Don't advertise your loneliness: A single mother recalls her experiences after placing the sort of personal ad that attracts unhappy people

Conscientious, cheerful lady, 35 (daughter eight, son six, all healthy), seeks residential position UK/abroad. Housekeeping, caretaking, gardening, secretarial, child care. Driver/swimmer/non-smoker.

AN AD like this can change your life, whether you are placing it or responding to it. It is meant to. Ask any one of the other domestic desperadoes who lay themselves on the line in the small ads of the Lady every week.

A few years back I was one of these walking wounded looking for care in the community. After losing my marrige, home and job within a few weeks, followed by a year of trying to juggle a part-time job with parenting, I was on my knees financially and emotionally.

The patient, the cautious will use a box number for their ad; the brave, the foolhardy give their phone number. People who can't or don't write letters, home in on the phone numbers. So do the weird and the wacky. I had 14 callers, of which seven were capable of a normal conversation. There were a lot of promises involving ponies, swimming pools and foreign holidays, but few clear offers of cash. One offered to send his chauffeur to collect me. Independence - mine, that is - was not part of any of the deals.

One man wanted a surrogate family to replace the one that had left home. Another, running a bed-and-breakfast in Cardiff, said he would 'be good to my children', in a tone that made me wonder how he treated his own. The rest were into dress sizes, terminal self-pity and heavy breathing.

One 'headmaster' had my hopes up until the conversation turned to his corporal punishment of boys and how did I feel about watching him? A transvestite in Marbella came across as almost cosy by comparison. One chap blew his cover immediately by stating, 'That's a very sexy voice . . .', which was a pity because so was his. I am ashamed to say the ones who confessed to being lonely never got past first base.

I also had calls from three other single mothers, seeking advice on ads. A phone number, I said, would bring them straight to the nub of the matter, but keep a stiff drink handy and take the phone off the hook when you go to bed. 'I want to look after a big family,' said one girl. 'It's what I need, it's what I'm best at.' I gave her the name of a single-father hotelier going spare in Spain.

Of the 14 respondents, I only met two. Tim sent us the train fare to visit him and his 14-year-old daughter in North Wales. He was friendly and scatty; his daughter, friendly, intelligent, bored and in danger of going off the rails. I liked them both, but did not relish the idea of being stuck on top of a mountain while he went to work on a Scottish oil rig. The last I heard, his wife had taken their daughter back to the city.

For some reason I had several responses from south Devon, which is where my children and I ended up. Richard was persistent, polite, chatty and tedious. He rang every evening for weeks, until I agreed to take the children to his home on the coast for a trial holiday. He was charm personified, nothing was too much trouble, and he was kind to my children. By this time, I was on my fourth after-school child-minder and the summer holidays stretched before me like quicksand. A month later he drove 300 miles with a hired van and carried us off to his comfortable lair.

Within the first week it became clear that what he really wanted was what most of my male respondents really wanted. No, not sex - though that would probably have been the icing on the cake - but a catch-all female prepared to fill the big practical, and even bigger emotional, void in his life. Lovely if she did the cooking and cleaning, but even better if she acted like the wife/mother he had lost, never had, could not keep; if she took him seriously, did not contradict, did not force him to cope.

When he became jealous of my children's bedtime stories and begrudged me evenings out without him, I knew I had to leave, even though bringing up the children by the sea was offsetting some of my crippling guilt at not being a 'normal' (ie, two-parent) family. In retrospect, this guilt seems daft.

Some time later, at a children's party, I spotted Simon through a haze of party poppers, and bells rang. That they were alarm bells I didn't realise then; I was too busy congratulating myself. Simon was newly widowed with two young, adorable daughters and was desperate for help. We were both in need.

The next week, my children and I moved in. It was Christmas, the children were in bouyant mood, his friends came to support him and suss me, and we all got merry together. I was knee-knockingly in love, and he responded.

Then, on New Year's Eve, he told me he would soon start bringing his girlfriend to the house - the girlfriend he had neglected to tell me about. For the next six months, until I could sell up back home and buy a place locally, I slept with earplugs, cried into the soup, yearned over the ironing.

His silent fury at his wife for dying and leaving him with small children knew no bounds. His resulting dependence - and on women at that - was insupportable for a man who believed himself to be in control of every sphere of his life. Like an injured animal, he was out for revenge on anyone who got in his way - in this case me and Flossie. (It helped, somehow, to give her a silly name. But looking back, I realise I was the lucky one; after all, I got out.)

I bought a Victorian mausoleum and filled it with other desperadoes, courtesy of the DSS. Things got worse before they got better. But get better they did. I have lived on my own for some years now. My children are about to fledge. I am in a loving relationship, though we do not yet live together. He has had problems, too. Independence that costs nothing is like gold on a slagheap.

I would not want anyone to make the same mistakes I did. What I learnt was how much pain there is out there, most of it hidden but on tap. That no one can cause pain like the pained. That we all have a hidden agenda, quite often hidden from ourselves. And that if you reach out your hand for help, the person most likely to take it is someone else in need.

All names have been changed.

