Dukegate: what Prince Philip said to the mystery woman

ANOTHER GREAT INDEPENDENT ROYAL EXCLUSIVE!

Duke: Read the papers this morning? Mystery Woman (with plummy voice): Yah?

Duke: All over the bloody Sun we are. Some God-forsaken anorak with a portable satellite dish intercepted one of our calls, recorded it, set up a meet with the reptiles on a clifftop just down the road from Sandringham and tried to flog them a tape for pounds 50,000.

MW: Did they bite?

Duke: The Sun have come over all self-righteous, claim they have no intention of running the transcript, but are clearly sitting in the bloody office wetting their trousers over it. They've released a couple of juicy quotes which make it appear all we talk about are bloody soap operas, or something. And they've covered the inside with all sorts of impertinent suggestions as to who you might be.

MW: Yah? Who?

Duke: Appear to have run a finger down Debrett for a few possibles, and then added anyone they can think of who talks remotely properly. Even some laughable idea you're Liz bloody Hurley. If only, I say.

Anyway, I had a word with the cove from MI5 who hangs around E looking shifty and he gave me another frequency to use which is allegedly snoop- free. I'll have to shout, though, because he told me to take a sodding drive in a Land Rover round the grounds next time I phone as an extra precaution. Increases the background noise, he said. What the bloody ...

Line crackles and goes silent for a couple of seconds

MW: Yah? Yah?

Duke: Sorry about that, appear to have run over a game-keeper.

MW: Any damage?

Duke: Slight dent on the wing. Luckily it's one of hers. Bumping into a servant reminds me to bring you up to speed on the soap opera. All sorts of problems with the domestics over at KP. The Queen of bloody Hearts has gone completely goggle-eyed, servants walking out on her left, right and centre. Except the chauffeur. He drove out on her. Har har.

MW: Oh, that renowned sense of humour.

Duke: Quite. Can't blame the chap - got fed up ferrying her to these lunches she keeps having with newspaper editors. All that waiting around outside, reading papers telling him how gorgeous and misunderstood she is when all one has to do is take a quick butcher's in the rear-view mirror to realise she's completely barking. And now she's being sued by the bloody nanny. Good God.

In my day, Nanny was some old trout in white who wiped your arse, made jam roly-poly and picked you up from the station at school holidays because your people were still in India. Now they've got degrees, legs up to the Plimsoll line and bloody solicitors.

I understand from reading Dempster, that the Q of H wants to ban the nanny from the boys' bathroom. Typical bloody impractical woman. Who the hell's going to give a chap a bath if Nanny doesn't? Mind you, I blame the Idiot Boy for the whole sorry caper. Sooner he stops talking to the oaks in Windsor Park, pulls his finger out and gets himself a quickie divorce the better for all of us.

MW: Yah.

Duke: Talking of Dempster, did you read last week that the Fat Duchess had conned some Yank into buying that story she claims she wrote? Baldy the Toe Sucker or something?

MW: Yah.

Duke: Just as bloody well. After the Pork finances went bow over stern, E put out that statement saying she refused to bail the Blob out. Then all these stories start appearing, planted I have no doubt by some bloody PR consultant, that Her Lardyship had a hell of a yarn to spin, at a price not unadjacent to the amount she owes those spineless bankers at Coutts.

Lucky the Yanks coughed up because the last thing E needs at the moment is a member of the family's indiscretions plastered all over the so-called bloody newspapers.

MW: Yah.

Duke: Look, got to dash. Under instructions to report back by nine. She's got all the bloody neighbours coming round because Mr Marine's on the telly.

MW: Edward?

Duke: Well, not strictly on the telly. His arty-bloody-farty production company's finally got a programme coming out. God knows how much he had to slip that red-socked cigar-chomper who runs Channel 4 to get it screened. A soap opera based at the House of Commons, I ask you.

Told him last time I saw him: if he wants to make a bloody soap opera, bring the sodding cameras round here. Least he could do is keep it in the family. Anyway, good talking to you. Nice to get it all off my chest.

