etc ..Five naff things to do in London

1. Have your portrait sketched. Takes 20 mins, costs pounds 15. A caricature takes five mins and costs pounds 3. Try the lower ground floor of the Trocadero, Piccadilly Circus, WC1.

2. Shop at a tourist shop Wander into Crest of London (Leicester Sq WC1) or City of London (Shaftesbury Ave WC1) and spend pounds 5.75 on an 'I got absolutely pissed in London' T-shirt. Traditionalists will prefer the 'My Mum went to London and all I got was this lousy T-shirt'.

3. Buy fish & chips from 'Fish & Chips At the 'Great British Invention' in Leicester Sq WC1. Cost: pounds 3.50.

4. Visit The Guinness World of Records at the Trocadero. What a trip. Adult admission: pounds 5.75

5. Walk down Carnaby Street, W1. Costs absolutely nothing, feels like absolutely nothing.