Goop is selling psychic vampire repellent to ‘banish bad vibes’

It's what we've all been waiting for

(Rex Features)

You thought condom dispensers and spirit truffles were rogue?

Hold on to your vaginal steamer.

The latest innovation to drop on Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle website claims to “safeguard [your] aura” and “banish bad vibes” whilst shielding you from “the people who might be causing them”.

Is it a moon stone? Is it a dream catcher? Is it a guardian unicorn?

(Goop (Goop)

Nope, it’s a psychic vampire repellent, duh.

Customers are advised to gently shake the bottle before use and then “spray around the aura” (Gwyneth for body) “to protect from psychic attack and emotional harm.”

In terms of the kind of “psychic attack” that would compel one to use the vampire repellent...

When is Donald Trump coming to the UK again?

Though it's not made by Goop (the company behind it also sell motivation mist and positive body image elixir), their promotion of it has left readers marvelling at Ms Paltrow’s ability to turn opium fantasies – probably incurred under the influence of a gluten free cocktail - into commercially viable products.

Naturally, avid Gwyneth critic and conscious un-Gooper Dr Jen Gunter is having a field day over the “gem-infused” bottle, which claims to include reiki charged crystals.

“The psychic vampire repellent may not be FDA evaluated,” she writes in a blog post, “but who cares when it has sonically tuned water, moonlight, love, reiki, and gem elixirs which is totally not left over water from a rock polisher.”

Gunter is right to have doubts, I mean, where exactly does one source gem elixirs and sonically tuned water?

Clearly, it’s not from the local corner shop, so perhaps for just $30 (£22) a bottle, the vampire repellent is a bargain in Goop-ified disguise.