Dear Virginia, I feel so down about everything. My friends moan about how children today can't read, how the world is going to end if we don't do something, we're too dependent on the internet, Iran has a nuclear weapon, the population is exploding... And I can see the problems for myself – I recently discovered my niece doesn't know who Shakespeare is! And now there are going to be all these strikes. Sometimes I can't sleep for worrying. The only thing that that helps ease my anxiety is alcohol, and now they tell me that's bad for me. Sometimes I wish I hadn't been born into this world.
Yours sincerely, Gemma
Oh God, don't I know the feeling. Sometimes I feel like just stopping all the papers and throwing away the radio and television. And actually, that's one thing that I think would help, you know. Take six months off from the world's media. If you want to listen to something, get a CD. If you want to watch something, pop in a DVD. That would be a constructive start. The truth is that good news isn't news. So for every million heartwarming stories about clever people, acts of charity, excellent laws being passed, rare species being preserved and so on, all you will hear about is one serial killer who eats his victims for breakfast.
Next, you could look at all the specific issues that depress you and find the alternative view... and that's one of the many ways the internet can be useful. Global warming? Some people say it isn't going to happen and some say even if it does, it will bring huge benefits. Population? There are plenty of good arguments that say the world can take loads more people, and equally there are arguments that say that it won't, anyway, rise beyond a certain point. As for your niece not knowing about Shakespeare – well, frankly, we all got on perfectly well without Shakespeare before the 16th century, so he's not a compulsory ingredient of a happy, civilised and fulfilling life.
I suggest three things, along with the idea that you give the media a miss for a while (and remember to tell your friends you won't hear any moaning for a period, either). Try to remember we live in a time of unprecedented good fortune. We have a national health service, free education, we've never had to fight in a major war (if we're under 70, that is) we've never starved. Generally, the standard of education is streets ahead of the standard a hundred years ago. The streets are far safer... well, I could go on for ever.
Secondly, you're entitled to drink as much as you want as far as I'm concerned, but don't forget that although it appears to be an upper, in fact, long-term, it's a downer. The very stuff you self-medicate yourself with to perk you up in the short term may actually be bringing you down in the long term. Ghastly as the idea may be, it really would be worth stopping for a few months and seeing if the world looks any brighter. Cutting down doesn't really make a difference, I'm afraid.
And finally, it does sound as if you're suffering from depression. It would be worth seeing the doctor on top of everything. I'm not saying pills will have a magic effect, but they might, so it's mad not to give them a try, at least.
Go see the real world
Gemma, reading your dilemma makes me wonder what you know about the real world. Sinking into depression and alcoholism won't get you anywhere. Here is my advice: tear yourself away from all these negative influences and see for yourself whether the world is really that bad. Take a year out and involve yourself in volunteering work or any similar good-doing project, preferably in an under-developed country, and you'll soon see the world is worth saving, gleaning some fantastic human experiences along the way, which will make you see that life is worth living, the human race is still full of very special people and the world a great place to have been born into.
Véronique
By email
Be glad you live now
Get a different set of friends. If you read some history you'll find that we are further from the dogs than ever. Not many of us have to suffer nowadays the agony of burying our children and few people follow occupations where the life expectancy is in the low thirties. More of us live longer and more of us have more to eat than our ancestors. This would be true for even more people in the world if greed and stupidity didn't cause avoidable wars that prevent it.
I was born in 1937; far fewer people die violent deaths now than did when I was small, and we no longer fear total nuclear annihilation as we did when I was in my teens and early twenties. So what if your niece doesn't know about Shakespeare; take her to the theatre to see one of the plays and maybe she'll develop a lifelong passion for it.
All the fears come from inside you; the external things you list are just manifestations, excuses to find something to worry about. Try to find out why are addicted to worrying, and then try to kick the habit.
Stephen Breuer
By email
It's not all bad news
It's tempting to think we're doomed, but objectively are things any worse than they've ever been? Would you rather live now or, for example, during the Black Death, or during the Holocaust? It really must have seemed as though the world was ending during those catastrophes. There is remarkable continuity in the human condition and one of the things that seems fairly constant is the belief that everything's getting worse. It's easy to find evidence of our deterioration and it makes for lively conversation, but there are good things happening, too. For example, it's a pity that your niece doesn't know who Shakespeare was (and I confess to wincing as I read that) but she probably knows some other rather wonderful facts.
Remember there have always been signs of decline around us, and there always will be. But the world isn't all bad: it's a ragged mixture of wonderful, terrible, and everything in between. The best inoculation against such thoughts and feelings is probably to be deeply engaged in one's own life, to have something (a job, a hobby) that is absorbing to the exclusion of unhappy rumination. And if you're significantly anxious or depressed, I hope you can seek therapy to help you.
Name and address supplied
Next week's dilemma
Dear Virginia,
I brought up my granddaughter from the age of 17 months. Her parents were rarely in touch and I'm the only constant in her life. She started to gain weight after my mother (who loved her dearly) died. She was bullied at school because of it and continued to gain weight at university. She's now aged 24, unemployed, and size 22 and getting bigger. She's intelligent and has integrity and a sense of humour. She used to ride and ski, and was a strong swimmer. She's a lovely girl whose potential is not being realised. But weight is a taboo subject with her. She needs help but I don't know where to start.
Yours sincerely, Maggie
What would you advise Maggie to do?Email your dilemmas and comments to dilemmas @independent.co.uk, or go to www.independent.co.uk/dilemmas. Anyone whose advice is quoted will receive a £25 voucher from the wine website Naked Wines (
www.nakedwines.com)
Comments