End of story

WHEN I was growing up, I would catch Dad doing the oddest things if he thought no one was watching. One of my earliest memories, for example, is of watching him standing in front of an open window with his shirt off, executing a slow and very graceful breast-stroke.

Another time - again when I was small - I was outside the house, peering in through a downstairs window. Sid was sitting in an armchair. I saw him get up out of his chair, pick one of my toy arrows up off the floor, lick the sucker, and fasten it to the exact centre of his forehead. After admiring himself in the mirror for a few moments, he walked about the room, pointing his arrow this way and that as if he were a dalek or something. Then he went over to his cup of tea, bowed his head over it, and tried to stir it with the end. We all do odd things, I suppose, when we are alone.

I reminded Sid about the arrow just the other night. There were four of us having a late drink over at El Rabioso in Torremolinos. There was me, Dad, Veronica (Dad's latest leg-over) and Little-Eyed Dave. Little- Eyed is the owner of El Rabioso and Dad's best pal. We were all sat at the bar drinking this new cocktail of Dave's called Slash And Burn, and we were talking about the bizarre things people get up to when they think no one is looking.

Veronica's English has improved markedly in the last couple of months since she's been going out with Dad. The only trouble is, the more she understands of his conversation, the less she likes him. Which is ironic, because unusually for him, Dad has been smitten by the purple light of love and is following her around like a doting mallard.

When it was Veronica's turn to tell us what she does when no one is looking, she took a thoughtful sip of her S&B and confessed to leaning against the corner of her washing machine when its on "spin". Dad looked adoringly at Veronica on hearing this, then he looked puzzled, then he looked disgusted. Then Little-Eyed Dave started in with this story about a friend of his called One Punch Peterson.

One Punch is head doorman at a rave club in Ibiza. Part of his job is to see that the only people selling drugs in the club are those who pay the doormen for the privilege. One night, One Punch broke an unaccredited drug dealer's jaw before ejecting him. In retaliation, the drug dealer found out where One Punch lived and burgled his apartment.

(A typical Little-Eyed Dave story this. He loves to give the impression that he's on back-slapping terms with all the top south and east London faces and what he doesn't know about villainy isn't worth knowing. To mark the much-publicised arrest near Cdiz last week, Dave had Kippers a la Kenneth Noye on the menu as a starter for one of his specials.)

So One Punch comes home and finds his apartment turned over and all his electrical goods missing. Particularly upsetting for him was the loss of his brand new 29-inch flat-screen TV with Nicam digital stereo and Dolby surround. Also, the drug dealer had left a horrible mess in his little girl's bedroom.

One Punch was livid. He'd paid over pounds 800 for that telly. As soon as he found out where this drug dealer lived he went straight round to shoot him.

When he found the house, he went round the back and looked in through the patio doors. On a living room table was a glass bowl with a goldfish in it. And leaning over the bowl and whispering to the goldfish - was this drug dealer.

("Lets have a look at the old scoreboard!" interpolates Sid, in his Bruce Forsyth voice.)

According to One Punch, this drug dealer's lips were almost brushing the surface of the water and he was whispering to this goldfish as if he was trying to change its mind about something very important. When the dealer started singing to the goldfish, One Punch stepped into the room and shot him. As an afterthought he shot the fish as well, just for badness.

"What about the telly? Did he get it back?" I said to Little-Eyed. "No - but he was in luck," said Dave. "When he went to prison, they gave him a nice little telly with Nicam stereo all to himself."

Voices
Barn owls are among species that could be affected
charity appeal
Sport
After another poor series in Sri Lanka, Alastair Cook claimed all players go through a lean period
cricketEoin Morgan reportedly to take over ODI captaincy
Life and Style
food + drink
Voices
John Profumo and his wife Valerie Robson in 1959
voicesWard committed no crime, and the truth is still being covered up, writes Geoffrey Robertson QC
PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
Life and Style
ebooksA superb mix of recipes serving up the freshest of local produce in a delicious range of styles
News
news... you won't believe how bad their skills were
News
people

Arts and Entertainment
Mark Wright and Mark Wright
tvStrictly goes head-to-head with Apprentice
Sport
footballPremier League preview: All the talking points ahead of this weekend's clashes
News
i100
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Recruitment Genius: Finance Director

    £65000 - £80000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Finance Director required to jo...

