The plot so far: The peace of Clinton Eastwood, near Bath, has been rocked by an explosion coming from the graveyard, where George, the brutally murdered pig of Petronella Swillsby, lies buried. Petronella and her lover, Vlad, the work-experience boy, had tethered a large pink balloon to the headstone in a plot to find George's killer. Colin, husband of Petronella and father of Kevin, has been collecting his wife's dandruff and surfing the Internet. Now read on:
Colonel "Toothy" Gate, his pint of Eastwood's Unforgiven still clutched in his hand, led the charge out of the pub towards the graveyard. Suddenly, another explosion ripped through the air. The sky turned a lurid pink and the Colonel just had time to shout "Take cover!" before a rubber pig's ear landed in his beer.
As the whole town converged on the church, Kevin Swillsby sneaked back into Dunwutherin farmhouse and seated himself at the computer. After picking some pork scratchings from its keyboard and eating them, he logged on to the Internet and sent an e-mail message: "The plan's perfect. Mum's dandruff now gone. Colin's getting desperate. All my love, my darling. Yours till pink pigs may fly, Kev. xxx." Then he turned to the ET-aliens newsgroup to see if they had left any instructions.
Back at the graveside, Colin offered a helping hand to the Rev Dawkins. "Gently, dear boy," said the vicar, "I've got a terrible headache."
"Yer've got terrible dandruff too," said Colin. "But 'ow did yer get in George's grave? And where's George?" True enough, the carcass of George was nowhere to be seen.
"I heard a scuffling noise and came to investigate," said the vicar. "Then something hit me on the back of the head, and that's the last I remember."
As the townsfolk gathered round the Rev Dawkins, nobody noticed Colin scooping handfulls of dandruff from the graveside into his pockets.
Lucretia, the most beautiful barmaid in the world, watched serenely from her room in the rectory. A smile crossed her luscious lips as she caressed her computer terminal.
What are Kevin and Lucretia up to? Why has George been pignapped? What does Colin do with all that dandruff? How do you get pink rubber stains out of beer? We rely on our readers for answers to these questions and any new plot developments. Contributions to: Soapy Pastimes, the Independent, 1 Canada Square, Canary Wharf, London E14 5DL. This week's contributors: Timothy N Evans (who wins the Larousse Dictionary of World Folklore), Duncan Bull, Lorraine Watling.