'Anorexia has many causes – and you're probably not one'

Parents often blame themselves when eating disorders strike. But these diseases are more complex than most people realise – and it is families that hold the key to a cure, believes counsellor and mother of a sufferer Lynn Crilly

When one of Lynn Crilly's twin daughters was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, the threat to her child was plain to see. But what Crilly didn't expect during that dark period in 2004 was a condition that would almost tear apart her family and a health system that would struggle to cope with a complex illness, leaving her to seek solutions by herself. Seven years on, after her daughter's recovery, Crilly has become a champion of the forgotten victims of eating disorders, which are estimated to afflict 1.6 million people in Britain. She has become a leading counsellor and has just published her first book, Hope with Eating Disorders, a self-help guide for the parents, carers and friends of sufferers.

"I never imagined I would be in this position but after three years of chasing the system, I decided to treat my daughter myself," Crilly says from her home in Surrey, where she lives with her husband, Kevin, and their daughters, Samantha and Charlotte, 20. "I never dreamed of the lengths I would have to go to get my daughter better – caring for someone with an eating disorder is constant, relentless, challenging and will push all concerned to their limits."

Crilly, 47, says she sympathises with the challenges eating disorders also pose to GPs and the system behind them. Too often, though, she says parents are left feeling isolated and useless – or even to blame. An estimated 10 per cent of sufferers are anorexic and 40 per cent are bulimic, while the remainder suffers from unspecified disorders. The variety of conditions and infinite range in the needs and natures of sufferers means treatment must be co-operative. "No two sufferers are the same and there is no right or wrong way to treat this illness," she says. "But the people around them are the most powerful tool in the recovery process."

Crilly encourages parents to read books by authorities in the field of eating-disorder research and to consult charities and organisations. She has recruited Janet Treasure, a professor of psychiatry and consultant psychiatrist who has specialised in the treatment of eating disorders for more than 30 years, to write a foreword to her book. Treasure emphasises the importance of "curiosity and an open mind and the refusal to accept stigma and secrecy".

Carers should not be afraid to explore other treatments if they are unsure about the course they are on, Crilly says. "Nobody knows your child better than you." Ultimately, she wants to give hope to people in circumstances that can feel hopeless. "Even when the sufferer's a long way into recovery, carers can be left feeling like they need counselling," she says. "But with time, energy, love and patience, an eating disorder should not be a life sentence for anybody."

Here is her advice for families:

 

Get reading

Do as much research as you can to try to get a real understanding of the mindset of someone with a disorder and take from that what you think is relevant to you and your situation. Many GPs are fantastic but they have a few minutes to see you and are not specialised. As with all medical conditions, it's important to be careful when doing your own research, particularly online, but there are plenty of charities, organisations and good books. There are links on my website.

 

Keep talking

Do everything possible to keep channels of communication open between sufferers and their carers and everyone around you, including siblings, who can sometimes feel just as isolated. People need to feel at ease talking about how they're feeling, without being judged. Parents or carers must listen to what the sufferer is saying, however illogical it might sound. Don't be shocked by what you hear. Be prepared for the sufferer to act out of character and say things they don't mean. Encourage them to talk about life away from the disorder, otherwise it will consume everything.

 

Don't blame yourself

As a parent or carer it's a natural reaction to blame yourself, but don't waste the time and energy, because it's very rarely anybody's fault. Eating disorders usually arise very innocently, often starting with one or two comments that tap into existing insecurities. Treasure's research has revealed that initial causes of eating disorders can include the sufferer's genetic make-up. In the case of anorexia, stress or trauma as early as during birth can play a role. She also identifies personality types often found in sufferers, including an obsession with detail or a strong competitive sense. There are so many causes of eating disorders – you're probably not one of them.

 

Focus on the mind, not just the food

Eating disorder are illnesses of the mind, not the body. They cannot be cured by treating the physical symptoms alone, or by focusing only on food. It can be tempting to weigh every mouthful and count every calorie, but as long as you've agreed a relatively stable food regime and you know the sufferer is safe (and knows he or she won't gain too much weight in the case of anorexia) then the priority is to get to work on the mind. Once the sufferer is stable, with time, love and positive thinking, the the mind can heal, allowing the body to follow.

 

Remember the other stuff

Eating disorders can take over everyone's life, but it's important to remember that there is life outside. Interacting with other people and living as normally as possible is paramount. To enable this, the sufferer and carers will need the support of the school and, if you're in work, your employer. Friends are important, too. Do normal things: go to the cinema, play games, sit around watching TV.

 

Look after yourself

An eating disorder can totally engulf an entire family and tear it apart. Talk to other carers, or find support groups or online forums – anything to feel less isolated. Find time to go out with friends. Taking yourself away from the situation helps you return to it with a clearer, more positive head. Be sure siblings have their time, too. For a relationship to survive, it's important to be united in your approach to treatment as well as life at home.

'Hope With Eating Disorders' by Lynn Crilly (Hay House, £12.99). To order this book for the special price of £11.69, with free P&P, go to inde pendent booksdirect.co.uk.

