Click to follow
Indy Lifestyle Online
The concluding episode of our interactive Bathside soap, based entirely on readers' contributions.

The plot so far: Life in Clinton Eastwood has been disrupted by an allegedly dead pig named George, aliens who communicate by e-mail, and a good deal of dandruff. Inspector Drane is close to solving the mystery, if only he can escape the allures of the gorgeous Lucretia. Now read on:

The St Anthony's church fete had begun in subdued fashion. "A fete worse than death," said Kevin. Then a huge spaceship darkened the sky, and a hologram of George the pig drifted slowly downwards until it hovered inches from the ground.

"Fur logs God. Tea lacks butter," shouted the hologram, reading from a prepared text. "City sons err forth! Farty lung aver pigsbean tree teddy bomb in alley. Weave adder north, Sir! Hen dour - our Else."

While all eyes were on the hologram, Kevin had poured, from the back of a pick-up truck, a vast quantity of scrambled egg. "Master, the omelette is prepared," he announced, bowing towards the pig.

At a signal from George, the spacecraft descended slowly onto the egg tarmac, skidded and crashed into the church, sending a cloud of dandruff into the air and killing all on board except George, who staggered from the wreckage. Kevin regretted adding bacon fat to the eggs.

"Darling, thank goodness you're safe," sobbed Petronella, embracing the pig. "I had feared the worst when your carcass disappeared after we had faked your death."

As this touching scene was going on, Inspector Drane pounced. "Colin Swillsby," he said in a loud voice, "I arrest you for supplying dandruff as rocket fuel for alien spacecraft in contravention of UN sanctions."

"Not so fast, Drane." The firm arm of Colonel "Toothy" Gate, was laid on the inspector's shoulder. He flashed an identity card that showed him to be none other than Commissioner "Notting Hill" Gate from Scotland Yard.

"We've been after this one for a long time. You've done well, Drane."

So saying, Gate drove off with Colin and they spent a happy life together in Weston Super Mare. Lucretia and Kevin are to be married in spring. George the pig and Petronella are together again at Dunwutherin farm. George had never enjoyed the bacon sandwiches the aliens gave him. Mind how you go.

This week's main contributors were Martin Brown (who wins the Larousse Dictionary of World Folklore prize), Phoebe-Ann Caldwell and Caroline Evans. Thanks to all who took part.