THE DIGESTED FAD: Homage slogans
By Rebecca Gonsalves
The homage slogan trend that first started in 2012 with 'Comme des Fuckdown' (rather than Comme des Garçons) beanies has grown into something of a cottage industry. And understandably so, Feline or Celine Dion T-shirts are all that most fans of Phoebe Philo's work can actually afford, while the Homies sweater is a damn sight cheaper than a Hermès Birkin.
While some designers see the funny side, last month divisive designer Hedi Slimane threw his toys out of the pram and severed a 15-year relationship between YSL and Parisian boutique Colette after it carried 'Ain't Laurent Without Yves' parody T-shirts.
CAN I EAT THAT? Unorthodox digestion queries, answered
By Simon Usborne
First up, what the hell are you doing with a mousemat? Those things went out with the ball-age. That is, when mice were castrated by lasers (for which a smooth surface was less important).
But maybe you're hungry and you've got a mousemat collecting dust in the cupboard graveyard of computer peripherals, alongside that fighter-jet joystick you played with in the early Nineties. Can you eat the stupid thing?
According to the leading authority on mousemat material science, Wikipedia, modern pads "are typically made of lesser density rubber composites with fabric bonded to the upper surface".
Further extensive research reveals that rubber is sort of OK to eat. A teenager in Atlanta has poked down 50 car tyres, with no ill effects. You'd need to swallow several more mousemats to match her intake.
And you'd need to consume vast swathes to make you seriously ill – so go for it. Or, better still, stick your mat in the bin where it belongs.
HOW TO: Waffle about football
By Oscar Quine
Bored when pub talk turns to football? Follow these steps and you'll soon seem like the next Motty (that's John Motson, famed football pundit, to you)...
Pick a team. Then memorise a) name of their ground b) club's nickname c) its owner (and whether he's a goodie or a baddie) d) five key players (and their values). These are your anchor points around which to spin your web of deception.
As with most bluffing, it's about woolly phrasing delivered with confidence. Start with simple interjections and work up to more advanced platitudes. Mask phrases in barely contained anger, and occasional accusatory finger pointing, for best results.
Watching a match gives the perfect chance to disguise your ignorance in silence by pretending to be utterly overwhelmed by the beautiful game. Aim for 90 minutes of cries, yelps and nail biting with occasional sweary outbursts. A great way to zone out and think about something else. Ie, your shopping.
By Ellen E Jones
Q. A favourite aunt has died leaving £15,000, specifically to me. Should I share it with my two siblings, to whom she left nothing?
A. Concern for the living trumps loyalty to the dead – mainly because the living are still around to hold grudges. So share the money. Your aunt will never know and your siblings will owe you one. Big time.
@MsEllen E Jones