End of story

WHEN I was growing up, I would catch Dad doing the oddest things if he thought no one was watching. One of my earliest memories, for example, is of watching him standing in front of an open window with his shirt off, executing a slow and very graceful breast-stroke.

Another time - again when I was small - I was outside the house, peering in through a downstairs window. Sid was sitting in an armchair. I saw him get up out of his chair, pick one of my toy arrows up off the floor, lick the sucker, and fasten it to the exact centre of his forehead. After admiring himself in the mirror for a few moments, he walked about the room, pointing his arrow this way and that as if he were a dalek or something. Then he went over to his cup of tea, bowed his head over it, and tried to stir it with the end. We all do odd things, I suppose, when we are alone.

I reminded Sid about the arrow just the other night. There were four of us having a late drink over at El Rabioso in Torremolinos. There was me, Dad, Veronica (Dad's latest leg-over) and Little-Eyed Dave. Little- Eyed is the owner of El Rabioso and Dad's best pal. We were all sat at the bar drinking this new cocktail of Dave's called Slash And Burn, and we were talking about the bizarre things people get up to when they think no one is looking.

Veronica's English has improved markedly in the last couple of months since she's been going out with Dad. The only trouble is, the more she understands of his conversation, the less she likes him. Which is ironic, because unusually for him, Dad has been smitten by the purple light of love and is following her around like a doting mallard.

When it was Veronica's turn to tell us what she does when no one is looking, she took a thoughtful sip of her S&B and confessed to leaning against the corner of her washing machine when its on "spin". Dad looked adoringly at Veronica on hearing this, then he looked puzzled, then he looked disgusted. Then Little-Eyed Dave started in with this story about a friend of his called One Punch Peterson.

One Punch is head doorman at a rave club in Ibiza. Part of his job is to see that the only people selling drugs in the club are those who pay the doormen for the privilege. One night, One Punch broke an unaccredited drug dealer's jaw before ejecting him. In retaliation, the drug dealer found out where One Punch lived and burgled his apartment.

(A typical Little-Eyed Dave story this. He loves to give the impression that he's on back-slapping terms with all the top south and east London faces and what he doesn't know about villainy isn't worth knowing. To mark the much-publicised arrest near Cdiz last week, Dave had Kippers a la Kenneth Noye on the menu as a starter for one of his specials.)

So One Punch comes home and finds his apartment turned over and all his electrical goods missing. Particularly upsetting for him was the loss of his brand new 29-inch flat-screen TV with Nicam digital stereo and Dolby surround. Also, the drug dealer had left a horrible mess in his little girl's bedroom.

One Punch was livid. He'd paid over pounds 800 for that telly. As soon as he found out where this drug dealer lived he went straight round to shoot him.

When he found the house, he went round the back and looked in through the patio doors. On a living room table was a glass bowl with a goldfish in it. And leaning over the bowl and whispering to the goldfish - was this drug dealer.

("Lets have a look at the old scoreboard!" interpolates Sid, in his Bruce Forsyth voice.)

According to One Punch, this drug dealer's lips were almost brushing the surface of the water and he was whispering to this goldfish as if he was trying to change its mind about something very important. When the dealer started singing to the goldfish, One Punch stepped into the room and shot him. As an afterthought he shot the fish as well, just for badness.

"What about the telly? Did he get it back?" I said to Little-Eyed. "No - but he was in luck," said Dave. "When he went to prison, they gave him a nice little telly with Nicam stereo all to himself."

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
ebookPart of The Independent’s new eBook series The Great Composers
Tottenham legend Jimmy Greaves has defended fans use of the word 'Yid'
Life and Style
Arts and Entertainment
Kanye West, performing in New York last week, has been the subject of controversy as rock's traditional headline slot at Glastonbury is lost once again
Arts and Entertainment
The Ridiculous Six has been produced by Adam Sandler, who also stars in it
filmNew controversy after nine Native American actors walked off set
Life and Style
Google celebrates Bartolomeo Cristofori's 360th birthday
techGoogle Doodle to the rescue
  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Recruitment Genius: Senior Digital Marketing Consultant

    £28000 - £45000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Senior Digital Marketing Cons...

    Recruitment Genius: Assistant Stores Keeper

    £16640 - £18500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: An Assistant Stores Keeper is r...

    Recruitment Genius: Claims Administrator

    £16000 - £18500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an excellent opportunit...

    Recruitment Genius: Software Developer - C# / ASP.NET / SQL

    £17000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Developer required to join a bu...

    Day In a Page

    Fishing for votes with Nigel Farage: The Ukip leader shows how he can work an audience as he casts his line to the disaffected of Grimsby

    Fishing is on Nigel Farage's mind

    Ukip leader casts a line to the disaffected
    Who is bombing whom in the Middle East? It's amazing they don't all hit each other

    Who is bombing whom in the Middle East?

    Robert Fisk untangles the countries and factions
    China's influence on fashion: At the top of the game both creatively and commercially

    China's influence on fashion

    At the top of the game both creatively and commercially
    Lord O’Donnell: Former cabinet secretary on the election and life away from the levers of power

    The man known as GOD has a reputation for getting the job done

    Lord O'Donnell's three principles of rule
    Rainbow shades: It's all bright on the night

    Rainbow shades

    It's all bright on the night
    'It was first time I had ever tasted chocolate. I kept a piece, and when Amsterdam was liberated, I gave it to the first Allied soldier I saw'

    Bread from heaven

    Dutch survivors thank RAF for World War II drop that saved millions
    Britain will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power - Labour

    How 'the Axe' helped Labour

    UK will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power
    Rare and exclusive video shows the horrific price paid by activists for challenging the rule of jihadist extremists in Syria

    The price to be paid for challenging the rule of extremists

    A revolution now 'consuming its own children'
    Welcome to the world of Megagames

    Welcome to the world of Megagames

    300 players take part in Watch the Skies! board game in London
    'Nymphomaniac' actress reveals what it was really like to star in one of the most explicit films ever

    Charlotte Gainsbourg on 'Nymphomaniac'

    Starring in one of the most explicit films ever
    Robert Fisk in Abu Dhabi: The Emirates' out-of-sight migrant workers helping to build the dream projects of its rulers

    Robert Fisk in Abu Dhabi

    The Emirates' out-of-sight migrant workers helping to build the dream projects of its rulers
    Vince Cable interview: Charging fees for employment tribunals was 'a very bad move'

    Vince Cable exclusive interview

    Charging fees for employment tribunals was 'a very bad move'
    Iwan Rheon interview: Game of Thrones star returns to his Welsh roots to record debut album

    Iwan Rheon is returning to his Welsh roots

    Rheon is best known for his role as the Bastard of Bolton. It's gruelling playing a sadistic torturer, he tells Craig McLean, but it hasn't stopped him recording an album of Welsh psychedelia
    Russell Brand's interview with Ed Miliband has got everyone talking about The Trews

    Everyone is talking about The Trews

    Russell Brand's 'true news' videos attract millions of viewers. But today's 'Milibrand' interview introduced his resolutely amateurish style to a whole new crowd
    Morne Hardenberg interview: Cameraman for BBC's upcoming show Shark on filming the ocean's most dangerous predator

    It's time for my close-up

    Meet the man who films great whites for a living