Virginia Ironside's Dilemmas

 

I've been in a relationship with a wonderful woman for a year. I'm divorced and have a seven-year-old son who visits at weekends. My partner and I want to live together, and it would work financially too. The problem is that she has a severely autistic son of 15 who can be very unpredictable. He can never be left on his own. Now my son, who is quite frightened by my partner's son, has said that if I move in with her, he doesn't want to visit me. My partner says he has to live with difference, but I'm uncertain. What do you think? Yours sincerely, Martin

Virginia says... Your first duty is to your son, above all else. He is clearly frightened by your partner's son, and has been very brave in putting his position clearly to you. And whatever your partner says about "having to live with difference," it's difficult enough even for us adults to live with difference, sometimes.

I have been in a house in which there lived a severely autistic girl who wandered around shouting and waving a knife. Her parents assured me that she was harmless, but my heart raced every time she approached. How- ever good I am about "living with difference", my body had other ideas and I started shaking, went white-faced with anxiety, and found it extremely difficult not to recoil, terrified. And I'm an adult.

I have no doubt that if I'd lived in her home for a long time and worked out exactly what I could expect of the girl, and also understood how to handle her, or had got some kind of relationship with her, or if I'd nurtured her from birth, her behaviour wouldn't have been frightening. Almost certainly I would have become very fond of her. But I didn't have that history with her. And nor has your son.

If you want to move in with this woman during the week, forget financial considerations if you possibly can and keep your own place on, so you can see your son there in peace at weekends. Perhaps you could let your flat out to someone who would only need it five days a week.

You don't want your son to grow up having virtually no contact with his father or always associating visiting his father with fear and anxiety. If you wished, you could ask if he'd visit your partner and her son every month with you for a short period, perhaps, so that he could very gradually get used to the situation, but remember how vulnerable seven-year-olds are, and how daunting even a normal 15-year-old can seem to someone so small.

When he's older, your son will be able to cope with the "difference". He'll be physically stronger and he'll realise that being grown-up often involves hiding fear or overcoming it in order to put in place more kindly feelings.

But he's too young. You wouldn't let your son drive a car. You wouldn't let him down a bottle of whisky. Don't expect him, at this young age, to handle this situation, either. Or, even worse, to give him the impression that you prefer a comfortable love life to your role as his father.

Readers say...

Find another way

 

Please do not do this. Your son has clearly and quite bravely let you know how he feels. There was a similar age gap between me and my brother, who also has severe autism. I lived in constant fear of him and his unpredictable behaviour to the extent that I used to wish I could be taken into care to get away from him. f you pursue this course of action your son will not come and stay at weekends and I don't blame him. Find another way.

Jane By email

 

I was attacked

When I was about seven I was made to visit a lady who had an autistic girl a little older than me. I was attacked. She couldn't help it, but it was very traumatic.

A boy of 15 with autism can be very strong and difficult to control and quite terrifying for a young child of seven. While I agree that we should all learn to live with differences, I think it would be better for Martin's son to be spared the anxiety that he will surely experience on his weekends with his dad.

Monica By email

 

Next week's dilemma

Dear Virginia, I cannot believe I am writing with such a hackneyed problem but although I used to get on with my mother-in-law when I was first married, now I've had my first baby, I find her constant presence intrusive and irritating. Sometimes I could lose my temper completely. She's always around "trying to help" and sometimes I feel she's competing with me to be the mother of our baby. It's her first grandchild so I try to be understanding and I do love her, but I want to tell her to back off without upsetting her. How can I do it? Yours sincerely, Jo

What would you advise Jo to do?

