Dear Virginia, I have osteoarthritis in several joints. I walk with a stick and progress is slow. I can cope – but it's other people's attitudes that are hard to bear. I've just come back from a weekend away, which included a theatre trip for eight of us. I nearly lost my temper because the others fussed around me so much, asking, "Are you all right?". My nearest and dearest don't do this, it's not-so-close friends and strangers. It's clear that people find me a problem, and feel responsible for me. I resent their offloading their anxiety on to me. How can I get them to stop pestering me without being rude?
Yours sincerely, Kate
I'm afraid people like you make me really irritated – and I know several people like you. You're never satisfied. Were your friends to push past you and your sticks and make for the best seats in the theatre, or shove you into the middle of a row where you'd be extremely uncomfortable, you'd be furious. "Why don't they consider my disability?" you'd say. But if they're polite and courteous and try to help and see that you're comfortable, you're the same old grouch. "Why can't they stop pestering me?" you complain.
You say that it's clear that able-bodied people feel responsible for you, and what on earth is wrong with that? Isn't their reaction, rather than being over-fussy and "offloading their anxiety" on to you, actually admirable, concerned, unselfish and generally to be encouraged?
I've seen the same attitude with elderly friends in a bus. We're standing and some charming person gets up and offers us a seat. While I take it graciously – it's always nicer to sit than to stand – my companion will often shake her head and behave generally outraged and insulted that anyone should think she's too old to stand, or, even, that her age demands respect and therefore the comfort of a seat.
I'm afraid you're one of those people who probably bemoans the manners of young people today and yet, by your very dismissive reactions to offers of help, you discourage good manners in others.
If you're going to spend the whole time snapping "I'm fine!" at people who want to help, then they're not going to offer to help other people, are they? Okay, maybe you don't happen to want help, but I can think of a lot of people who are disabled – and, indeed, even those who are fit as fleas – who are very grateful for a helping hand or an acknowledgement, at least, of any problems they might have.
Like those women who rage when a man opens a door for them, or scoff when anyone stands up when they enter the room, you interpret offers of help as someone's plan to diminish you and infantilise you. Why do you do this? Do you have a problem with self-respect? Why can't you just accept their offers with grace and say: "Well! How very kind of you to be so concerned! I do so appreciate it! I think I can manage for the moment, but I'm very grateful to you for asking" – rather than biting back irritated remarks.
Remember to think not just of yourself but of these would-be helpers. They want to feel needed. They want to feel they're making a difference. They want to set a good example to other people who may be watching. They want, when they have problems, for others to come to their aid.
For God's sake, don't try to stifle their generous instincts by letting your own pride stand in the way.
They mean well
I know exactly how Kate feels. I hate being offered a seat on the bus or Tube – do I really look too decrepit to stand up for a few minutes? And if anyone asks if I'm all right, I have to restrain the impulse to snap back, "Is there any reason why I shouldn't be?"
And yet. Last winter, during a particularly icy spell, a neighbour called round to ask whether I needed any shopping. "Oh dear," I thought, "she thinks I'm a vulnerable elderly person, when I'm only 63 and perfectly able to do my own shopping." But the point was that I might not have been, so I was genuinely grateful for her concern.
Kate knows she can cope, and so do her close friends, but others don't. So, although she probably won't like it, the only advice I can give her is to respond to the attitudes she encounters as cheerfully as she can. One day, she may even need to accept the help.
Brenda
By email
Appreciate the help
I wonder if Kate's nearest and dearest have stopped asking if she is all right because they know they will get their heads bitten off if they do? Could it be that people who ask if she's all right are not "offloading their anxiety on me by demanding reassurance" but actually mean what they say? I don't use a stick all the time, but I do have problems with shoulders, knees and feet, all of which are wearing out. I am amazed and very heartened in these days when there is so much pontification about broken society, whatever that means, that so many people of all ages whom I do not know offer me a seat on a bus or a train and say things like, "Don't you lift that, love, let me" or "Are you all right?" or "Can I help?".
Perhaps if Kate kept a tally of how many really nice people there are around instead of wanting to snarl at them, she might be a happier person herself. When somebody does ask if she's all right, she could always exercise her smile muscles and respond with something like "I'm fine thanks – I enjoy the challenge" or even "I'm fine thanks, but thanks for asking". Maybe one day she won't be able to manage without help and will find that nobody actually wants to offer for fear of getting their heads bitten off.
Mary Harris
By email
Be gracious
Stop complaining and be grateful for all the support and attention you receive. You don't know how many of these helpful people have similar problems at home, so know how to react. Accept their help graciously. I think it is you who is unloading not only anxiety, but resentment.
Evelyn Ross
By email
Next week's dilemma
Dear Virginia,
I have been going out with a woman 20 years younger than me for a year now – she's just turned 30 – and I want to marry her and start a family together. The problem is that until she met me, she was having an affair with someone even older than me and, although she has now broken up with him romantically, she still regards him as a sort of father figure, and he seems to have a great influence over her life. He is also quite a well-known figure. He assures her she will be miserable if she marries me, and that it is a very bad idea. He knows absolutely nothing about me, by the way. I am beside myself. She is the first woman I've ever really loved, and I know I can make her happy. What can I do?
Yours sincerely, Evan
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