YOU have only a fortnight to buy your Christmas presents. Do not despair. Curl up instead with the Gastropod Gift Guide.

Most of the goods and services listed below can be ordered with a credit card for delivery before Christmas Day, but check before you order.

Wild Boar: If you can't stand the thought of turkey again this year, how about a hearty haunch of wild boar? Tony Hill of Wensleydale Wild Boar Breeders (0677 60239) can supply a range of fresh joints, smoked cuts and even wild boar sausages.

Balti Cookery Kits: The Birmingham Balti Company (021- 359 8388) sells Balti Cookery Kits, comprising a karahi cooking pan, recipe booklet and all the spices you need to reproduce the flavour of Birmingham's balti houses. A Starter Kit costs pounds 15.99, including postage.

Tongue Cleanser: Regular readers of the column will remember that this surgical steel implement removes the gunk from one's tongue the morning after the night before, reinvigorating the taste buds. It's essential kit for the festive season at pounds 6.95 plus 50p p&p. Credit card orders on 081-883 5828.

Caviar Cocktail: Once you've scraped your tongue on Christmas morn, why not start the day with vodka and caviar? The Caviar Cocktail consists of 2oz of top-quality Manchurian caviar plus two miniatures of Absolut vodka. It costs pounds 34.95, delivered to the door (081-747 1436).

Organic Christmas Puds: You could round off your festive feast with an organic Christmas Pudding from Andrew Whitley's award-winning Village Bakery in Melmerby, Cumbria. In three sizes, from pounds 4.25 for the smallest (0768 881515).

Melchior Chocolates: Carlo Melchior was nominated in Henrietta Green's Food Lover's Guide as the premier chocolatier in Britain. If even organic Christmas pud is too trad for your taste, try his mini puddings, made from festive fruits in firm truffle, soaked in cognac, coated with dark chocolate and finished with a sprig of marzipan holly. A packet of four costs pounds 9.95, including postage (0769 540643).