Virginia Ironside's Dilemmas: How can I recapture the passion, joy and enthusiasm I had as a child?

Dear Virginia, I’m 40, working all hours in a boring job and have only had relationships with dreadful men. My only interest is in doing a PhD in my spare time. I had a good upbringing, but don’t see my siblings because I don’t get on with them. I’ve very few friends, and I’m very unhappy, I have seencounsellors but they’re either Polyanna-ish or hostile. How can Irecapture the passion, joy and enthusiasm I had as a child? Yours sincerely, Karen

First of all, you are not alone. There are millions of people out there who appear to be perfectly capable and organised, but who feel just as lonely and wretched inside as you do. I know at least two people who are in similar positions, who spend their entire days and evenings doing research and writing and yet are unspeakably unhappy.

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Try, first, to see what is good in your life. (I'm sorry if this is rather a "count your blessings" demand, but it's necessary.) You are exceptionally clever, and lucky to have the concentration and intelligence that enable you to put your research skills to use. You are also fortunate in that your misery doesn't seem to interfere with this; there are many bright people who simply can't operate because their minds are so shot through with depression or riven with insecurity. They can only do menial jobs even though they have the intelligence to do far more interesting work.

And if you're tempted to write your qualities off as a diversion from what's really important in life – relationships – then see it as an excellent coping mechanism you've developed.

Next, please disabuse yourself of the loopy idea that there exist in the world "other people" who are fulfilled, happy, bursting with close relationships and, as you describe yourself as a child, "passionate, joyous and enthusiastic". In my experience, scratch the surface of someone who appears like this and you'll often find a suffering, insecure, wretched soul underneath. All we can hope for, if we spend endless hours searching and seeking, is either a slight improvement in our lives, or a coming to terms with the fact that we will never feel completely realised. However hard we try, most of us will never be transformed into warm, open-hearted rumbustious people who love life. Man is, as Job said, born to sorrow as the sparks fly upward.

But that doesn't mean to say, Karen, that life for you couldn't be a tad better. If one goes along with the model that childhood experiences do help shape our adult lives (and I do, because I can't find a better model), it would seem as if you may have had some bad experiences when very young that resulted in your putting up barriers and thinking very badly of yourself. You know as well as I do that all this stuff about relationships with ghastly men and not speaking to your siblings does smack of self-loathing. None of which is, I'm certain, justified at all. But perhaps self-blame was an early coping mechanism that has outrun its usefulness.

All I can suggest is that, rather than look for a bloke to fix you, you try to fix yourself. Antidepressants might work – always worth a try, as it only takes about month to see the effect of them – or trawl for another counsellor. But, this time, shop around. Visit three or four before settling for one – or, indeed, 10 or 20. Interview both men and women, as if you were interviewing them for a job. Make sure they are a) extremely bright (because you are, and because so many of them are total dimwits); b) extremely intuitive; and, most important, c) extremely kind.

Readers say...

Find the right man

I suggest you get out there and meet more men. If you find the person who is right for you, you won't feel this lonely. Don't waste your money on counsellors if you find they don't work. You should try to make up with your siblings. Family is family, after all; make it one of your new year's resolutions to try to get on with them. Even if you feel you don't have very many friends, it doesn't matter as long as you have some really good ones. That's all that counts.

Naomi, Edgbaston, Birmingham

Change your attitudes

Please, Karen, have some regard for your future and change your approach now. You are heading for a lonely, miserable middle age, and an isolated old age. And isolation in old age is not just unhappy and boring, but scary and life-threatening.

What were the "dreadful men" really like? Maybe the relationships were dreadful – but what was your contribution to this? Is the job boring because you have not been promoted or found other opportunities, or because you don't get on with your colleagues and are difficult to work with? These siblings you don't speak to – can you put it right? And why do you find it difficult to make friends and/or lose the friends or potential friends you have? As for the counsellors, perhaps the Pollyannas among them urged you to look at the positives in your life – you are intelligent, educated, you had, by your own admission, a "good" upbringing – and to build on those positives. And perhaps the "hostile" counsellors offered some criticism and urged you to change – in your own interests.

When you were a child you were loved unconditionally. This will not happen again. And you cannot go back. Do you want to be a reasonably happy adult or a wretched one? Of course you would say the former – that is why you made this cry for help. The answer lies in changing your own attitudes. Start by ringing somebody up. Ask them how they are – don't talk about yourself – and be interested in the answer.

Lorraine Harding, Steeton, near Keighley, West Yorkshire

You're just bored

Poor Karen. Life hasn't been kind to you, has it? Lousy lovers, sucking siblings, crappy counsellors... No wonder you lost the enthusiasm and passion you had as a child. (I'm trying to suppress sarcasm here.) Looking at that list of negatives, I think it cannot only be them at fault. You sound like you're stamping your foot at life's unfairness. Why not make yourself useful and start doing some voluntary work? VSO is always advertising for staff. Get yourself a TEFL (teaching English as a foreign language) certificate and "waste" a year doing something for others, abroad, in another culture, so you can see that all your problems stem from boredom.

Maria de Haas, Rowfoot, Haltwhistle

Time to fight back

You need to fight back and save yourself, quick. Unhappiness can become a quagmire of depression that can sour life for years and drain you of the energy to finish the PhD.

Why not sit down and sketch out long-term plans for better employment using the PhD? There's always teaching in higher education. And what about new activities – try joining a health club to swim lengths, or taking short city-breaks to interesting countries. And remember that sadness can suddenly lift like mist.

And as regards to men; send me a photograph and I may share the Belgian chocolates.

Antony Young, Beadnell

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