Ask Martha: What should children call their parents these days?

Q. We're expecting our first baby, and have been having heated debates about what children ought to call their parents these days. Can you fill us in? Kate and Richard

A. If you live somewhere draughty in the country – Mama and Papa. If you are enlightened, liberal and willing to pay for the little dears' psychotherapy later in life – Kate and Richard. If you are highly unimaginative – Mum and Dad. If you are middle class and doting – Mummy and Daddy (though you have to be OK with being followed around the supermarket by a little one wailing "Muwwy!"). If you're trad – Mother and Father. If you're wacky, Marve and Poo-Bar. Basically, there are as many choices as there are parents. Rough justice means that they'll probably pick their own names for you – but don't stand for Oi You or Taxi. The really difficult question is what you will be calling them. I hear "Martha" is popular at the moment, ditto "Arthur".

Q. Can blondes wear white? KK, Camden

A. They're usually encouraged to opt for cream or ivory as a more flattering alternative. But darling, if it's your big day, who am I to rain on your meringue?

Q. When I go out to dinner with my 25-year-old daughter I worry people will think we're a couple. How can I dispel this ghastly impression? Donald, Manchester

A. Donald, I know a simple rule that will help with this, and possibly other situations that you find troubling. It can be endlessly reapplied; its brutal beauty is in a sense reminiscent of E=MC2. It is this: People Are Always Busy Thinking About Themselves. Walk around a party with – oops! – a piece of loo roll attached to your shoe for half an hour. Chances are no one notices, or if they do, they won't clock it was you. If you go out to dinner with your daughter, the waiter will be thinking about whether his hair is neat, whether he's given you the menu upside down, whether his boyfriend is coming to visit – in short, he will think about one-hundred-and-one other things before he thinks, "Is that old fox on a date with that girl – or does the family resemblance and father-daughter age gap indicate otherwise?" In other words, chillax, sir. I'm not saying that you're an egotist, just that almost everyone else is. Still, one word of advice: a phrase to avoid hissing to your daughter is "Call me Dad!" Though perfectly logical, this does tend to arouse suspicion in these sad times we live in.

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