Email your dilemmas and comments to dilemmas @independent. co.uk, or go to independent.co.uk/dilemmas. Anyone whose advice is quoted will receive a £25 voucher from the wine website Fine Wine Sellers (finewinesellers.co.uk)

PROMOTED VIDEO
Life and Style
ebookA wonderful selection of salads, starters and mains featuring venison, grouse and other game
News
people
Life and Style
President Obama, one of the more enthusiastic users of the fist bump
science
Arts and Entertainment
Peter Griffin holds forth in The Simpsons Family Guy crossover episode
tv
Life and Style
Upright, everything’s all right (to a point): remaining on one’s feet has its health benefits – though in moderation
HealthIf sitting is bad for your health, what happens when you stay on your feet for a whole month?
News
Kristen Stewart and Rupert Sanders were pictured embracing in 2012
people
Independent
Travel Shop
the manor
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on city breaks Find out more
santorini
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on chic beach resorts Find out more
sardina foodie
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on country retreats Find out more
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    HSE Manger - Solar

    £40000 - £45000 Per Annum: The Green Recruitment Company: Job Title: HSE Mana...

    Data Governance Manager (Solvency II) – Contract – Up to £450 daily rate, 6 month (may go Permanent)

    £350 - £450 Per Day: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: We are currently looking...

    Powertrain Design Engineer

    competitive: Progressive Recruitment: I hope you are well. My client based in ...

    Java Developer - Banking - London - Up to £560/day

    £500 - £560 per day: Orgtel: Java Developer FX - Banking - London - Up to £560...

    Day In a Page

    A new Russian revolution: Cracks start to appear in Putin’s Kremlin power bloc

    A new Russian revolution

    Cracks start to appear in Putin’s Kremlin power bloc
    Eugene de Kock: Apartheid’s sadistic killer that his country cannot forgive

    Apartheid’s sadistic killer that his country cannot forgive

    The debate rages in South Africa over whether Eugene de Kock should ever be released from jail
    Standing my ground: If sitting is bad for your health, what happens when you stay on your feet for a whole month?

    Standing my ground

    If sitting is bad for your health, what happens when you stay on your feet for a whole month?
    Commonwealth Games 2014: Dai Greene prays for chance to rebuild after injury agony

    Greene prays for chance to rebuild after injury agony

    Welsh hurdler was World, European and Commonwealth champion, but then the injuries crept in
    Israel-Gaza conflict: Secret report helps Israelis to hide facts

    Patrick Cockburn: Secret report helps Israel to hide facts

    The slickness of Israel's spokesmen is rooted in directions set down by pollster Frank Luntz
    The man who dared to go on holiday

    The man who dared to go on holiday

    New York's mayor has taken a vacation - in a nation that has still to enforce paid leave, it caused quite a stir, reports Rupert Cornwell
    Best comedians: How the professionals go about their funny business, from Sarah Millican to Marcus Brigstocke

    Best comedians: How the professionals go about their funny business

    For all those wanting to know how stand-ups keep standing, here are some of the best moments
    The Guest List 2014: Forget the Man Booker longlist, Literary Editor Katy Guest offers her alternative picks

    The Guest List 2014

    Forget the Man Booker longlist, Literary Editor Katy Guest offers her alternative picks
    Jokes on Hollywood: 'With comedy film audiences shrinking, it’s time to move on'

    Jokes on Hollywood

    With comedy film audiences shrinking, it’s time to move on
    It's the best of British art... but not all is on display

    It's the best of British art... but not all is on display

    Voted for by the British public, the artworks on Art Everywhere posters may be the only place where they can be seen
    Critic claims 'I was the inspiration for Blanche DuBois'

    Critic claims 'I was the inspiration for Blanche DuBois'

    Blanche Marvin reveals how Tennessee Williams used her name and an off-the-cuff remark to create an iconic character
    Sometimes it's hard to be a literary novelist

    Sometimes it's hard to be a literary novelist

    Websites offering your ebooks for nothing is only the latest disrespect the modern writer is subjected to, says DJ Taylor
    Edinburgh Fringe 2014: The comedy highlights, from Bridget Christie to Jack Dee

    Edinburgh Fringe 2014

    The comedy highlights, from Bridget Christie to Jack Dee
    Dame Jenny Abramsky: 'We have to rethink. If not, museums and parks will close'

    Dame Jenny Abramsky: 'We have to rethink. If not, museums and parks will close'

    The woman stepping down as chair of the Heritage Lottery Fund is worried