Diary of Emma d May: The joy of giving up giving up

Sunday 12.01am: Am celebrating giving up giving up smoking at speed-garage warehouse party thrown by Vikram's cousin's girlfriend's best friend. Only gave up because of January peer pressure anyway, and everyone always says giving into peer pressure is bad thing. Don't feel so terrible about failing to kick the weed as Dr Vikram Medical Student informs me it's what's known as "Week III" in giving-up circles - ie, it's three weeks since the New Year and therefore everyone who had excellent Jan 1 intentions has fallen off the wagon, deserted the gym and is back on the booze, fags, and milk chocolate Hobnobs. Who am I to resist national trend? Would be like having a dry-eye on Diana tragedy day, or failing to emit warm Ready-brek glow on day after Labour victory etc. In New Britain, is clearly important to be in tune with those around you and behave/express emotion accordingly. Life has actually become rather simple: Diana Was Angel; The Nanny is Innocent; Meat On The Bone Is Bad and Single Mothers Will Actually Be Better Off Under The New Deal.

12.10am: Anna walks into party emitting sort of "Come and get me" vibe usually given off by likes of Marilyn Monroe, Leonardo di Caprio, Robin Cook etc. Reflect that at least can still be relatively normal person having broken January resolution. Anna, on other hand, looks set for dramatic return to vices she has been missing out on for three entire weeks. But then, until tonight, Anna had given up sex, drugs and alternative stand- up comedy, which, apparently, is new rock 'n' roll.

12.30am: So happy to be smoking again that almost don't need any other substances to enjoy night out (ho-ho). Wonder if dealer lurking by the gents is secret Tory party donor. Vikram shakes his head. "He's not into smack," he says.

1.30am: Anna giving new meaning to chemical generation catchphrase "loved up". Concerned she might start taking kit off at any minute or trying to hump furniture like next-door neighbour's sex-crazed labrador. Try to dissuade her from dancing provocatively with the speaker. Last Monday she messed up some poor guy's divorce case for him because was so speaker- deafened couldn't hear a word in court. "All the best barristers are deaf," says Anna, cheerfully, while admitting said deafness is usually down to age and not club-induced tinnitus. Dylan says he has plan to find Anna a shag. Tell him whatever it is, definitely not to do it.

1.50am: Another yummy cigarette. Chill-out room full of New Year Resolution Failures. At least came clean about mine rather than carrying on usual January web of lies to loved ones. From here can see one girl smoking army-style with hidden fag-end so boyfriend can't see and another girl surreptiously dabbing speed out of front trouser-pocket and then declining narcotics offered by mates with martyrish shake-of-head. Dylan and new- found love Lady Camilla arguing about the fact that he's meant to have cut out the skunkweed to remotivate himself, cope with daily life, get off the sofa at least once a day, etc. What she doesn't realise is that given the choice between skunk and sex, Dylan will eventually plump for the skunk.

3.45am: Have to keep sitting down as batch of pills a bit wobbly. From vantage point of floor spot line of blokes who appear to be queuing up in front of Anna who still looks like she's trying to pull one of the speakers. "Plan's working," says Dylan, smirking, and skips away. Ask smug-looking suit what he's queuing for. He mumbles something about notice by the bar. Where is Dylan?

4am: Spot aforementioned notice in D's unmistakable scrawl: "Any bloke who needs a shag, see girl in red top by speaker to left of sound system." Shit. Can't decide whether to kill Dylan or rescue Anna first.

