Don't let childhood sex abuse ruin your life

An anonymous woman is worried that despite the fact that when she was 14 her brother often came into her room and had sex with her, and that her uncle was a dirty old man who tickled her in unpleasant places, she has a wonderful marriage, sex life and children. Will these past events come back to haunt her later?

IT'S COMMONLY assumed that anyone who has been groped or flashed at in childhood has been abused and that suddenly, in later life, they'll be haunted by dark dreams, overwhelming depression and a feeling of disgust and low self-worth. This will continue until they face the original trauma, re-experience the feeling of powerlessness and resultant anger, when they can then start to rebuild their lives. The view has become so strong that now people like the anonymous woman who wrote to me can actually become anxious if she doesn't feel deep shame, guilt and horror at what has happened. Is she repressed? Worse, is she living in (ghastly word) denial? Or is she simply insensitive to life's horrors, nothing more than a cold fish? Or perhaps she is an exceptional woman, a woman of a hugely strong character who has somehow managed to deal with a dreadful event, whatever "dealing with it" might mean.

My feeling is that she is none of these things. She is just an ordinary woman with as much resilience as most of us, who has, again like most of us, been through a few mildly unpleasant experiences in her teens, and thought nothing more about them.

Child sexual abuse, if it is violent or penetrative or non-consensual, can sometimes have frightful effects in later life. Not always, but often. But most children are exposed to a variety of fiddling and groping by men as they grow up, and think no more of it than a slight wave of fear and revulsion.

I was hugged and kissed by a horrible old Evening Standard salesman when I was about eight. My father threatened to throw a bucket of water over him. The fact that my father never actually even had words with the man was far more upsetting to me than the unpleasant grab in itself. Creepy men used to follow me when I walked back from school and one friend of my parents used to take me out to tea and under the table at Fortnum & Mason would guide my hand up his thigh and on to his crotch. I never said anything and although I used to rather dread this part of the tea I used to enjoy his talk and the cakes enough to be willing to go along with it for a few months at least. I certainly can't feel that, compared to all the other ghastly incidents that we all have in our lives, these were more than mere annoying blips.

If I were the woman who wrote to me I would put my worries aside completely. Her brother felt sexy; she didn't mind going along with it; he never threatened her or told her it was their little secret, there is no more nor less to this incident than that.

If this is the sum total of all the horrific and traumatising events she suffered in her childhood, she should feel grateful that she had a happier childhood than most people did, who can generally drag up at least one hair-raising, but non-sexual, event in their past.

She's lucky, she's happy, and she's utterly, utterly normal.

what readers say

Gropers and flashers were childhood occurrences that didn't upset me unduly then or now. I feel embarrassed when I think what went on with my older brothers (although we stopped short of intercourse) but I put it to the back of my mind and can face them very politely when we meet.

I don't think this will catch up with you or me - we are lucky enough to be resilient, to have a busy, happy family life and to have been able to grow up from it without melodramatic interventions. - Anon

From what you tell us (and we do not have enough details to be certain), although you and your brother broke society's rules, it seems that what he did was loving and tender and it does not sound as if it was either exploitative or degrading.

I read your letter and was, frankly, profoundly envious. When I was a teenager my brother never even touched me. Instead he exuded self-righteous, evangelical piety, and having failed to convert me to his religion, shunned my company.

I felt dreadfully abandoned and let down, all the more so because my father was hopelessly neglectful and unaffectionate. He was also very adept at using my desperate, embarrassed desire for love to get me to do all manner of things that no father should ever ask of his daughter, although sex was not one of them. I dealt with my misery through anorexia and then bulimia, which dominated my life from the ages of 14 to 28. I was so hungry for love and affection that I let men abuse me, not daring to hope for anything better.

The proof of the pudding is surely in the eating. You are apparently a fully functioning, happy adult. At 35 I have a history of unhappy relationships, no marriage, no children, and am only just beginning to make something of my abilities at work. To the tabloids you would be "a victim of abuse" and I would have had "the slimmer's disease". This simplistic labelling is not only patronising, it is inaccurate and misleading.

- Anon

The hardest thing you have to face is that what happened to you was wrong, not of you, but of those who exploited you and who led your brother to do so. You have taken the biggest step, in recognising that what happened in your family is not acceptable. It has harmed you, even if only by making you think that it was okay. Now you need to see that this kind of behaviour repeats itself, from generation to generation.

Your brother is now your children's uncle. Can you protect them from a repeat of your own uncle's behaviour to you? Perhaps your brother has realised that what went on at home was actually abusive, and worries, as you do. If so, he could be your ally. If not, he is a danger to your children. They may never forgive you, if you fail them. - Sara Clarke

next week's dilemma

Dear Virginia, My mother of fifty three has been diagnosed as having cancer. I have talked to the doctor privately and he says she only has between three months and eighteen months to live, but he thinks it is best not to tell her this as he feels she will lose the will to fight. Has anyone else been in this situation? I feel my mother should be told the truth, even though she is not a very strong character and has a tendency to depression. I hate to feel I am deceiving her. - Nina

Letters are welcome, and everyone who has a suggestion quoted will be sent a bouquet from Interflora. Send comments and suggestions to Virginia Ironside at the Features Department, The Independent, 1 Canada Square, Canary Wharf, London E14 5DL (fax: 0171-293 2182), by Tuesday morning. If you have a dilemma of your own that you would like to share, please let me know.