Dilemmas

Caught between cultures

Since university, Rajiv has been secretly living with a white girl whom he wants to marry. His Hindu parents want to introduce him to a future bride. Rajiv fears that if he tells them of his situation, they will disown him or prevent his sister from going to university - or that they'll be disowned themselves by other family members. How can he resolve the situation without upsetting anyone?

What a gloomy old thing Rajiv is. I can understand his anxieties, but without wanting to sound too Pollyanna-ish, why does he expect the worst? Perhaps because his goal is so hopeless - wanting to resolve the situation "without upsetting anyone", which is clearly impossible. Causing the least upset is the best that can be hoped for.

Rajiv is, however, letting himself be led by his anxiety rather than anticipating a positive outcome. Does he expect his family will say that actually they quite understand and have been suspecting as much for ages? No. Does he expect they will be upset temporarily and then relent? No. Does he expect that far from his parents being disowned if they accept the situation, the other members of the family might be more liberal than he thinks? No, he expects the worst, and if he goes into the situation expecting the answer no, he is more than likely to get it.

Rajiv also takes the whole world on his shoulders when he should be concentrating on his own situation. No wonder everything looks tragic if he's imagining that his action will cause such gigantic ripples. In his mind, his confession will result in his sister being kept chained up until she's shipped back to India to marry a stranger, he will never see his parents again, and they will live like pariahs themselves.

It could perhaps be more useful for Rajiv if he looked at his problem not as the ghastly product of two conflicting cultural ideas, but in terms of fear versus courage. By not standing up for the truth of his situation he would be setting his younger sister a bad example. By not admitting to his parents the truth of what's going on, he's be depriving them of facing up to the result of their own actions, bringing up a child in a culture very different from their own. For this is a situation as much of his parent's making as of Rajiv's. By not telling his parents the plain truth he is betraying not only his girlfriend but also himself. The fact that Rajiv has a duty to the woman he loves seems to have receded in the face of his anxiety about his parents' reaction.

This isn't to say that he has to burst into his parents' living room and tell them the news straight out. He could let them in on the truth gently, perhaps admitting he has met an English girl who he likes very much and then say no more for a while. A couple of months later he could confess he's in love with her, and leave it there for a while, and so on. This would be kinder than dropping a bombshell on them.

But to gain his own, and his parents', respect he has to prove that he is a brave man, with the courage of his own convictions and the kindness to break these to his parents gently. If his parents are upset, that is not really his problem. It is they who are responsible for their own reactions, not him. If his sister's life is curtailed after he reveals the truth, then again, she has her own angels watching over her and she will have to deal with the consequences in her own way. No one should live a life built on other people's sacrifices, and it could be that Rajiv's concern for his other family members is actually a veil for his own fear, fear that he has to conquer if he is to have any self-respect himself.

My parents don't know my partner exists

I can empathise with you so much. I am a 30-year-old Asian woman; I left home five years ago to escape an "arranged marriage" and became independent. Since then I have achieved my personal and professional aims: a doctorate and a wonderful (white) partner. However, my parents are still trying to "force" me to have an arranged marriage, they do not know my partner exists and fail to recognise the importance (for me) of achieving my doctorate; to them I should be married, with children. Your parents will probably never change; because you are male, however, they will probably learn to live with your decision.

However, that does not mean it will not hurt you (or your parents). If you have the guts, go for it and tell them. I wish I could, but as a woman I feel my actions will ostracise me further from my extended family. You are not alone. It is very difficult to balance the culture of your parents with the one you have been used to. I have learnt to take the bits that suit me and reject others. Maybe one day I'll tell my parents "the truth", although deep down they probably know anyway.

EN

Leicester

I'm in a secret mixed marriage

"Mixed" marriages/relationships are often problematic - the main problem being the families. None of us can choose our families, we can (if we dare) choose our partner and live with the consequences. Is it feasible for Rajiv to live a double life for a few years until his younger sister is immune from any possible backlash before informing his parents? It may be a partial solution but sooner or later it could be healthier to be open, honest and proud to be with the one you love. I have been in a "mixed" marriage for two years - as yet the families on both sides are unaware of it. But I would not be influenced by the family reaction.

L Kelly

London N16

Be honest, tell your parents

Is Rajiv looking at his parents as two-dimensional stereotypes? Surely they would feel happier if they knew that their son was in a happy relationship and that his communications with them were honest? At present his life must be full of little white lies.

In answer to his question, he cannot resolve the situation without upsetting anybody. However, he risks upsetting his girlfriend who might start to feel that he feels guilty, or that she is unworthy, by his reluctance to notify his parents of his prime relationship.

His fears are valid - someone may be upset. But will they be upset by his disclosure or by his previous seeming lack of integrity?

Janusz Tyszkiewicz

Berkamsted

I did tell, and it paid off ...

Rajiv's story and mine could not be more similar. Unlike Rajiv, however, I did not consider too deeply the repercussions before telling my parents that I was in a serious relationship with a white English girl.

My parents accepted my ex-partner, albeit reluctantly at first, as a daughter-in-law to be. Like my parents, Rajiv's could well put their son's feelings before their own and not disown him. As for other members of the clan disowning them, that would indicate that they, themselves, are not worth knowing.

But my own relationship ended over three years ago and I have since had an "introduced" marriage. Why? Because all such marriages in my close family have been successful. Mine, I am happy to say, is no exception.

ST

Rugby

Lies are the best way to upset everyone

I have been in exactly the same situation as the woman. I feel for her.

After two years, I was not mentioned to the family of an Asian man and it was one of the reasons I couldn't take it any more.

Lies are no solution. It degrades the woman and it disrespects the family. This is a sure way to upset everybody.

M

Bristol

NEXT WEEK'S PROBLEM: SHOULD WE LEAVE OUR DAUGHTER BEHIND?

Dear Virginia,

Next month my family is moving to Australia and we are all looking forward to it. My husband has moved there ahead and got a house.

There is a hitch, however.

My 11-year-old daughter is obsessed with acting and joined a junior amateur group at school. To their amazement they have got the chance of singing and dancing at a major public competition and the best group will be given the chance of appearing in a London show. The competition, however, takes place a fortnight after we leave.

I think she ought to stay behind to do it and join us later, but my husband's furious and says it's quite ridiculous, because if she wins she'll only want to stay on. What do you think?

Yours sincerely, Tabbie

All comments are welcome. Everyone who has a suggestion quoted will be sent a Dynagrip 50 ballpen from Paper:Mate. Please send relevant personal experiences or comments to me at the Features department, the 'Independent', I Canary Wharf, London, E14 5DL (fax 0171-293-2182) by Tuesday morning. If you have any dilemmas of your own you would like to share, let me know.