7.00am GMTV: Gay Men's TV. As gay men are still out clubbing, there is no early-morning programming.
9.30 Richard and Richard. On the Heal's sofa with daytime's loveliest couple for a bumper helping of old tat, vicious gossip and Z-list celebrities. Today, saving money on rent boys, weekend breaks at the Betty Ford clinic and the Dorothy Squires revival - is God really that cruel? With camp cooks Rolled and Stuffed - catchphrase: "We feel like chicken tonight" - with recipes for mince pie and queen of puddings, Boy George singing "Nellie the Elephant" and some twinkie the producer is seeing behind his boyfriend's back.
11.00 Gay News and Weather: It's raining men.
11.05 Top of the Poppers. A panel of Muscle Marys test the latest under- the-counter amyl nitrates. Not to be sniffed at. In association with Positively Healthy.
11.30 What the Gay Papers Say. Vital news issues discussed. This week: how the editor of Boyz copped-off with this really cute skinhead. Presented by either Simon Callow, Antony Sher, Michael Cashman or Sir Ian McNellie, the world-famous anagram.
12.00 Gay News and Weather: Peter Tatchell demands that the sun come out.
12.30pm Lunch Box. Gay business series explains why pounds 15 entrance to a club, an extra 80p on a pint and staff who bully or ignore you are "good for the community". Plus the trade deficit: shouldn't you be putting it aboutmore?
1.00 Gay News and Weather. We're having a heatwave, a tropical heatwave.
1.30 Bi-Election Special. Tory candidate lies about his sexuality, marries a horsey Henrietta, scrapes through the selection process and still loses the seat to an out gay Labourite.
2.00 The Antiques Road Show. Dusty Springfield on tour. In monotone.
2.30 Gym'll Fix It. Steroids: take more. Ugly fat - don't give it your telephone number. Plus Christopher Biggins on retaining water (Lake Windermere to be exact).
3.00 Queensland. Finely milled, delicately scented Australian soap. Today our hero has an odd sensation Down Under.
3.30 Homo and Garden. Trapdoors - the way to deal with one-night stands who refuse to leave? Plus dungeons - do they have to be so gloomy?
4.00 A Question of Sport. The question is "why?"
4.30 Children's Programming. You don't want to grow up and have 2.5 kids, a ratty wife and a second-hand Volvo. You don't want to grow up and have 2.5 children, a ratty wife and a second-hand Volvo. You don't want... What? But I am programming the children...
5.00 Current Affairs. Who's sleeping with your lover, and why your friends aren't telling you - they're sleeping with him too! Bitches.
5.30 Gay News and Weather: A Foggy Day in Old London Town. So expect reduced visibility cruising Hampstead Heath.
6.00 The Transvestite Clothes Show. The best times to sneak into your mother's bedroom and try on her frocks, how to apply slap with a spray gun, and a shock study linking big hair with back pain. Plus a special report on gays in the millinery, as well as the Before I Dye slot.
6.30 Surprise, Surprise. Richard Littlejohn and Garry Bushell are discovered in bed.
7.00 Please, Sir! Beginners guide to S&M.
7.30 This Is Your Wife. Married gay men confronted before a baying studio audience.
8.00 Wildlife on One. Crabs. (OR 8.00 Absolutely Fatuous. Stonewall and Outrage! slag each other off.
8.30 Keeping Up Appearances. Sitcom about two suburban closet cases passing for straight. You'll laugh till you cry!
9.00 Pique Practice. Julian Clary's A-Z of put-downs, cheap slander and cutting remarks. Tonight, the proper inflection for "A handbag?" Dr David Starkey guests.
9.30 Gaywatch. The police defend the use of video cameras in certain public toilets. Not to be confused with You've Been Framed.
10.00 Gay News at Ten. Urgent update on that Boyz editor/skinhead story.
10.30 Fashioncrime Watch. We name the guilty parties. Like that party at Stringfellow's last week. My dear, what had they come as? Tonight, sneak footage of Boyzone at Mr Byrite and the entire cast of EastEnders caught wearing open-toed sandals. If you want to shop those who can't shop, ring 666.
11.00 Patent Bending. Cloning gay men from a single strand of moustache, a nipple ring and a scrap of plaid shirt.
11.30 Whose Line Is It Anyway? Recreational drug guide.
11.30 Call My Bluff. Peter Tatchell makes late-night calls to public figures, threatening to expose them to the full glare of media hostility. Sorry, must rush, I think that's the phone...
Midnight: Pink Dwarf. Jimmy Somerville music special. Remember to stuff Rover's ears.
1.00am Ooh ER. Medicated soap set in a "special clinic". Nurse Fred "Flo" Nightingale and Doctor Dan "Dead" Butch lie through their National Health capped teeth after reversing a liposuction procedure "for a bit of camp". Stars either Simon Callow, Antony Sher, Michael Cashman or Sir Ian McNellie.
1.30 Dream On. Gay man fantasises he has full equality under the law. Situation comedy.
2.00 Gay News: The skinhead and the editor of Boyz have broken up. Followed by Weather: Here Comes the Rain Again.
2.05 Night Thoughts. I gave that man my youth and he drops me for a leather number! And he took the Moulinex. My mother bought us that. And that guy who picked me up at Substation South. He said he'd call and he hasn't...
2.10 Closedown. Everyone back to my place, OK?n