Friends: the new family

Once it was mum who was always there for you. Now it's more likely to be a network of friends, says Vanessa Thorpe

WHEN the telephone rings after 10.30pm most women sense it must be one of only four or five people on the other end of the line. A sister? Maybe. A lover? If you are lucky. A mother? Probably not at that time of night.

Much more likely it is a close female friend; someone calling to tell you that they have split up with their boyfriend again or locked themselves out of their flat, or perhaps simply that Carry On Camping has just started on BBC1.

Such friendships are about intimacy and trust and are being increasingly relied upon to sustain people in an age when families are spread far and wide, and marriages fragment so easily.

Erika Reed, a 32-year-old solicitor, is nurtured by her 10-year friendship with her married friend Jane Mee.

"I was very ill one night and so I rang Jane at about 3am," she recalls. "I wanted to ask her what she thought was wrong and told her all my symptoms. She was very supportive and even came round to take me to the doctors the next morning. When you live on your own, the fact that she came round to make sure I went was great."

Since the huge popularity of the American sitcoms Seinfeld and Friends, with their idealised picture of upfront camaraderie and knowing banter between pals, the status of platonic friendships has reached an all-time high. You may fall in and out of romantic relationships, these shows imply, but you had better keep those old buddies on side if you want to survive.

Tonight strong female bonds enjoyed by people like Erika and Jane will be celebrated on the small screen in the first installment of a three- part BBC drama called Real Women. Written by Susan Oudot and taken from her best-selling novel, it charts the lives of five former school friends and puts their relationships with each other right in the foreground. For once, family, husbands and work are all purely incidental.

The actress Francis Barber who plays Anna and stars alongside Pauline Quirke, Gwenyth Strong, Michelle Collins and Lesley Manville, found the script reflected her own experience. "Friendship is about commitment and loyalty," says Barber. "I don't think it matters how far apart you are. I don't see some of my friends for ages, but when we get together it is as if time hasn't passed."

The characters are all modelled on elements of real people in the writer's circle. One is in an unfulfilling marriage, one is a career woman, another is a "good time girl", one is hoping to have a child, and the fifth, played by Manville, is a closet lesbian. "Real Women is inspired by lots of people I know," says Oudot. "One friend said to me, `Every story that we've ever told each other is in the book,' which is true."

With Erika's family 200 miles away from her London flat, it is Jane who keeps a spare set of keys and waters her plants and feeds her cat whenever she is away. "Having Jane around gives me a certain amount of freedom. It is not the kind of thing that you could ask anyone to do, but she knows I will do the same for her."

What is more, Erika says she would not even have her flat in the first place were it not for her friendship with Jane. "When I was looking for somewhere to buy, she was the person that I would turn to for approval. Buying a flat is a very big thing and if your family were close by they would come and have a look with you." Erika feels that because she no longer sees her family in an everyday way she now enjoys that sort of relationship with her best friends. "I can be stroppy with Jane because I think we are close enough. I will actually say if I'm a bit annoyed, whereas when I see my family these days there is never a cross word."

A supportive circle of women inevitably expands to include friends of friends too. Jane and Erika have helped each other's chums to find both jobs and practical solutions to smaller scale dilemmas such as the name of a good plumber.

Jane and her husband may move away from London soon, but the prospect of leaving such a support system of friends worries her. "My friends have more to do with my life than my family and therefore I don't have to go through endless explanations," she says. "Friends are more up to date with what is happening."

Like Erika, however, she is still emotionally close to her family and has a long-term licence to behave a little temperamentally with them. "You are more careless with your relationship with your family," she admits. "While I suppose you have to nurture your friends a bit more."

The modern emphasis on personal happiness rather than on family duty looks likely to continue to steer people away from daily involvement with their relatives, yet for Rebecca Cavanagh, a 32-year-old book editor, it is crucial that a friend should offer more than bland reassurance. "You don't need a friend who is as judgemental as a family member might be, but you don't want someone who is accepting of everything.."

Rebecca, like Lesley Manville's character in Real Women, has recently decided to tell close friends about a new gay relationship. Telling friends first, she says, made it easier to talk about it with her family. "When I first got together with Annie I knew I could tell my close friends straight away, while with my family - even my sisters - I was not quite so sure."

With all the benefits of sisterhood, of course, come the headaches. Women, unlike men, must never forget their close friends' birthdays. And then there is the fraught question of who to nominate for your BT best friend telephone discount.

