The plot so far: The carcass of George, the murdered pig from Dunwutherin farm, has been stolen from the graveyard of St Anthony's in Clinton Eastwood, near Bath. Petronella Swillsby is having an affair with Vlad, the work- experience boy; her son, Kevin, has fallen in love over the Internet; her husband Colin collects dandruff. Now read on:
SD Case, the man with no name, sat high in his Mercedes as he rode into Clinton Eastwood. At Scurf International, everyone called him SD, though no one knew what the initials stood for. The names "Seb" and "Dermot" had been murmured, but not to his face. After pausing for a few moments at the sign to Dunwutherin Farm, he drove straight past the turning, then parked his car in a lay-by and began to walk back.
In her small room at the rectory, Lucretia, the most beautiful barmaid in the world, fed another handful of dandruff to her pet goldfish. "I hope Colin will be round this evening," she thought. "I'm running out of dandruff and I don't want Rover catching a computer virus." Colin had told her that the anti-magnetic properties of dandruff would prevent it.
Turning to the computer terminal, she sighed deeply. Would her Internet lover, her e-male, be there tonight? She knew that "Daniel Drough" was only a pseudonym, but what sparkling wit it promised. All her life, men had pursued her for her beauty, but "Daniel", she knew, wanted her for her mind. It had been love at first byte.
By a remarkable coincidence, Kevin Swillsby had logged on at precisely the same moment. There were two messages waiting. One he recognised as from his Internet inamorata. Subject: Internet intercourse. He decided to save it until he had read the other, which carried no identification.
Back in the pub, Inspector Drane tapped on the bar with the Byzantine goat-sacrificing dagger that had killed George. "I mean to find out why this particular piece of pork was stuffed," he said in a determined voice.
Will Drane ever find George's assassin? Have the aliens finally contacted Kevin. What is the true business of Scurf International, and why is SD in town? Is dandruff really good for goldfish?
All suggestions and plot contributions will be gratefully received at: Soapy Pastimes, the Independent, 1 Canada Square, Canary Wharf, London E14 5DL.
This week's main contributors were Terence Sarluis (who wins the Larousse Dictionary of World Folklore prize), Lorraine Watling, Maurice Hulks, Duncan Bull and Linda Browning.Reuse content