How to be happy: 'Help, I'm hung up about sex'

'I'm 42; a reasonably fulfilled fit male, who has never had any positive sexual experiences with someone else. I've had one relationship in which we couldn't have sex, which was my fault. For much of adult life I have shut down on this. When I think about how to be a sexual person I end up depressed: I feel like a freak. My parents were fundamentalist Christian missionaries, but I'm more of a Buddhist type.' David.

Step 1: It's OK to get help

Although many people choose celibacy and lead fulfilling lives, you now want to explore your sexuality meaningfully. Most of our inhibitions are anxiety-based and it is never too late to learn new life skills. Your GP should be able to refer you to an NHS psychologist or you can find your own therapist from the British Association for Sexual and Relationship Therapy ( www.basrt.org.uk). Relate also offers counselling ( www.relate.org.uk).

Step 2: Explore your body

The more we understand ourselves - what feels comfortable - the more relaxed we will be when sharing ourselves with someone else. Find a time, perhaps when bathing or lying in bed, when you focus your attention on physical sensations: warmth, touch and feelings. If any anxious thoughts come to mind, let them pass and return your awareness to your body and how it feels. When you touch your skin, become conscious of its sensitivity. Stroke yourself with varying intensity and become absorbed in the sensations that are aroused. There is no right or wrong way to touch. Do what feels good for you, as this will also feel good to someone else.

Step 3: No demands

Sex is one of the few activities in life where goal-setting is unhelpful. Let go of expectations that you need to perform. Be curious but don't over-analyse. Use all your senses to explore the feelings generated by physical and emotional contact. Remind yourself that what you feel is normal, whatever your upbringing might have imposed on you. When sharing your body with someone else, we are all responsible for our own wellbeing, so if something doesn't feel comfortable don't be afraid to say so, then let it go and move on. In exploring the bliss of sex, take your time, you have everything to gain by being tender and considerate with yourself and your partner.

Cecilia is Mind journalist of the year