From one top cat to another: I could really do with a good spin vet. Any idea who handled Lassie?

Dear Socks,

As the US's First Cat, you must get a lot of fan mail. But since reading your web page on Tony's laptop, I feel I know you already. And frankly - I could use some advice. I guess you've had plenty of experience of political intrigue? Well, things have come to a pretty pass over on this side of the pond. I've been ousted! Overthrown! A clear case of "coup de chat". The end of an era, that's what it is - Downing Street devoid of its most influential resident in decades. It's a disgrace. I'd send you a Daily Telegraph, only it's not entirely savoury after several days in the litter tray. The lies they've been printing about me - "flea-ridden and rancid" etc. When I got wind of plans to pension me off in some quiet backwater where I could snooze away my dotage and no one would mind my moulting or having the occasional little accident on the floor I assumed it was a peerage after years of loyal service. Little did I know ...

Rumours of my death, I'm pleased to say, have been greatly exaggerated. I'm having to write this from a top secret location in South West London - though if those bastards think they can keep me out of the public eye then they're wrong. It's a conspiracy, that's what it is. Started the day they moved in. That special little entrance Tony built into the back door was no cat flap. Turned out it was just so Robin Cook could come and go as he pleased. And when I went to curl up for a bit of a scratch, know what I found in place of my favourite armchair? A bloody mouse mat! And there was me thinking I had a permanent safe seat. Never thought I'd hear myself say this, but I really miss the Majors. Old JM bringing me kippers back from Brixton.

Jealousy, that was the problem. I was the most popular Downing Street resident by a long chalk. Granted, I might have been involved in the odd scandal - but how many MPs can honestly say they've never been tempted to stray? Cherie was the brains behind the operation, of course She's always made my fur stand on end. That glint in her eye when Rolf Harris did neuterings on Animal Hospital. And you should have seen the amount of British beef she fed me. They were all in on it, you know. That old fox Mandelson. Sly, devious, vain, self-satisfied. OK, so there was a lot for a cat to admire in him...

I didn't take it lying down. I used to leave little dead creatures on the doorstep, but when Tony opened the door to find a couple of stiff newts laid out on the pavement, he just assumed they were friends of his from Oasis. Made no attempt to conceal it from me. "New Labour, New Kitten," I heard the PM say. Bold as brass, promising to "get rid of Fat Cats". Not that I'm worried. The only way I'm having myself put down is when I'm interviewed by Jeremy Paxman on next week's special, feature-length, letting-the-cat-out-of-the-bag edition of Newsnight. Ah - sweet revenge. As you know, it's all a matter of PR. I'm already negotiating to get my life story published in time for Christmas. So - must dash ... the paparazzi are waiting. Do write back (I could really use the number of a good spin vet. Any idea who handled Lassie?). Trust me - this country hasn't heard the last of Old Humph. As Arnie said: I'll be back ...

Miao for now,


Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
ebookA delicious collection of 50 meaty main courses
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Recruitment Genius: Weekend Factory Operatives

    £9 per hour: Recruitment Genius: This high quality thread manufacturer is curr...

    Recruitment Genius: FP&A Analyst

    £40000 - £55000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A market leading acquirer and m...

    Recruitment Genius: Electricians

    £35000 - £45000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Fully qualified electricians re...

    Recruitment Genius: Customer Service and Business Support Assistant

    Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: By developing intimate relationships with inte...

    Day In a Page

    Sepp Blatter resignation: The beginning of Fifa's long road to reform?

    Does Blatter's departure mean Fifa will automatically clean up its act?

    Don't bet on it, says Tom Peck
    Charles Kennedy: The baby of the House who grew into a Lib Dem giant

    The baby of the House who grew into a Lib Dem giant

    Charles Kennedy was consistently a man of the centre-left, dedicated to social justice, but was also a champion of liberty and an opponent of the nanny-state, says Baroness Williams
    Syria civil war: The harrowing testament of a five-year-old victim of this endless conflict

    The harrowing testament of a five-year-old victim of Syria's endless civil war

    Sahar Qanbar lost her mother and brother as civilians and government soldiers fought side by side after being surrounded by brutal Islamist fighters. Robert Fisk visited her
    The future of songwriting: How streaming is changing everything we know about making music

    The future of songwriting

    How streaming is changing everything we know about making music
    William Shemin and Henry Johnson: Jewish and black soldiers receive World War I Medal of Honor amid claims of discrimination

    Recognition at long last

    Jewish and black soldiers who fought in WWI finally receive medals after claims of discrimination
    Beating obesity: The new pacemaker which helps over-eaters

    Beating obesity

    The new pacemaker which helps over-eaters
    9 best women's festival waterproofs

    Ready for rain: 9 best women's festival waterproofs

    These are the macs to keep your denim dry and your hair frizz-free(ish)
    Cycling World Hour Record: Nervous Sir Bradley Wiggins ready for pain as he prepares to go distance

    Wiggins worried

    Nervous Sir Bradley ready for pain as he prepares to attempt cycling's World Hour Record
    Liverpool close in on Milner signing

    Liverpool close in on Milner signing

    Reds baulk at Christian Benteke £32.5m release clause
    On your feet! Spending at least two hours a day standing reduces the risk of heart attacks, cancer and diabetes, according to new research

    On your feet!

    Spending half the day standing 'reduces risk of heart attacks and cancer'
    With scores of surgeries closing, what hope is there for the David Cameron's promise of 5,000 more GPs and a 24/7 NHS?

    The big NHS question

    Why are there so few new GPs when so many want to study medicine?
    Big knickers are back: Thongs ain't what they used to be

    Thongs ain't what they used to be

    Big knickers are back
    Thurston Moore interview

    Thurston Moore interview

    On living in London, Sonic Youth and musical memoirs
    In full bloom

    In full bloom

    Floral print womenswear
    From leading man to Elephant Man, Bradley Cooper is terrific

    From leading man to Elephant Man

    Bradley Cooper is terrific