Lynncrilly.co.uk

Arts & Entertainment
The Honesty Policy is a group of anonymous Muslims who believe that the community needs a space to express itself without shame or judgement
music
News
Waitrose will be bringing in more manned tills
newsOverheard in Waitrose: documenting the chatter in 'Britain's poshest supermarket'
Life & Style
life
Arts & Entertainment
Back in the suit: There are only so many variations you can spin on the lives or adventures of Peter Parker
filmReview: Almost every sequence and set-up in The Amazing Spider-Man 2 seems familiar from some earlier superhero film
VIDEO
Arts & Entertainment
Jack Gleeson as Joffrey Baratheon in Game of Thrones
tv
Life & Style
Father and son: Michael Williams with son Edmund
lifeAs his son’s bar mitzvah approaches, CofE-raised Michael Williams describes the unexpected joys he’s experienced in learning about his family’s other faith
Arts & Entertainment
Ian Anderson, the leader of British rock band Jethro Tull, (right) and British guitar player Martin Barre (left) perform on stage
musicJethro Tull frontman leads ‘prog rock’ revival
Sport
Gareth Bale dribbled from inside his own half and finished calmly late in the final to hand Real a 2-1 win at the Mestalla in Valencia
sport
Arts & Entertainment
Who laughs lass: Jenny Collier on stage
comedy... writes Jenny Collier, the comedian whose recent show was cancelled because there were 'too many women' on the bill
News
House proud: keeping up with the Joneses now extends to children's playhouses
newsLuxury playhouses now on the market for as much as £800
News
news
Life & Style
Stir it up: the writer gets a lichen masterclass from executive chef Vivek Singh of the Cinnamon restaurants
food + drinkLichen is the surprise new ingredient on fine-dining menus, thanks to our love of Scandinavian and Indian cuisines
Extras
indybest
Arts & Entertainment
Ken Loach (left) and Mike Leigh who will be going head to head for one of cinema's most coveted prizes at this year's Cannes Film Festival
filmKen Loach and Mike Leigh to fight it out for the Palme d'Or
News
The academic, Annamaria Testa, has set out on her website a list of 300 English words that she says Italians ought to stop using
newsAcademic speaks out against 'Italianglo' - the use of English words in Italian language
Independent
Travel Shop
the manor
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on city breaks Find out more
santorini
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on chic beach resorts Find out more
sardina foodie
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on country retreats Find out more
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition iPad app?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Apprentice IT Technician

    £150.00 per week: QA Apprenticeships: This company is a company that specializ...

    1st Line Technical Service Desk Analyst IT Apprentice

    £153.75 per week: QA Apprenticeships: This company is an innovative outsourcin...

    1st Line Helpdesk Engineer Apprentice

    £150.00 per week: QA Apprenticeships: This company has been providing on site ...

    Sales Associate Apprentice

    £150.00 per week: QA Apprenticeships: We've been supplying best of breed peopl...

    Day In a Page

    How I brokered a peace deal with Robert Mugabe: Roy Agyemang reveals the delicate diplomacy needed to get Zimbabwe’s President to sit down with the BBC

    How I brokered a peace deal with Robert Mugabe

    Roy Agyemang reveals the delicate diplomacy needed to get Zimbabwe’s President to sit down with the BBC
    Video of British Muslims dancing to Pharrell Williams's hit Happy attacked as 'sinful'

    British Muslims's Happy video attacked as 'sinful'

    The four-minute clip by Honesty Policy has had more than 300,000 hits on YouTube
    Church of England-raised Michael Williams describes the unexpected joys in learning about his family's Jewish faith

    Michael Williams: Do as I do, not as I pray

    Church of England-raised Williams describes the unexpected joys in learning about his family's Jewish faith
    A History of the First World War in 100 moments: A visit to the Front Line by the Prime Minister's wife

    A History of the First World War in 100 moments

    A visit to the Front Line by the Prime Minister's wife
    Comedian Jenny Collier: 'Sexism I experienced on stand-up circuit should be extinct'

    Jenny Collier: 'Sexism on stand-up circuit should be extinct'

    The comedian's appearance at a show on the eve of International Women's Day was cancelled because they had "too many women" on the bill
    Cannes Film Festival: Ken Loach and Mike Leigh to fight it out for the Palme d'Or

    Cannes Film Festival

    Ken Loach and Mike Leigh to fight it out for the Palme d'Or
    The concept album makes surprise top ten return with neolithic opus from Jethro Tull's Ian Anderson

    The concept album makes surprise top ten return

    Neolithic opus from Jethro Tull's Ian Anderson is unexpected success
    Lichen is the surprise new ingredient on fine-dining menus, thanks to our love of Scandinavian and Indian cuisines

    Lichen is surprise new ingredient on fine-dining menus

    Emily Jupp discovers how it can give a unique, smoky flavour to our cooking
    10 best baking books

    10 best baking books

    Planning a spot of baking this bank holiday weekend? From old favourites to new releases, here’s ten cookbooks for you
    Jury still out on Manchester City boss Manuel Pellegrini

    Jury still out on Pellegrini

    Draw with Sunderland raises questions over Manchester City manager's ability to motivate and unify his players
    Ben Stokes: 'Punching lockers isn't way forward'

    Ben Stokes: 'Punching lockers isn't way forward'

    The all-rounder has been hailed as future star after Ashes debut but incident in Caribbean added to doubts about discipline. Jon Culley meets a man looking to control his emotions
    Mark Johnston: First £1 million jackpot spurs him on

    Mark Johnston: First £1 million jackpot spurs him on

    The most prize money ever at an All-Weather race day is up for grabs at Lingfield on Friday, and the record-breaking trainer tells Jon Freeman how times have changed
    Ricky Gervais: 'People are waiting for me to fail. If you think it's awful, then just don't watch it'

    Ricky Gervais: 'People are waiting for me to fail'

    As the second series of his divisive sitcom 'Derek' hits screens, the comedian tells James Rampton why he'll never bow to the critics who habitually circle his work
    Mad Men series 7, TV review: The suits are still sharp, but Don Draper has lost his edge

    Mad Men returns for a final fling

    The suits are still sharp, but Don Draper has lost his edge
    Google finds a lift into space will never get off the ground as there is no material strong enough for a cable from Earth into orbit

    Google finds a lift into space will never get off the ground

    Technology giant’s scientists say there is no material strong enough for a cable from Earth into orbit