Sport
The giant banner displayed by Legia Warsaw supporters last night
football
News
i100(and it's got nothing to do with the Great British Bake Off)
News
news
Sport
footballPremiership preview: All the talking points ahead of this weekend's matches
PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebooksA superb mix of recipes serving up the freshest of local produce in a delicious range of styles
Life and Style
ebooksFrom the lifespan of a slug to the distance to the Sun: answers to 500 questions from readers
News
Angelina Jolie with her father Jon Voight
people
Arts and Entertainment
Tulisa as a judge on the X Factor in 2012
tvLouis Walsh confirms star's return
Life and Style
fashionClothes shop opens on Bill Clinton Boulevard in Pristina
Voices
The Ukip leader has consistently refused to be drawn on where he would mount an attempt to secure a parliamentary seat
voicesNigel Farage: Those who predicted we would lose momentum heading into the 2015 election are going to have to think again
Arts and Entertainment
Cara Delevingne made her acting debut in Anna Karenina in 2012
film Cara Delevingne 'in talks' to star in Zoolander sequel
News
i100
Life and Style
life
News
Melissa and Joan Rivers together at an NBC event in May 2014
peopleDaughter Melissa thanks fans for 'outpouring of support'
Life and Style
tech
Independent
Travel Shop
the manor
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on city breaks Find out more
santorini
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on chic beach resorts Find out more
sardina foodie
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on country retreats Find out more
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    SAS Developer - DI Studio - Banking

    £450 - £500 per day: Orgtel: SAS Developer, Chester, Banking, DI Studio, £450-...

    Recruitment Consultants - Banking & Finance

    £20000 - £30000 per annum + OTE £40 - £50K first year: SThree: SThree Group an...

    Trainee Recruitment Consultant

    £18000 - £30000 per annum + uncapped: SThree: Do you feel you sales role is li...

    Nursery Room Leader

    Negotiable: Randstad Education Plymouth: JOB DESCRIPTION - NURSERY ROOM LEADER...

    Day In a Page

    Ukraine crisis: The phoney war is over as Russian troops and armour pour across the border

    The phoney war is over

    Russian troops and armour pour into Ukraine
    Potatoes could be off the menu as crop pests threaten UK

    Potatoes could be off the menu as crop pests threaten UK

    The world’s entire food system is under attack - and Britain is most at risk, according to a new study
    Gangnam smile: why the Chinese are flocking to South Korea to buy a new face

    Gangnam smile: why the Chinese are flocking to South Korea to buy a new face

    Seoul's plastic surgery industry is booming thanks to the popularity of the K-Pop look
    From Mozart to Orson Welles: Creative geniuses who peaked too soon

    Creative geniuses who peaked too soon

    After the death of Sandy Wilson, 90, who wrote his only hit musical in his twenties, John Walsh wonders what it's like to peak too soon and go on to live a life more ordinary
    Caught in the crossfire of a cyber Cold War

    Caught in the crossfire of a cyber Cold War

    Fears are mounting that Vladimir Putin has instructed hackers to target banks like JP Morgan
    Salomé's feminine wiles have inspired writers, painters and musicians for 2,000 years

    Salomé: A head for seduction

    Salomé's feminine wiles have inspired writers, painters and musicians for 2,000 years. Now audiences can meet the Biblical femme fatale in two new stage and screen projects
    From Bram Stoker to Stanley Kubrick, the British Library's latest exhibition celebrates all things Gothic

    British Library celebrates all things Gothic

    Forthcoming exhibition Terror and Wonder: The Gothic Imagination will be the UK's largest ever celebration of Gothic literature
    The Hard Rock Café's owners are embroiled in a bitter legal dispute - but is the restaurant chain worth fighting for?

    Is the Hard Rock Café worth fighting for?

    The restaurant chain's owners are currently embroiled in a bitter legal dispute
    Caribbean cuisine is becoming increasingly popular in the UK ... and there's more to it than jerk chicken at carnival

    In search of Caribbean soul food

    Caribbean cuisine is becoming increasingly popular in the UK ... and there's more to it than jerk chicken at carnival
    11 best face powders

    11 best face powders

    Sweep away shiny skin with our pick of the best pressed and loose powder bases
    England vs Norway: Roy Hodgson's hands tied by exploding top flight

    Roy Hodgson's hands tied by exploding top flight

    Lack of Englishmen at leading Premier League clubs leaves manager hamstrung
    Angel Di Maria and Cristiano Ronaldo: A tale of two Manchester United No 7s

    Di Maria and Ronaldo: A tale of two Manchester United No 7s

    They both inherited the iconic shirt at Old Trafford, but the £59.7m new boy is joining a club in a very different state
    Israel-Gaza conflict: No victory for Israel despite weeks of death and devastation

    Robert Fisk: No victory for Israel despite weeks of devastation

    Palestinians have won: they are still in Gaza, and Hamas is still there
    Mary Beard writes character reference for Twitter troll who called her a 'slut'

    Unlikely friends: Mary Beard and the troll who called her a ‘filthy old slut’

    The Cambridge University classicist even wrote the student a character reference
    America’s new apartheid: Prosperous white districts are choosing to break away from black cities and go it alone

    America’s new apartheid

    Prosperous white districts are choosing to break away from black cities and go it alone