Food & Drink: Who needs greasy fingerprints?: Psychological profiling is not just a game for puzzled policemen. Anyone can play

1) Does the subject always blame others for his or her own mistakes?

2) If there are no people to blame, does the subject blame anything that can't reply?

3) Does the subject teach others how to do something by yelling at them, then end up angrily doing it him or herself?

4) Is the subject obsessive? Will the subject repeat a seemingly simple exercise over and over until utterly convinced he or she is the undisputed world master at it? Does the subject perhaps then conclude that he or she invented it?

5) Does the subject automatically express contempt for his or her colleagues?

6) Does the subject believe that he or she has been robbed of rightful credit for the most fantastically successful trends?

7) Does the subject think of him or herself as actually quite modest and misunderstood?

8) Has the subject ever pissed on a copy of The Good Food Guide? Has he or she then shredded it, page by page, using an unusual special attachment on a Kenwood?

9) Does the subject nurse the conviction that he or she is telegenic?

If the answers to all these questions are yes, the subject is definitely a chef.

1) Does the subject tend to exchange glances with him or herself in the mirror over the bar?

2) Does the subject turn up the stereo very loudly so he or she can work to the beat of the music?

3) Does the subject appear prone to intermittent deafness?

4) Does the subject frequently pretend to recognise complete strangers?

5) Does the subject inevitably appear the minute an intimate conversation gets going?

6) Does the subject insist on thanking you after doing you a service?

7) Does the subject address you by saying, 'Who's the avocado?'

8) Does the subject do strange tricks with ashtrays?

9) Does the subject know that the expression, 'I have a very sensitive stomach,' really means, 'I only eat junk'?

10) Does the subject forget seeing you in unfamiliar company the night you couldn't get home because of the rail strike?

If the answers to all of the above are yes, the subject is definitely a waiter.