`Real Women', BBC1 9.30pm

Life and Style
A teenager boy wakes up.
life
Arts and Entertainment
Critics say Kipling showed loathing for India's primitive villagers in The Jungle Book
filmChristopher Walken, Bill Murray, Scarlett Johanssen Idris Elba, Andy Serkis, Benedict Cumberbatch, Cate Blanchett and Christian Bale
Life and Style
food + drink
Life and Style
Playing to win: for Tanith Carey, pictured with Lily, right, and Clio, even simple games had to have an educational purpose
lifeTanith Carey explains what made her take her foot off the gas
PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebooksA superb mix of recipes serving up the freshest of local produce in a delicious range of styles
Life and Style
ebooksFrom the lifespan of a slug to the distance to the Sun: answers to 500 questions from readers
Life and Style
tech
Arts and Entertainment
A still from Duncan Campbell's hour-long film 'It for Others'
Turner Prize 2014
News
i100
Arts and Entertainment
Tony Hadley in a scene from ‘Soul Boys Of The Western World’
musicSpandau Ballet are back together - on stage and screen
Arts and Entertainment
From left to right: Ed Stoppard as Brian Epstein, Sheridan Smith as Cilla Black and Elliott Cowan as George Martin in 'Cilla'
tvCilla review: A poignant ending to mini-series
News
i100
Life and Style
Bearing up: Sebastian Flyte with his teddy Aloysius in Brideshead Revisited
lifePhilippa Perry explains why a third of students take a bear to uni
Arts and Entertainment
Sir Alan Sugar appearing in a shot from Apprentice which was used in a Cassette Boy mashup
artsA judge will rule if pieces are funny enough to be classed as parodies
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Trust Accountant - Kent

    NEGOTIABLE: Austen Lloyd: TRUST ACCOUNTANT - KENTIf you are a Chartered Accou...

    Geography Teacher

    £85 - £120 per day: Randstad Education Cheshire: randstad education are curre...

    Teaching Assistant

    Negotiable: Randstad Education Group: You must:- Speak English as a first lang...

    SEN Teaching Assistant

    £17000 - £18000 per annum: Randstad Education Group: If you are a committed Te...

    Day In a Page

    Isis is an hour from Baghdad, the Iraq army has little chance against it, and air strikes won't help

    Isis an hour away from Baghdad -

    and with no sign of Iraq army being able to make a successful counter-attack
    Turner Prize 2014 is frustratingly timid

    Turner Prize 2014 is frustratingly timid

    The exhibition nods to rich and potentially brilliant ideas, but steps back
    Last chance to see: Half the world’s animals have disappeared over the last 40 years

    Last chance to see...

    The Earth’s animal wildlife population has halved in 40 years
    So here's why teenagers are always grumpy - and it's not what you think

    Truth behind teens' grumpiness

    Early school hours mess with their biological clocks
    Why can no one stop hackers putting celebrities' private photos online?

    Hacked photos: the third wave

    Why can no one stop hackers putting celebrities' private photos online?
    Royal Ballet star dubbed 'Charlize Theron in pointe shoes' takes on Manon

    Homegrown ballerina is on the rise

    Royal Ballet star Melissa Hamilton is about to tackle the role of Manon
    Education, eduction, education? Our growing fascination with what really goes on in school

    Education, education, education

    TV documentaries filmed in classrooms are now a genre in their own right
    It’s reasonable to negotiate with the likes of Isis, so why don’t we do it and save lives?

    It’s perfectly reasonable to negotiate with villains like Isis

    So why don’t we do it and save some lives?
    This man just ran a marathon in under 2 hours 3 minutes. Is a 2-hour race in sight?

    Is a sub-2-hour race now within sight?

    Dennis Kimetto breaks marathon record
    We shall not be moved, say Stratford's single parents fighting eviction

    Inside the E15 'occupation'

    We shall not be moved, say Stratford single parents
    Air strikes alone will fail to stop Isis

    Air strikes alone will fail to stop Isis

    Talks between all touched by the crisis in Syria and Iraq can achieve as much as the Tornadoes, says Patrick Cockburn
    Nadhim Zahawi: From a refugee on welfare to the heart of No 10

    Nadhim Zahawi: From a refugee on welfare to the heart of No 10

    The Tory MP speaks for the first time about the devastating effect of his father's bankruptcy
    Witches: A history of misogyny

    Witches: A history of misogyny

    The sexist abuse that haunts modern life is nothing new: women have been 'trolled' in art for 500 years
    Shona Rhimes interview: Meet the most powerful woman in US television

    Meet the most powerful woman in US television

    Writer and producer of shows like Grey's Anatomy, Shonda Rhimes now has her own evening of primetime TV – but she’s taking it in her stride
    'Before They Pass Away': Endangered communities photographed 'like Kate Moss'

    Endangered communities photographed 'like Kate Moss'

    Jimmy Nelson travelled the world to photograph 35 threatened tribes in an unashamedly glamorous style