I can’t cook at all, but I attempt all the time to copy things that I have been given at dinner parties, usually with hideously clumsy results. One notable recent example was trying to create a Jamie Oliver pasta dish with prawns and rocket but I got all the amounts of the ingredients wrong and cooked far too much pasta – it was like eating wallpaper paste.

Serves 4

1 ready-cooked roast chicken from the supermarket
Two tubs of New Covent Garden wild mushroom risotto
Half a bottle of red wine
Lots of parmesan cheese
Freshly podded peas

The beauty of this recipe, if you can call it that, is that it involves lots of ripping up. Shred the chicken in your fingers (making sure there are no nasty bones). Then rip the top off two tubs of New Covent Garden wild mushroom risotto and heat up gently with the chicken. Rip the top off a bottle of red wine (with your teeth if you can) and pour in about half a bottle, adding plenty of grated parmesan. The piece de la resistance is the addition of freshly podded peas (none of your frozen muck here). Rip the cellophane off a packet and add them into the risotto for a couple of minutes until they are just cooked. Serve with extra parmesan and spinach leaves on the side.

Jenny Eclair will be touring UK theatres with her 'Because I Forgot To Get A Pension Tour' from 23rd September. Full details at: www.jennyeclair.com