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Fifty sure-fire ways to tell the difference between heterosexual man and homosexual man. Even now...

At four in the morning, pissed gay men listen to "Unbreak My Heart".

At four in the morning, pissed straight men listen to "Achy Breaky Heart".

Gay men don't mind if their partner has a moustache.

Straight men do (see also: Back, hairy).

For straight men the Eighties were about: free-market forces, junk bonds, the trickle-down theory of economics ...

For gay men the Eighties were about: Dynasty

Straight men turn into little boys when they're ill.

Gay men turn into Barbara Stanwyck in Sorry, Wrong Number

A straight man who takes you for dinner and drinks, to a movie and back to his place for a night-cap is called a romantic.

A gay man who takes you for dinner and drinks, to a movie and back to his place for a night-cap is called Jeffrey Dahmer

For straight men football is a team sport of skill, strategy, stamina and religious intensity.

For gay men football is a chance to look at Ryan Giggs's thighs.

Straight men believe that Mary is a girl's name.

Get them, Mary!

Straight men have gone metric.

Gay men still think in Imperial measures.

Gay men have the shopping gene.

Straight men have the jump-up-and-touch-the-awning gene.

Gay men say "taupe", "crimson", "French navy", "indigo", "lime" and "mauve".

Straight men say, "It might very well have been ... What's it called again? That outrageous shade ... beige."

Straight pick-up line: "Are you a model?"

Gay pick-up line: "I am a model."

Straight men over 50 are "mature, distinguished and commanding".

Gay men over 50... whoa, what gay men over 50?

Things straight men say at the door to the bedroom: "I'll still respect you in the morning."

Things gay men say at the door to the bedroom: "It's just sex, no strings attached. Unless you're into string."

Straight men bet on the pools.

Gay men bet on the Oscars.

Straight men practise kung-fu for strength, agility and a spiritual understanding of the cosmic balance between pacifism and violence.

Gay men practise kung-fu because they get to wear lounging pyjamas in public.

Thoughts that stampede like rogue elephants through straight men's minds when meeting gay men: he thinks I'm a faggot; he looks better than me; smell that poufy after shave; he fancies me ... I want my Mummy.

Thoughts that hop like Flopsy Bunny through gay men's minds when meeting straight men: he thinks I'm a faggot; I look better than him; is that really the great smell of Brut?; the day I contract Alzheimer's, honey ... And your mother couldn't stop me.

Straight men rush to movies with lesbianism.

Gay men rush to movies with lesbians.

Straight men hide their porn so their girlfriends won't find it.

Gay men leave their porn all over the place so their boyfriends can enjoy it.

Trivial Pursuit: gay men play the pink (showbiz).

Trivial Pursuit: straight men play the orange (sport).

Straight men love their mothers.

Gay men love their mothers when they diet.

Straight men maintain no quality control over their underwear (tattered and torn, perished elastic, room for one more). I mean, wearing them back to front to gain a second day's use ... revolting or what?

Gay men's underwear (boil-in-the-bag, cut on the bias, hand-stitched by nuns) is always ready for that terrible car accident mothers spend half their lives hoping for.

Straight men will attend any movie with Demi Moore naked.

Gay men will attend any movie with Bruce Willis in a vest.

(Note: Hollywood is, at this very minute, attempting to find a way to unite these two humongous audiences. Try chloroform.)

A balding straight man will sweep four follicles over four acres.

A balding gay man will shave his head.

A straight man can't tell if his partner has faked orgasm.

A gay man ... oh, do try to keep up.

A straight man's bathroom looks like the cleaning lady doubles as a kleptomaniac ... But it's all there, guiltily shoved under the sink

A gay man's bathroom is Aladdin's cave, Santa's grotto, a branch of Boots and a Body Shop ... it's all there and ... it's all there.

Straight men seldom have dogs smaller than their luggage.

Gay men seldom have dogs larger than clutch bags.

Straight male greeting: "Hello."

Gay male greeting: "Angel Butt!"

Straight men buy Loaded for photos of babes looking fabulous.

Gay men buy the National Enquirer for photos of Elizabeth Taylor looking fat.

Straight men do DIY.

Gay men interior decorate.

Straight men worry about the size of their penises.

Gay men worry about the size of other men's penises.

What else? There must be something ... Oh yes. Gay men sleep with other men. Straight men don't. Or, actually, they sometimes do, but really, really hate themselves in the morning n

Mr Lyttle would like to acknowledge the assistance of MORI, Demos, MI5, the CIA, the ICA, the BFI, the FBI, and Stereotypes 'R' Us in the compiling of the above list. Rated: PG.