Serves 2

I say a kind of schnitzel because my mum never used to use veal – it's far too cruel. So instead, this is done with pork. Before we start, a word of warning. Although this recipe requires that you bash the meat until it's thin, don't get carried away. I once did, and ended up with a pork escalope with lots of holes in it.

Also, you need to know how to make chips. Not all this twice-fried or triple-fried stuff, just chips – potatoes cut thin and simply fried in oil hot enough to make it bubble. It's an important skill, I once had a relationship that was kept together simply by the fact that I could make good chips.

Serves 2
2 pork escalopes
2 eggs
1 big chunk of any old bread
1 lemon
Olive oil

First hammer out the meat until it's really thin, and put the bread in a blender. That bit's magic, watching the bread go into crumbs.

Beat the egg in a bowl, dunk the meat in it to give it a good soaking, and put it in the breadcrumbs so they stick. Then just fry in quite hot oil until they're golden – about four minutes each side. Squeeze the lemon juice all over them and that's it. Serve with a salad (dressed with lemon juice, white-wine vinegar, pepper and sugar) and chips.

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