The plot so far: Inspector Drane is hot on the trail of the killer of George the pig, who may not be dead after all. He is hurrying to a graveside appointment with Lucretia, who has been feeding dandruff to her pet goldfish, Rover. Now read on:
"Lookin' for me, Drane?"
The inspector spun round abruptly and saw a tall figure emerging from the shadows of a doorway. "Well, well. SD Case. The man with no name," he said, as thoughts came racing through his head. Thoughts like: why is he wearing a poncho on such a hot day? Suddenly he realised. "SD Case. It's not a name, is it? It's a clue. Sacrificial dagger case. If I find that, I'll know who stabbed George. Whatever your real name is, thank you."
SD Case narrowed his eyes in the sunlight, chewed on his cigar and spat on the ground. "Don't mention it, old man." He walked away leaving a trail of dandruff behind him.
At the graveyard, Lucretia unzipped her anorak another notch and draped herself over a tombstone as she saw the Inspector approach. "Over here," she whispered breakfastlessly. "I have information about the case."
"The dagger case," Drane rasped, his mind thrown off course by the hand fiddling with his tie knot. "Lucretia," he gasped.
"Call me Lucre," she purred. "As in filthy."
Meanwhile, on the other side of the church, crowds were gathering for the annual village show, the highlight of the Clinton Eastwood year. Speculation was mounting as never before over who would win the biggest marrow prize, the oddest sock prize and, most important of all, in the light of George's unfortunate accident, the most genetically engineered pig prize.
Meanwhile, in the saloon bar of the Soon to be Forgotten Virgin, Colonel Gate roared with fury and spat a mouthful of food onto his plate. "This bacon sandwich has fish scales in it."
Something fishy's going on, but what is it? Is Inspector Drane pursuing a red herring? What have the aliens been doing to George all this time?
All your best ideas will be revealed next week. Contributions should be sent to: Soapy Pastimes, the Independent, 1 Canada Square, Canary Wharf, London E14 5DL. A copy of the new Chambers Combined Dictionary Thesaurus for the one we like best.
This week's main contributors were Linda Browning (who wins the Larousse Dictionary of World Folklore prize) and Joan Hoult.