Dilemmas: The 20 pounds question: what would you do?: Life's everyday dilemmas can loom large. In a new weekly series, Virginia Ironside invites you to share such problems - and to suggest solutions

EVERY DAY we are confronted with small problems - or, rather, with problems that may seem small in terms of the world but which loom large in our lives. Bosnia may fill us with gloom over the breakfast table, but what keep us awake at night are tricky situations such as whether to accept an invitation to be godmother from an old family friend of whom one is not terribly fond.

Today is the start of a new weekly column, asking readers for the benefit of their wisdom on such matters. To get the ball rolling, I have trawled my friends' experiences for advice on how to deal with an awkward situation concerning some money that has disappeared from the house.

Next week it's over to you and I've outlined a second dilemma on the right. (As if you haven't got enough problems already . . . .)

A WEEK before your niece's birthday, you placed a pounds 20 note inside an envelope and put it to one side on a small table in the sitting room. When you went to get it a few days later it had disappeared. The only person who would have come across it, as far as you know, was Jan, the woman who has been coming in to clean for a couple of hours a week for the past five years.

What would you do? Before you leap up and down and say 'I wish I could afford a cleaning lady', bear in mind that you could be faced with a similar dilemma in different situations. It is about how to confront someone whom you like and trust. And you trust Jan implicitly.

Yet there is no denying that your money has disappeared. If you so much as mention the fact that it has vanished, you introduce an element of suspicion into a relationship that has previously been open and friendly.

The coward has two choices. One is to do nothing, but to remain forever on guard. But doing nothing is the great moral cop-out. You would be harbouring suspicion where there might be no cause. You would also never really feel at ease when Jan was in your house.

Coward's solution No 2 is to sack Jan without explanation. This was the advice of a neighbour. 'Honest cleaners are two a penny in a recession,' she said. 'It's quite obvious that she stole the money. Jan should be sacked.'

I don't believe anyone should be sacked on suspicion alone, without explanation, but a local teacher's reaction was equally unhelpful. 'Can't people do their own cleaning?' he asked. 'And anyway, if you leave money around these days, you have only yourself to blame.' But that smacks to me of the 'if you're unloading the car and leave the boot open for a second, you're asking for it' line. It doesn't wash.

The owner of a local bookshop who has often suspected assistants of dipping their hands in the till suggested setting a trap for Jan. 'The only problem is that leaving a fiver lying around can look a bit obvious.' And if she doesn't bite, it would be pretty clear, were you to go on to confront her, what you had been up to. If the trap doesn't work, the case is closed.

Another colleague disagreed completely. 'The last thing to do is set a trap,' she said. 'First, you should check all the other possibilities. Remember that keys can be copied. Does she have any dodgy relations with access to the keys in her purse? Or could she have let someone else in, perhaps to read the meter, while everyone else was out?'

Another friend spoke from personal experience. 'I'd tell Jan that pounds 20 had disappeared and that the theft was to be reported to the police,' she said. 'Say that although you know there is no way it could possibly be her, the police would want the names and addresses of everyone who had a key to the flat or who had come round during that day. If she's innocent, she won't mind. If she's guilty, this tactic is almost certain to stop her pinching anything again.

'Obviously the theft is never actually reported to the police. But in my experience this approach has resulted in immediate confessions. One cleaning lady took me immediately to the shop where she'd pawned a ring, and the other went home and returned, shamefaced, with about 10 silver knives and forks she'd pinched because she hadn't been able to afford any cutlery herself. They were a bit Brillo-padded, but otherwise intact.'

So what is the right answer? On the whole, I think straight-talking is best, although it is difficult to tell someone you like and trust that you suspect them of being a thief. You could simply be blunt, but it would be better to say: 'Did you see an envelope with 20 quid in it on that little table the other day? I can't find it anywhere.'

She can say no, but if she's guilty, she'll know you've rumbled her, and that would be a strong deterrent.

Even more subtly, you could say: 'Did you think the pounds 20 I left on the side table was for you? I wondered if you'd picked it up because I know it's your birthday some time now.'

The fact that it's June and her birthday is in December is beside the point. It would give her a decent way of admitting to having taken it without any recrimination. You have let her off the hook this time with the minimum of embarrassment, but it's unlikely it would ever happen again.

An offer Angus can't refuse?

Angus has been married for five years and has two small children he adores. For the past year his wife, Sandra, has been loving and affectionate, but has refused to have sexual relations. She says she just can't face it any more, she's tired, she's not interested. Despite his pleading, she refuses to go for any kind of counselling. Trish, a beautiful colleague, has made it clear she fancies Angus enormously. He is very attracted to her but feels guilty, and does his best to avoid her. Now work is about to send them away together, and Trish has intimated she would welcome a no-strings affair. What should he do?

Does this situation strike a chord in you, or do you have strong views on what is the right course of action for Angus? Send your comments and suggestions to: Virginia Ironside, Features Department, The Independent, 40 City Road, London EC1Y 2DB; fax 071-956 1739, by Tuesday morning. She will report and evaluate your reactions next Thursday, and present another dilemma for you to solve.