouse and other game
Life and Style
Arts and Entertainment
Southern charm: Nicolas Cage and Tye Sheridan in ‘Joe’
filmReview: Actor delivers astonishing performance in low budget drama
Arts and Entertainment
While many films were released, few managed to match the success of James Bond blockbuster 'Skyfall'
Arts and Entertainment
Up my street: The residents of the elegant Moray Place in Edinburgh's Georgian New Town
tvBBC's The Secret History of Our Streets reveals a fascinating window into Britain's past
Albus Dumbledore, the headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has been the teaching profession's favourite teacher
Luis Suarez looks towards the crowd during the 2-1 victory over England
Life and Style
Cheesecake frozen yoghurt by Constance and Mathilde Lorenzi
food + drinkThink outside the cool box for this summer’s frozen treats
John Barrowman kisses his male “bride” at a mock Gretna Green during the Commonwealth Games opening ceremony
peopleBarrowman's opening ceremony message to Commonwealth countries where he would be sent to prison for being gay
Sir Bradley Wiggins removes his silver medal after the podium ceremony for the men’s 4,000m team pursuit in Glasgow yesterday
Commonwealth games Disappointment for Sir Bradley in team pursuit final as England are forced to settle for silver
Alistair Brownlee (right) celebrates with his gold medal after winning the men’s triathlon alongside brother Jonny (left), who got silver
England's Jodie Stimpson won the women’s triathlon in the morning
Travel Shop
the manor
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on city breaks Find out more
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on chic beach resorts Find out more
sardina foodie
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on country retreats Find out more
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    SQL Report Analyst (SSRS, CA, SQL 2012)

    £30000 - £38500 Per Annum + 25 days holiday, pension, subsidised restaurant: C...

    Application Support Analyst (SQL, Incident Management, SLAs)

    £34000 - £37000 Per Annum + excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Lt...

    Embedded Software / Firmware Engineer

    £40000 - £45000 per annum + Pension, Holiday, Flexi-time: Progressive Recruitm...

    Developer - WinForms, C#

    £280 - £320 per day: Progressive Recruitment: C#, WinForms, Desktop Developmen...

    Day In a Page

    Backhanders, bribery and abuses of power have soared in China as economy surges

    Bribery and abuses of power soar in China

    The bribery is fuelled by the surge in China's economy but the rules of corruption are subtle and unspoken, finds Evan Osnos, as he learns the dark arts from a master
    Commonwealth Games 2014: Highland terriers stole the show at the opening ceremony

    Highland terriers steal the show at opening ceremony

    Gillian Orr explores why a dog loved by film stars and presidents is finally having its day
    German art world rocked as artists use renowned fat sculpture to distil schnapps

    Brewing the fat from artwork angers widow of sculptor

    Part of Joseph Beuys' 1982 sculpture 'Fettecke' used to distil schnapps
    BBC's The Secret History of Our Streets reveals a fascinating window into Britain's past

    BBC takes viewers back down memory lane

    The Secret History of Our Streets, which returns with three films looking at Scottish streets, is the inverse of Benefits Street - delivering warmth instead of cynicism
    Joe, film review: Nicolas Cage delivers an astonishing performance in low budget drama

    Nicolas Cage shines in low-budget drama Joe

    Cage plays an ex-con in David Gordon Green's independent drama, which has been adapted from a novel by Larry Brown
    How to make your own gourmet ice lollies, granitas, slushy cocktails and frozen yoghurt

    Make your own ice lollies and frozen yoghurt

    Think outside the cool box for this summer's tempting frozen treats
    Ford Fiesta is UK's most popular car of all-time, with sales topping 4.1 million since 1976

    Fiesta is UK's most popular car of all-time

    Sales have topped 4.1 million since 1976. To celebrate this milestone, four Independent writers recall their Fiestas with pride
    10 best reed diffusers

    Heaven scent: 10 best reed diffusers

    Keep your rooms smelling summery and fresh with one of these subtle but distinctive home fragrances that’ll last you months
    Commonwealth Games 2014: Female boxers set to compete for first time

    Female boxers set to compete at Commonwealth Games for first time

    There’s no favourites and with no headguards anything could happen
    Five things we’ve learned so far about Manchester United under Louis van Gaal

    Five things we’ve learned so far about United under Van Gaal

    It’s impossible to avoid the impression that the Dutch manager is playing to the gallery a little
    Screwing your way to the top? Good for Lana Del Rey for helping kill that myth

    Screwing your way to the top?

    Good for Lana Del Rey for helping kill that myth, says Grace Dent
    Will the young Britons fighting in Syria be allowed to return home and resume their lives?

    Will Britons fighting in Syria be able to resume their lives?

    Tony Blair's Terrorism Act 2006 has made it an offence to take part in military action abroad with a "political, ideological, religious or racial motive"
    Beyoncé poses as Rosie the Riveter, the wartime poster girl who became a feminist pin-up

    Beyoncé poses as Rosie the Riveter

    The wartime poster girl became the ultimate American symbol of female empowerment
    The quest to find the perfect pair of earphones: Are custom, 3D printed earbuds the solution?

    The quest to find the perfect pair of earphones

    Earphones don't fit properly, offer mediocre audio quality and can even be painful. So the quest to design the perfect pair is music to Seth Stevenson's ears
    US Army's shooting star: Lt-Col Steven Cole is the man Hollywood calls when it wants to borrow a tank or check a military uniform

    Meet the US Army's shooting star

    Lt-Col Steven Cole is the man Hollywood calls when it wants to borrow a tank or check a military uniform