MW: No problem. Make the cheque out to Susie Orbach, as usual.

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
ebooks
ebookA delicious collection of 50 meaty main courses
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

SPONSORED FEATURES

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Recruitment Genius: Senior Environmental Adviser - Maternity Cover

    £37040 - £43600 per annum: Recruitment Genius: The UK's export credit agency a...

    Recruitment Genius: CBM & Lubrication Technician

    £25000 - £27500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This company provides a compreh...

    Recruitment Genius: Care Worker - Residential Emergency Service

    £16800 - £19500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Would you like to join an organ...

    Recruitment Genius: Senior Landscaper

    £25000 - £28000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: In the last five years this com...

    Day In a Page

    The long walk west: they fled war in Syria, only to get held up in Hungary – now hundreds of refugees have set off on foot for Austria

    They fled war in Syria...

    ...only to get stuck and sidetracked in Hungary
    From The Prisoner to Mad Men, elaborate title sequences are one of the keys to a great TV series

    Title sequences: From The Prisoner to Mad Men

    Elaborate title sequences are one of the keys to a great TV series. But why does the art form have such a chequered history?
    Giorgio Armani Beauty's fabric-inspired foundations: Get back to basics this autumn

    Giorgio Armani Beauty's foundations

    Sumptuous fabrics meet luscious cosmetics for this elegant look
    From stowaways to Operation Stack: Life in a transcontinental lorry cab

    Life from the inside of a trucker's cab

    From stowaways to Operation Stack, it's a challenging time to be a trucker heading to and from the Continent
    Kelis interview: The songwriter and sauce-maker on cooking for Pharrell and crying over potatoes

    Kelis interview

    The singer and sauce-maker on cooking for Pharrell
    Refugee crisis: David Cameron lowered the flag for the dead king of Saudi Arabia - will he do the same honour for little Aylan Kurdi?

    Cameron lowered the flag for the dead king of Saudi Arabia...

    But will he do the same honour for little Aylan Kurdi, asks Robert Fisk
    Our leaders lack courage in this refugee crisis. We are shamed by our European neighbours

    Our leaders lack courage in this refugee crisis. We are shamed by our European neighbours

    Humanity must be at the heart of politics, says Jeremy Corbyn
    Joe Biden's 'tease tour': Could the US Vice-President be testing the water for a presidential run?

    Joe Biden's 'tease tour'

    Could the US Vice-President be testing the water for a presidential run?
    Britain's 24-hour culture: With the 'leisured society' a distant dream we're working longer and less regular hours than ever

    Britain's 24-hour culture

    With the 'leisured society' a distant dream we're working longer and less regular hours than ever
    Diplomacy board game: Treachery is the way to win - which makes it just like the real thing

    The addictive nature of Diplomacy

    Bullying, betrayal, aggression – it may be just a board game, but the family that plays Diplomacy may never look at each other in the same way again
    Lady Chatterley's Lover: Racy underwear for fans of DH Lawrence's equally racy tome

    Fashion: Ooh, Lady Chatterley!

    Take inspiration from DH Lawrence's racy tome with equally racy underwear
    8 best children's clocks

    Tick-tock: 8 best children's clocks

    Whether you’re teaching them to tell the time or putting the finishing touches to a nursery, there’s a ticker for that
    Charlie Austin: Queens Park Rangers striker says ‘If the move is not right, I’m not going’

    Charlie Austin: ‘If the move is not right, I’m not going’

    After hitting 18 goals in the Premier League last season, the QPR striker was the great non-deal of transfer deadline day. But he says he'd preferred another shot at promotion
    Isis profits from destruction of antiquities by selling relics to dealers - and then blowing up the buildings they come from to conceal the evidence of looting

    How Isis profits from destruction of antiquities

    Robert Fisk on the terrorist group's manipulation of the market to increase the price of artefacts
    Labour leadership: Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea

    'If we lose touch we’ll end up with two decades of the Tories'

    In an exclusive interview, Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea