Vicious circles: Why these pizzas are a truly tasteless idea

News in from Marks & Spencer: to celebrate the Queen's Diamond Jubilee it is introducing some "Best of British" treats that will include the Great British Breakfast Pizza.

Let's ignore that pizza isn't exactly synonymous with Britain and discuss how it also comes with a sachet of brown sauce, just as, er, the Neapolitans intended.

What is it with horrible fusion pizzas at the moment? At the end of last year, Jamie Oliver opened his pizzeria, Union Jacks, "where wood-fired flatbreads meet great British flavours".

There you can scoff fish-pie pizza, which comes with smoked pollock, heritage potatoes, sweet leeks and Welsh cockles. Someone's eating them: the single branch in London is being joined by another in the capital and one in Winchester soon.

Meanwhile, the high street chain Fire & Stone has been ruining pizzas for years, where its unique toppings "take inspiration from five continents".

The Asian selection is certainly a treat: there is a Peking pizza that boasts Chinese hoisin sauce, shredded aromatic duck, mozzarella and spring onions topped with cucumber ribbons. If you were in the mood for Chinese, why not just, you know, go to a Chinese?

But the most revolting of all the revolting pizzas must go to the Doner Kebab Pizza, yours for just £1 from – you guessed it – Iceland. What happened to a good old margherita?