Father's Day 2014: The 20 Best Dad jokes (and how to tell them)


Dads are great – for many reasons. However, this Father’s Day, there is one universal trait that deserves to be celebrated more than any other: the dad joke.

There are three key components to the classic dad joke:

First, and most importantly, it must be in no way funny (ideally, there should be a particularly unfunny pun in there as well)

Second, it should immediately – IMMEDIATELY – be followed by a self-congratulatory chuckle (‘chuckle’ is, in itself, a very daddish word)

Third, and most crucially, it should be repeated ad nauseum. Dads never get tired of them – that’s why they’re so potently rubbish.

So, today of all todays, rejoice in the splendour of our favourite selection of cringe-worthy, lame, limp and desperately unfunny dad jokes.

You may even like some of them (even though you wouldn’t dream of admitting it).

Check out the fine examples below, and see our gallery for the cream of the crop.


1. What’s the heaviest soup in Asia? One ton

2.  Dad: What would you like for pudding?

Me: Ice-cream

Dad: Me too, shame we don’t have any

3. Two pears on a table. Dad picks one up and says: they’re not a pair anymore

4. Dad (when driving past a cemetery): 'They put the fence up to keep everyone in!'

5. (When driving in the car)

Me: Where are we Dad?

Dad: In the car

6. (When squeezing past in the hallway and saying "excuse me please"). Classic dad joke is to lock you in a massive hug and  say  "I thought you said SQUEEZE ME".

7. Mum: Put the kettle
Dad: 'I don't think it will fit!'

8. Me: Please may I leave the table? 
Dad: And where are you going to leave it?

9. When rubbing your eye
Dad: What's up?"
Me: "There's something in my eye"
Dad: "Yeah, it's your finger"

10. Me: What's on the TV?
Dad: Just some dust.

11. Dad: I’ve got a great joke about a pizza
Me: What is it?
Dad: I can’t tell you. It’s too cheesy

12. Me: "Dad, why isn't the snake moving?"
Dad: “I don't know son, it must have a reptile dysfunction..."

13. Where does a bee pee? At a BP station.

14. I knew I shouldn’t have had the seafood. I’m feeling a little eel

15. Me: Cocktail sausage?
You: It’s too early for a drink, honeybun

16. Me: What are you doing, dad?
Dad (standing on one leg at bank machine): I’m checking my balance

17. Dad scratching his eye.
Me: you okay?
Dad: No I’m really worried I’ve got a piece of steel in my eye
Me: Why?
Dad: Because I may have it for the rust of my life

18. Me: how are you feeling?
Dad: Same as normal. With my hands

19. Dad (Watching the World Cup): Is Concarne playing?
Me: Huh?
Dad: Is Concarne playing? For chili?

20. Have you heard about that new film Constipation?
Me: No
Dad: That’s cos it hasn’t come out yet

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