Father's Day 2014: The 20 Best Dad jokes (and how to tell them)
Sunday 15 June 2014
Dads are great – for many reasons. However, this Father’s Day, there is one universal trait that deserves to be celebrated more than any other: the dad joke.
There are three key components to the classic dad joke:
First, and most importantly, it must be in no way funny (ideally, there should be a particularly unfunny pun in there as well)
Second, it should immediately – IMMEDIATELY – be followed by a self-congratulatory chuckle (‘chuckle’ is, in itself, a very daddish word)
Third, and most crucially, it should be repeated ad nauseum. Dads never get tired of them – that’s why they’re so potently rubbish.
So, today of all todays, rejoice in the splendour of our favourite selection of cringe-worthy, lame, limp and desperately unfunny dad jokes.
You may even like some of them (even though you wouldn’t dream of admitting it).
Check out the fine examples below, and see our gallery for the cream of the crop.
1. What’s the heaviest soup in Asia? One ton
2. Dad: What would you like for pudding?
Dad: Me too, shame we don’t have any
3. Two pears on a table. Dad picks one up and says: they’re not a pair anymore
4. Dad (when driving past a cemetery): 'They put the fence up to keep everyone in!'
5. (When driving in the car)
Me: Where are we Dad?
Dad: In the car
6. (When squeezing past in the hallway and saying "excuse me please"). Classic dad joke is to lock you in a massive hug and say "I thought you said SQUEEZE ME".
7. Mum: Put the kettle
Dad: 'I don't think it will fit!'
8. Me: Please may I leave the table?
Dad: And where are you going to leave it?
9. When rubbing your eye
Dad: What's up?"
Me: "There's something in my eye"
Dad: "Yeah, it's your finger"
10. Me: What's on the TV?
Dad: Just some dust.
11. Dad: I’ve got a great joke about a pizza
Me: What is it?
Dad: I can’t tell you. It’s too cheesy
12. Me: "Dad, why isn't the snake moving?"
Dad: “I don't know son, it must have a reptile dysfunction..."
13. Where does a bee pee? At a BP station.
14. I knew I shouldn’t have had the seafood. I’m feeling a little eel
15. Me: Cocktail sausage?
You: It’s too early for a drink, honeybun
16. Me: What are you doing, dad?
Dad (standing on one leg at bank machine): I’m checking my balance
17. Dad scratching his eye.
Me: you okay?
Dad: No I’m really worried I’ve got a piece of steel in my eye
Dad: Because I may have it for the rust of my life
18. Me: how are you feeling?
Dad: Same as normal. With my hands
19. Dad (Watching the World Cup): Is Concarne playing?
Dad: Is Concarne playing? For chili?
20. Have you heard about that new film Constipation?
Dad: That’s cos it hasn’t come out yet
Life & Style blogs
Charlie Charlie Challenge: everyone on the internet thinks it’s a marketing stunt, but it probably isn’t
Not brushing your teeth can lead to dementia and heart disease
Yves Saint Laurent ad banned for featuring 'unhealthily underweight' model
Insomnia could be cured with one simple therapy session, new study claims
What do the emojis on Snapchat mean?
Thousands of teenage girls enduring debilitating illnesses after routine school cancer vaccination
Migrants in Kos: Photos show real tragedy after Brits abroad complain of 'awkward' holidays
British tourists complain that impoverished boat migrants are making holidays 'awkward' in Kos
Michael Gove determined to scrap the Human Rights Act – even if Scotland retains it
Threat to scrap Human Rights Act could see UK follow Nazi example, warns UN official
Church of England 'one generation away from extinction' after dramatic loss of followers
- 2 California man brutally beat 82-year-old Sikh grandfather he mistook for 'one of those people'
- 3 School kitchen manager 'fired from Colorado school for giving hungry students free lunches'
- 4 Amy Schumer: 'I'm 160lbs and can catch a d**k any time I want'
- 5 Isis executes three gay men by dangling them from top of 100ft building and letting go
£40000 - £47000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A 3rd Line Virtualisation / Sto...
£26000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A successful national service f...
£15000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an opportunity to join ...
£17500 - £20000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: We currently require an experie...