Life Support: How to be good in bed

Be Prepared

This isn't just about contraception (although some forethought on that matter is essential). It's about an oft-overlooked sense: smell. Elaborate pre-date ablutions aren't necessary – but a quick wash is advised. A clean, natural "skin" smell or even fresh sweat is preferable to overpowering perfumes. Men: step away from the Lynx. You'll pong like a teenage boy who thinks a shower comes in a can. Women, meanwhile, should ignore what the glossies say on this matter. While "layering" your scents might sound good in theory, no man wants to snuggle up to someone who smells like the fragrance counter at Debenhams.

Set the scene

Consider your lighting. On the whole, fabulous sex and blazing 100-watt bulbs don't mix. Equally, plunging the room into total darkness may offend. Be discreet when reaching for the dimmer switch. Background music is also useful, but song selection is key. Avoid anything overtly slushy like the plague (they might think it's your well-used "doing it" playlist); if in doubt, keep to mainstream pop played at a very low volume. Distracting lyrics are a passion killer.

Only go to bed with people you actually fancy

This may sound obvious, but anecdotal evidence indicates it's easier said than done. Feigning lust isn't fun, and will rarely fool your partner. Desire alone isn't enough to make you great in bed, but it is a very good start.

Hold on to your sense of humour

In bed, as in most areas of life, it is important not to take yourself too seriously. Sex in Hollywood films might be scripted, soft-focus and inevitably leading to simultaneous orgasms, but in real life it frequently strays into the realms of the comic. Act like you're in on the joke; no one likes a po-faced partner. Similarly, don't leave your personality at the bedroom door. Your partner hasn't gone to bed with a copy of Nuts magazine or a battery-operated device – they've chosen you. Remind them why.

Enjoy it

Enthusiasm is infectious and keenness could be your best shot at convincing your partner that you are, in fact, the best lover they've ever had. While whooping and cheering is over the top, at least try to look like you're enjoying it: eye contact and low-level verbalising are a good place to start. If they do something that feels good, let them know; if they drop down on to all fours and start miaowing like a cat, well, we refer you back to the part about having a sense of humour...