    Recruitment Genius: Medico-Legal Assistant

    £15000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is a unique opportunity fo...

    Ashdown Group: (PHP / Python) - Global Media firm

    £50000 per annum + 26 days holiday,pension: Ashdown Group: A highly successful...

    The Jenrick Group: Quality Inspector

    £27000 per annum + pension + holidays: The Jenrick Group: A Quality Technician...

    Day In a Page

    Homeless Veterans appeal: 'You look for someone who's an inspiration and try to be like them'

    Homeless Veterans appeal

    In 2010, Sgt Gary Jamieson stepped on an IED in Afghanistan and lost his legs and an arm. He reveals what, and who, helped him to make a remarkable recovery
    Could cannabis oil reverse the effects of cancer?

    Could cannabis oil reverse effects of cancer?

    As a film following six patients receiving the controversial treatment is released, Kate Hilpern uncovers a very slippery issue
    The Interview movie review: You can't see Seth Rogen and James Franco's Kim Jong Un assassination film, but you can read about it here

    The Interview movie review

    You can't see Seth Rogen and James Franco's Kim Jong Un assassination film, but you can read about it here
    Serial mania has propelled podcasts into the cultural mainstream

    How podcasts became mainstream

    People have consumed gripping armchair investigation Serial with a relish typically reserved for box-set binges
    Jesus Christ has become an unlikely pin-up for hipster marketing companies

    Jesus Christ has become an unlikely pin-up

    Kevin Lee Light, aka "Jesus", is the newest client of creative agency Mother while rival agency Anomaly has launched Sexy Jesus, depicting the Messiah in a series of Athena-style poses
    Rosetta space mission voted most important scientific breakthrough of 2014

    A memorable year for science – if not for mice

    The most important scientific breakthroughs of 2014
    Christmas cocktails to make you merry: From eggnog to Brown Betty and Rum Bumpo

    Christmas cocktails to make you merry

    Mulled wine is an essential seasonal treat. But now drinkers are rediscovering other traditional festive tipples. Angela Clutton raises a glass to Christmas cocktails
    5 best activity trackers

    Fitness technology: 5 best activity trackers

    Up the ante in your regimen and change the habits of a lifetime with this wearable tech
    Paul Scholes column: It's a little-known fact, but I have played one of the seven dwarves

    Paul Scholes column

    It's a little-known fact, but I have played one of the seven dwarves
    Fifa's travelling circus once again steals limelight from real stars

    Fifa's travelling circus once again steals limelight from real stars

    Club World Cup kicked into the long grass by the continued farce surrounding Blatter, Garcia, Russia and Qatar
    Frank Warren column: 2014 – boxing is back and winning new fans

    Frank Warren: Boxing is back and winning new fans

    2014 proves it's now one of sport's biggest hitters again
    Jeb Bush vs Hillary Clinton: The power dynamics of the two first families

    Jeb Bush vs Hillary Clinton

    Karen Tumulty explores the power dynamics of the two first families
    Stockholm is rivalling Silicon Valley with a hotbed of technology start-ups

    Stockholm is rivalling Silicon Valley

    The Swedish capital is home to two of the most popular video games in the world, as well as thousands of technology start-ups worth hundreds of millions of pounds – and it's all happened since 2009
    Did Japanese workers really get their symbols mixed up and display Santa on a crucifix?

    Crucified Santa: Urban myth refuses to die

    The story goes that Japanese store workers created a life-size effigy of a smiling "Father Kurisumasu" attached to a facsimile of Our Lord's final instrument of torture
    Jennifer Saunders and Kate Moss join David Walliams on set for TV adaptation of The Boy in the Dress

    The Boy in the Dress: On set with the stars

    Walliams' story about a boy who goes to school in a dress will be shown this Christmas