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebooksA superb mix of recipes serving up the freshest of local produce in a delicious range of styles
Life and Style
ebooksFrom the lifespan of a slug to the distance to the Sun: answers to 500 questions from readers
Life and Style

Board creates magnetic field to achieve lift

There have been various incidents of social media users inadvertently flouting the law

Life and Style
Stack ‘em high?: quantity doesn’t always trump quality, as Friends of the Earth can testify
techThe proliferation of online petitions allows us to register our protests at the touch of a button. But do they change anything?
Bourgogne wine maker Laboure-Roi vice president Thibault Garin (L) offers the company's 2013 Beaujolais Nouveau wine to the guest in the wine spa at the Hakone Yunessun spa resort facilities in Hakone town, Kanagawa prefecture, some 100-kilometre west of Tokyo
CSKA Moscow celebrate after equalising with a late penalty
footballCSKA Moscow 2 Manchester City 2: Premier League champions let two goal lead slip in Russia
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    IT Technician - 1st Line

    £19000 - £21000 Per Annum: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: ***EXCELLENT OPPOR...

    Special Needs Teaching Assistant

    £50 - £65 per day: Randstad Education Bristol: Special Educational Needs Teach...

    Trainee Recruitment Consultant Birmingham

    £18000 - £23000 per annum + Comission: SThree: The SThree group is a world lea...

    Year 3 Teacher

    £100 - £130 per day: Randstad Education Chelmsford: KS2 TeacherWould you like ...

    Day In a Page

    Indiana serial killer? Man arrested for murdering teenage prostitute confesses to six other murders - and police fear there could be many more

    A new American serial killer?

    Police fear man arrested for murder of teen prostitute could be responsible for killing spree dating back 20 years
    Sweetie, the fake 10-year-old girl designed to catch online predators, claims her first scalp

    Sting to trap paedophiles may not carry weight in UK courts

    Computer image of ‘Sweetie’ represented entrapment, experts say
    Fukushima nuclear crisis: Evacuees still stuck in cramped emergency housing three years on - and may never return home

    Return to Fukushima – a land they will never call home again

    Evacuees still stuck in cramped emergency housing three years on from nuclear disaster
    Wildlife Photographer of the Year: Intimate image of resting lions claims top prize

    Wildlife Photographer of the Year

    Intimate image of resting lions claims top prize
    Online petitions: Sign here to change the world

    Want to change the world? Just sign here

    The proliferation of online petitions allows us to register our protests at the touch of a button. But do they change anything?
    Ed Sheeran hits back after being labelled too boring to headline festivals

    'You need me, I don’t need you'

    Ed Sheeran hits back after being labelled too boring to headline festivals
    How to Get Away with Murder: Shonda Rhimes reinvents the legal drama

    How to Get Away with Murder

    Shonda Rhimes reinvents the legal drama
    A cup of tea is every worker's right

    Hard to swallow

    Three hospitals in Leicester have banned their staff from drinking tea and coffee in public areas. Christopher Hirst explains why he thinks that a cuppa is every worker's right
    Which animals are nearly extinct?

    Which animals are nearly extinct?

    Conservationists in Kenya are in mourning after the death of a white northern rhino, which has left the species with a single male. These are the other species on the brink
    12 best children's shoes

    Perfect for leaf-kicking: 12 best children's shoes

    Find footwear perfect to keep kids' feet protected this autumn
    Anderlecht vs Arsenal: Gunners' ray of light Aaron Ramsey shines again

    Arsenal’s ray of light ready to shine again

    Aaron Ramsey’s injury record has prompted a club investigation. For now, the midfielder is just happy to be fit to face Anderlecht in the Champions League
    Comment: David Moyes' show of sensitivity thrown back in his face by former Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson

    Moyes’ show of sensitivity thrown back in his face... by Ferguson

    Manchester United legend tramples on successor who resisted criticising his inheritance
    Two super-sized ships have cruised into British waters, but how big can these behemoths get?

    Super-sized ships: How big can they get?

    Two of the largest vessels in the world cruised into UK waters last week
    British doctors on brink of 'cure' for paralysis with spinal cord treatment

    British doctors on brink of cure for paralysis

    Sufferers can now be offered the possibility of cure thanks to a revolutionary implant of regenerative cells
    Ranked seventh in world’s best tourist cities - not London, or Edinburgh, but Salisbury

    Lonely Planet’s Best in Travel 2015

    UK city beats Vienna, Paris and New York to be ranked seventh in world’s best tourist destinations - but it's not London