Virginia Ironside's Dilemmas: My husband is a do-gooder

Dear Virginia,

I am married to a do-gooder. He retired at 50 and is always out visiting lonely old people, or putting himself forward for local committees. The final straw was when he told me that he's going to become a councillor. I'm not a clingy wife, but it bothers me that we haven't spoken one-to-one for a fortnight. I feel we may as well not be married. I want to ask him to give something up – would that be selfish?

Yours sincerely, Pippa

I'm sure if your husband were spending all his time shagging young girls, riding his motorcycle, gambling or even spending every minute of every hour of every day painstakingly creating the QE2 out of matchsticks, you'd have no hesitation in putting your foot down. But when he's out doing good? Then it's really hard.

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It would be hard for you simply to demand that he spend one day a week with you. If he agreed you'd know that he was only doing this out of pity or a sense of duty, not because he actually wanted to. And there would be no pleasure in that.

You could conceivably use his do-gooding to your advantage by reminding him that charity begins at home. It's no good his going out being Mother Teresa all day long if he's leaving a child abandoned and starving at home. Which is, if not what you actually are, just how you feel. But you don't want to beg, I'm sure, nor reveal quite how desperately hurt and lonely you feel when he's never there.

I would try to explain to him that marriage is actually a partnership, and that you feel like a single woman in this marriage. He is doing exactly what he wants all day and using you like some ground-down old mum who's at home to wash his socks and make his supper. It's an entirely one-way relationship. Don't cry or beg him to stay with you. Simply say that if he goes on like this, you'll find there's nothing in it for you, and that the marriage will die on its feet. You had a contract, to share things, when you started out being married, and now he has broken the contract. Don't be frightened of mentioning the word "divorce". Who knows, this lack of involvement with you may well actually be a way of telling you that he wants to split up. It's just that he can't face spelling it out. So he may greet your news with relief – or he may come to his senses and realise exactly what he's jeopardising by continuing his non-stop good works.

Now it may be, as I suspect, that for some reason – perhaps partly because he's getting older and has lost the status he had when he was working – that his hard work is a survival technique. But it has now turned into an addiction. A lot of do-gooders help others partly in order to relieve intense guilt, shame and unhappiness. This compulsive philanthropy may be crucial to your husband's mental health and it might not be easy for him to break the habit.

Discuss all of this without judgement or moaning. During the conversation you may well hit on a weak and sensitive spot which will help to remind him, one hopes, of his fundamental commitment to you, and make him start to re-examine the relationship which appears to have changed dramatically from the one you had originally.

Readers say...

Hidden problem

Do-gooding is a very tricky thing to oppose, so well done, Pippa, for realising that something really is wrong here. Not that your husband doesn't have the right to spend his leisure helping other people – but if he's doing that to the exclusion of you and the marriage, it does sound like an attempted solution to guilt, or a distraction from some kind of intractable unhappiness. What you both need to do is talk. That might actually ease the situation, or it might lead to counselling for one or both of you, with results no one can foresee yet. But the first priority is to identify the problem. Good luck!

Alison Mace

Blakeney

Make some time

Your hardly having any time together might suggest an underlying problem. Possibly he has spent many years working and not seeing you, and now is unsure of how to communicate and spend "quality" time with you? You need to talk with him – take the softly-softly approach and do not become accusatory; applaud that he has found new interests outside the world of work (rather than sitting at home doing nothing), but make it clear that you need time for the both of you together as well!

Robert

London

Get your own interests

This sounds so familiar! I'm proud of what my husband is doing for the local community and amazed at how it has matured him. If you ask your husband to give it all up, you may have an unhappy, discontented partner. Consider it his hobby, though from experience, Ithink he'll have to give up some of the other activities if he wants to be an effective councillor. For yourself, look for interests that take you out when he is out, then you'll have the precious free time to spend and enjoy together.

Janet Berridge

Canterbury

Romantic break

You do not say if you are also retired, but if you are, thank your lucky stars you have a husband who is active, rather than vegging in front of the sports channel with a stack of sandwiches and an expanding waistline, or following you around, meddling in your routines and decisions. Some men feel defined by the job they do, so throwing himself into his new role has given him purpose.

Suggest outings or a romantic meal, or even joining him sometimes in his work. Then start looking for your own interests, for, if he does not listen to you and consider your needs, and the gulf continues to widen, you will find relationship decisions easier to make because you are independent, rather than sat at home resentfully waiting for him to spare you a minute of his time. You may not be able to change him, but you can change how you deal with the situation.

Christina Burton

St Leonards-on-Sea

Commend him

Stop thinking of yourself! How rare it is to find someone who is thoughtful to others and is willing to give up their spare time for free to help those less fortunate. You should commend him. He's a thoughtful caring man.

Ian laird,

Wirral

Put your foot down

Tell him that you feel you are being neglected and can't take it any more. Tell him you want to do things together and spend some much needed quality time with him.

Angie Marriott

Wallasey, Merseyside

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